He’s the Judge, the Jury, and the Executioner of my patience—Sylvester Stallone puts on a gold codpiece to prove that in the future, the only thing louder than the explosions is his own ego.
Lock your doors and hide your IQ points, because what the world really needs right now is Sylvester Stallone screaming in a gold-plated codpiece. Judge Dredd brings with it enough explosions to distract you from the fact that the script was likely written on the back of a cocktail napkin. It’s a futuristic romp through “Mega-City One,” a place that looks like a dumpster fire had a baby with a neon sign factory.
If you enjoy watching a man who sounds like he’s perpetually chewing on a hot coal deliver justice with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, this is your Citizen Kane. For the rest of us who prefer our movies to have things like “logic” or “acting,” it’s going to be a long ninety-six minutes. Expect a lot of shiny spandex, a robot that looks like it was stolen from a 1950s sci-fi convention, and Rob Schneider doing… whatever it is Rob Schneider does to ruin a perfectly good afternoon.
Review by Ben Dover
Back in my day, we had heroes like John Wayne who could squint at a guy and make him regret his entire life. Now, we have Sylvester Stallone playing Joseph Dredd, a man who thinks the best way to uphold the law is to yell “I AM THE LAW” so loud that the audience’s ears start bleeding. This movie is a loud, messy pile of garbage, and yet, I couldn’t look away—mostly because the bright lights kept burning my retinas. (well, that and the codpieces)
Stallone spends half the movie behind a helmet that makes him look like a disgruntled toaster, and the other half making faces that suggest he’s having a very difficult time with a bran muffin. He’s supposed to be this legendary lawman, but he’s about as intimidating as a mall security guard after a double shift. And don’t even get me started on the youth appeal here. They threw in Rob Schneider as the “comic relief.” If that guy is the future of comedy, I’d rather spend my retirement watching paint dry in a room full of mosquitoes. He spends the whole movie whining like a teenager who got his phone taken away.
The plot is a convoluted mess about clones, brothers, and a city that looks like a New York subway station during a garbage strike. Armand Assante plays the villain, Rico, and he’s chewing the scenery so hard I’m surprised there was any set left for the final act. He’s Stallone’s “brother,” but they have as much chemistry as a cat and a vacuum cleaner. It’s all just an excuse to show off sets that cost more than my first three houses combined, while the actual story has holes big enough to drive a Mega-City transport through.
That being said, I’ll give the movie one thing: it’s committed to its own stupidity. There’s a giant robot, some cannibal mutants in the desert, and Diane Lane looking like she’s wondering how her agent talked her into this. I hated the dialogue, I hated the pacing, and I hated that I actually enjoyed the scene where the robot rips a guy’s arms off. It’s mindless, it’s expensive, and it represents everything wrong with the kids today—they want flashy lights and loud noises instead of a plot you can actually follow without a roadmap and a stiff drink.
The Cast
- Sylvester Stallone (Judge Joseph Dredd): The man with the most muscular jawline in history. He plays Dredd with the emotional range of a brick wall.
- Armand Assante (Rico): Dredd’s evil “brother.” He spends the movie screaming and looking like he really needs a nap.
- Rob Schneider (Fergie): A convict who follows Dredd around. He’s meant to be funny; he is not.
- Diane Lane (Judge Hershey): The only person in the movie who looks like she actually graduated from acting school.
- Max von Sydow (Chief Justice Fargo): A legendary actor who clearly needed to pay off a very large gambling debt.
Special Effects and Music
The effects are a mixed bag of “hey, that’s cool” and “did a toddler draw that?” The city looks impressive in a bleak, depressing way, but the “ABC Warrior” robot looks like a giant tin can. The music by Alan Silvestri is actually quite good—it’s big, heroic, and way too sophisticated for a movie where a man shoots a flare out of a gun while jumping off a motorcycle.
Rating: ★★☆☆☆
2 out of 5 Stars. One star for the cool costumes, and one star for the fact that it eventually ended.
Synopsis and Plot Breakdown
In the third millennium, the world is a “Cursed Earth” wasteland, and everyone lives in overcrowded Mega-Cities. There are no cops or lawyers, just “Judges” who serve as jury and executioner on the spot. Joseph Dredd is the baddest Judge in town until he is framed for the murder of a reporter.
It turns out his “brother” Rico—who was created in the same lab as part of a “Janus” cloning project—has escaped prison and is framing Dredd to take over the city. Dredd gets exiled, meets up with a loser named Fergie, and survives a run-in with a family of desert cannibals. He eventually sneaks back into the city to stop Rico from creating an army of evil clones. There’s a big fight on top of the Statue of Liberty (because of course there is), Dredd kills Rico, saves the city, and goes back to being a grumpy jerk who yells at people for parking violations.
5 Famous Quotes
- “I am the law!”
- “The crime is murder. The sentence is death.”
- “I knew you’d say that.” (Maybe the worst catch phrase of all time)
- “LIIIIVE! LIIIIIVE!” (Rico being dramatic as usual).
- “Court’s adjourned.”
5 Interesting Facts
- The Helmet Controversy: Fans of the comic were furious because Dredd is never supposed to take off his helmet, but Stallone took it off within the first 20 minutes because he wanted his face on screen.
- Versace Designs: Believe it or not, the Judge uniforms were designed by Gianni Versace. I wouldn’t wear that to a funeral, let alone a shootout.
- The Robot: The “ABC Warrior” robot was a practical effect, not CGI, and it’s one of the few things in the movie that actually looks intimidating.
- The Original Dredd: This was the first attempt at a Dredd movie; they tried again in 2012 with a much grittier (better) version that actually kept the helmet on.
- Stallone vs. Director: Stallone and the director, Danny Cannon, reportedly hated each other and fought constantly about the tone of the movie. It shows.
Photos
Trailer
Review Notes
They were going for a comedy mix, unfortunately the only funny thing is the way Stallone delivers his lines, badly.
Eat recycled food, its not that bad for you (funny)
The brother plot is kind of… well stupid is really the only way I can describe it.
The effects are an interesting mix of good and horrible.
Don’t die… blechh dead. The old Chief Justice Snydow has the worst death scene ever in a movie.
Armand Assante at least gives some effort at being a bad guy.
The ABC robot is the best thing in this whole movie.
Dredd has no problem killing cops though.
The flying motorcycle scene may be some of the worst effects I have ever seen.
The climax of this movie is… anti climactic.. judge bitch etc.
I knew you’d say that has to be the worst catch phrase of all time.