Alright, let’s get this over with. Another superhero movie, just what the world needs. Like we don’t have enough people running around in capes already. This one’s called “Man of Steel,” and judging by the title, you’d think it’s about some kind of industrial accident. But no, it’s about another alien with a sob story and too many muscles. They’re trying to make him all dark and serious this time, probably to appeal to the youngsters who think sunshine and optimism are for squares. Well, I’ve got news for them: it’s still a guy flying around in tights.
So, they’re promising us a gritty, modern take on the Superman myth. Apparently, the old one was too cheerful for these gloomy times. We’ll see about that. They’ve got some big names attached, trying to lend this comic book nonsense some kind of artistic credibility. And of course, the special effects will be through the roof, because that’s all these movies have going for them these days – a lot of flashy lights and things blowing up real good. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good explosion as much as the next geezer, but it better serve a decent story, which I highly doubt it will.
Review by Ben Dover
Well, I sat through it. Two hours and twenty-three minutes of my life I’ll never get back, watching this “Man of Steel.” And what did I get for it? A headache and the nagging feeling that I could have used that time to finally organize my stamp collection. This supposed “reimagining” of Superman is about as fresh as week-old roadkill. They took a perfectly good story about a farm boy who can fly and turned it into some kind of epic space opera with more angst than a teenager’s diary.
The kid, Kal-El or Clark or whatever they’re calling him this week, gets sent to Earth from his dying planet Krypton. Apparently, Kryptonians were real dummies because they used up all their planet’s energy. Sounds about right for an alien civilization. Anyway, he grows up on a farm in Kansas, moping around because he’s different. Newsflash, kid: everyone’s different. That’s what makes the world go ’round, or at least that’s what my dear departed wife used to say. These youngsters today, always feeling sorry for themselves.
Then comes the bad guy, General Zod. Now, this fella is just a ray of sunshine, wanting to turn Earth into another Krypton, which, if you recall, blew up. Brilliant plan. So Superman, or whatever his superhero name is, has to punch him a lot. And boy, do they punch. They smash through buildings, they fly around like a couple of angry hornets, and the whole city of Metropolis ends up looking like it went through a demolition derby. I tell ya, the insurance rates in that town must be sky-high.
The ending? Well, let’s just say it involves a decision that your goody-two-shoes Superman of yesteryear would never have made. They’re trying to be all edgy and “realistic,” but it just feels…wrong. Like putting ketchup on a perfectly good hot dog. Some things are sacred, people! And Superman not being a killer is one of them. But what do I know? I’m just an old man yelling at a screen.
Who Stars In It:
- Henry Cavill as Clark Kent/Superman: A big, strapping lad who spends most of the movie looking constipated. Apparently, saving the world gives you indigestion.
- Amy Adams as Lois Lane: The intrepid reporter who falls for the alien with the personality of a wet sock. What does she see in him? Maybe he has a good dental plan.
- Michael Shannon as General Zod: The villain with a serious anger management problem and a voice that sounds like he gargles with gravel.
- Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent: Clark’s adoptive father, who teaches him to hide his powers from everyone. Good job there, Dad. Real helpful.
- Diane Lane as Martha Kent: Clark’s adoptive mother, who mostly looks worried. Smart woman.
- Russell Crowe as Jor-El: Superman’s biological father, who appears as a hologram to give exposition dumps. Thanks, Dad.
Special Effects:
Oh, the special effects. Yes, they are…special. Lots of things blowing up, lots of CGI muscles rippling, and Superman flying faster than any sensible person would. It all looks very expensive, I’ll give them that. But after a while, it just becomes a noisy mess. It’s like they spent so much time on making things look shiny that they forgot to write a coherent story. My generation, we had stories! Sure, the effects were cheesy, but at least you could follow what was going on without needing a diagram.
Music:
The music is one of those booming, dramatic scores that tries to make everything feel ten times more important than it actually is. Lots of loud horns and crashing cymbals. It’s the kind of music that makes you think you should be standing at attention, even when you’re just watching a guy in a cape punch another guy in a cape. It’s not terrible, I suppose, just…loud. Like my neighbor’s grandkids playing their…what do they call it?…rap music.
Rating:
3.5 out of 5 Brooding Capes. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s certainly not the best. It’s loud, it’s long, and it takes a character I really enjoy and turns him into some brooding alien with daddy issues. It’s just too dark for me. The special effects are flashy, but they can’t hide the fact that the story is about as deep as a puddle.
