If you’re looking for a reason to keep your kids out of those fancy private schools, look no further than Masterminds. It’s a story about a bunch of rich brats getting kidnapped by a man who clearly has better things to do, but apparently, the rent in space is getting too high. It’s got computers, it’s got guns, and it’s got a “hacker” kid who probably couldn’t find the power button on a toaster if his life depended on it.
The film stars that guy from the spaceship show, Patrick Stewart, and some kid named Vincent Kartheiser who looks like he needs a haircut and a firm talking-to. It’s directed by Roger Christian, who I assume was trying to make a movie but ended up with a 100-minute commercial for why we should bring back the paddle in schools. If you’ve got nothing better to do than watch a teenager outsmart a British genius with a laptop and some attitude, this is the flick for you.
REVIEW BY BEN DOVER
Rating: ★★☆☆☆
Let me tell you something, back in my day, if a kid was a “rebel,” he’d smoke a cigarette behind the gym or skip shop class to go fishing. Nowadays, according to the movies, being a rebel means you’re a “hacker.” This movie, Masterminds, features a kid named Ozzie who gets expelled for some prank involving the school’s computer system. I don’t know what a “mainframe” is, and frankly, I don’t care, but apparently, it gives this kid the right to act like he’s God’s gift to the world. He’s the kind of kid who’d talk back to his mother and then wonder why he’s eating dinner in the dark.
Then we’ve got Patrick Stewart. Now, I like the guy, he’s got a voice that sounds like expensive mahogany and a head that reflects light better than a disco ball. But here he is, playing a “security expert” named Rafe Bentley who decides to hold a whole school hostage for millions of dollars. Why? Because he’s a criminal mastermind, that’s why. You’d think a guy who can command a starship could handle one punky teenager, but no. He spends the whole movie getting tripped up by a kid who looks like he’s never seen a day of hard labor in his life. It’s embarrassing.
The plot is basically Home Alone if Kevin McAllister had a modem and the burglars were actually competent for the first five minutes. The school is supposed to be this high-tech fortress, but Ozzie runs through it like it’s a jungle gym. He uses “gadgets” and “tech” to fight back. Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned fistfight? Everything’s gotta be buttons and blinking lights now. It’s enough to make a man want to move to a cabin in the woods and throw his TV in a lake.
I’ll give credit where it’s due—Brenda Fricker plays the principal, and she’s the only one in the whole mess who looks like she wants to slap some sense into these people. But the rest of it? It’s a loud, flashy mess that thinks kids are smarter than they actually are. I’ve met kids today; half of them can’t tie their shoes without a YouTube tutorial, let alone take down an armed militia. It’s a fantasy for children who think they’re special because they can type fast.
The Stars
- Patrick Stewart (Rafe Bentley): He’s the villain. He tries to look mean, but he’s too dignified for this garbage. He’s like a Shakespearean actor performing at a five-year-old’s birthday party.
- Vincent Kartheiser (Ozzie Paxton): The “hero.” He’s a brat with a computer. He’s supposed to be charming, but I just wanted him to get grounded for a month.
- Brenda Fricker (Principal Claire Maloney): She won an Oscar once, you know. Now she’s dealing with this. She looks tired, and I don’t blame her.
- Bradley Whitford (Miles): He’s one of the bad guys. He’s fine, I guess, but he’s no Patrick Stewart.
Special Effects & Music
The “special effects” are mostly just people looking at computer screens with green text on them. They call that “hacking.” I call it “staring at a TV.” There are some explosions and some high-tech gadgets that look like they were bought at a RadioShack clearance sale. The explosions are particularly overdone as most movies have learned that less is more, but not here, here a machine gun can create car explosions that are near atomic blast size. As for the music, it’s that generic 90s action noise, lots of synthesizers and “suspenseful” thumping that just gave me a headache. It’s loud for no reason, like my neighbor’s lawnmower at 6:00 AM.
SYNOPSIS AND PLOT BREAKDOWN
The movie kicks off with Ozzie Paxton, a teenage troublemaker and self-proclaimed computer genius, getting himself expelled from Shady Glen School for a prank that involved hacking into the school’s system. While he’s packing up his stuff to leave, a group of highly trained mercenaries led by Rafe Bentley a former security consultant for the school invades the campus. They take the entire student body hostage, locking them in the high-tech basement, and demand a ransom of $650 million.
Bentley thinks he’s thought of everything. He knows the security codes, he’s got the firepower, and he’s got the “Master Plan.” What he didn’t count on was Ozzie, who stayed behind to pull one last prank and avoided being captured. Ozzie decides to play hero, using his knowledge of the school’s vents and computer systems to harass the terrorists. He manages to stay one step ahead of the bad guys, using everything from fire extinguishers to computer viruses to mess with Bentley’s operation.
As the police and FBI sit outside doing absolutely nothing (as usual), Ozzie connects with the school’s principal, Claire Maloney, who is also hiding in the building. Together, they try to sabotage the ransom delivery. Bentley gets increasingly frustrated because he’s being outplayed by a kid who hasn’t even hit his growth spurt. Eventually, it leads to a final confrontation where Ozzie has to use his “hacking” skills to stop Bentley from escaping with the money and blowing up the school. In the end, the kid saves the day, the bad guys go to jail, and I’m left wondering why I paid six bucks for a ticket.
FAMOUS QUOTES
- “I didn’t fail. I was just… creatively redirected.”
- “You’re not a mastermind, Bentley. You’re just a guy with a remote control.”
- “The problem with the younger generation is they think everything is a game.”
- “I’m Ozzie Paxton. I don’t follow the rules; I rewrite them.”
- “School’s out, Bentley. Permanently.”
INTERESTING FACTS
- Directorial Pedigree: The film was directed by Roger Christian, who won an Oscar for his work on the original Star Wars sets. You’d think he’d know how to make a movie look better than a Sears catalog.
- The “Hacker” Trope: This movie came out right in the middle of the 90s “tech-sploitation” boom, where every movie thought a teenager with a laptop was more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.
- Patrick Stewart’s Choice: Stewart reportedly took the role because he wanted to play a villain for once, though I suspect he also wanted a new swimming pool.
- Box Office Dud: The movie made less than $2 million at the box office. Turns out, people would rather stay home and yell at their own kids for free.
- Vincent’s Early Career: This was one of Vincent Kartheiser’s first big roles before he went on to play a whiny brat in Angel and a slimy ad man in Mad Men. At least he’s consistent.
PHOTOS
TRAILER
(You can actually see Patrick Stewart’s dignity leave his body in real-time in the trailer)