About the Author
Ben Dover still mutters about “Man of Steel” during his afternoon nap, claiming the sheer volume of explosions rattled his dentures. He recalls attending the premiere only because they were serving those little cocktail sausages he enjoys. Dover insists the film aged him “at least five years, and not in a good way, like a fine cheese, more like a forgotten carton of milk in the back of the fridge.” He reportedly uses his ticket stub as a bookmark in his copy of “How to Complain Effectively” and once tried to return the movie to the theater for a refund, arguing that it constituted “emotional distress.” His proctologist has advised him against rewatching any Zack Snyder films, citing “excessive sphincter clenching during fight scenes.” Dover considers his review of “Man of Steel” his contribution to geriatric awareness, proving that even with state-of-the-art CGI, Hollywood can still make a movie that feels longer than his last colonoscopy.
Synopsis and Plot Breakdown
The film begins on the planet Krypton, where scientist Jor-El (Crowe) warns the ruling council about the planet’s impending destruction due to the reckless exploitation of its core. Simultaneously, General Zod (Shannon) leads a military coup. As Krypton crumbles, Jor-El and his wife Lara (Zurer) send their infant son Kal-El to Earth in a rocket, embedding his DNA with a genetic codex meant to preserve the Kryptonian race. Jor-El is killed by Zod before the launch. Zod and his followers are banished to the Phantom Zone as Krypton explodes.
Kal-El’s ship lands in Smallville, Kansas, where he is found and raised by farmers Jonathan (Costner) and Martha Kent (Lane), who name him Clark. As Clark grows, he develops superhuman abilities due to Earth’s yellow sun. Jonathan urges him to keep his powers secret. Years later, Jonathan dies during a tornado, a tragedy Clark feels he could have prevented if he had used his abilities openly. Burdened by guilt and searching for his place, Clark travels the world, working various odd jobs under different aliases.
Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane (Adams) investigates the discovery of a Kryptonian scout ship in the Arctic. Clark arrives at the ship and activates its artificial intelligence, which contains a holographic projection of his father, Jor-El. The AI reveals Clark’s origins and his purpose: to be a beacon of hope for humanity. Lois witnesses Clark’s abilities when she accidentally triggers the ship’s defenses, and he saves her. She tries to publish her story but is blocked by her editor, Perry White (Fishburne). Lois eventually tracks Clark down in Smallville but decides to keep his secret after learning about Jonathan’s sacrifice.
Meanwhile, Zod and his followers escape the Phantom Zone and arrive on Earth, following the signal from the scout ship. Zod demands that Earth surrender Kal-El, threatening global destruction. Clark reveals himself to the military, hoping to protect humanity. Zod captures Clark and Lois, revealing his plan to use a World Engine to terraform Earth into a new Krypton, wiping out the human population. With the help of the Jor-El AI, Clark and Lois escape and warn the military.
A battle ensues between Superman and Zod’s forces. Superman defeats Zod’s lieutenant, Faora (Traue), and convinces the military that he is an ally. Zod activates the World Engine, causing massive destruction in Metropolis. Superman manages to destroy the machine, but the Black Zero, Zod’s ship, crashes, freeing his remaining soldiers from the Phantom Zone. With his plans thwarted and Krypton’s revival impossible, Zod vows to destroy Earth out of revenge. In a final, brutal battle across Metropolis, Superman is forced to kill Zod to save a family trapped in a train station, a decision that deeply affects him.
In the aftermath, Clark adopts the moniker “Superman” and makes a deal with the government, agreeing to work independently as a protector of Earth while maintaining his secret identity as Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent.
Famous Quotes from the Movie
- Jor-El: “You will give the people of Earth an ideal to strive towards. They will race behind you, they will stumble, they will fall. But in time, they will join you in the sun, Kal. In time, you will help them accomplish wonders.” (Sounded like a fortune cookie to me.)
- Jonathan Kent: “You have to decide what kind of man you want to grow up to be, Clark. Whoever that man is, good character or bad, it’s gonna change the world.” (Deep stuff coming from a guy who told his son to hide in a closet.)
- General Zod: “Kneel before Zod!” (Yeah, right. I kneel for no one, especially not a fella in a silly-looking suit.)
- Lois Lane: “You can fly?” (Well, duh. Did you miss the part where he was soaring through the air like a bird…a very muscular bird?)
- Superman: “It has to end.” (Said right before he does something that made all the old-timers clutch their pearls.)
Notes from the Movie
- The filmmakers went for a more “realistic” and grounded approach to Superman, which apparently meant making him mopey and the action sequences incredibly destructive. Progress, I guess?
- The character of Jonathan Kent was portrayed as more fearful and cautious about Clark revealing his powers than in previous iterations. Guess they wanted to add some “complexity.”
- The movie features a significant amount of Kryptonian backstory and mythology, which might be interesting to some, but to me, it just felt like a lot of made-up mumbo jumbo.
- The final battle between Superman and Zod resulted in widespread destruction of Metropolis, raising questions about the consequences of superhero fights. Finally, someone remembered the collateral damage!
- “Man of Steel” is considered the first film in the DC Extended Universe (DCEU), a series of interconnected movies featuring DC Comics characters. So, buckle up, folks, there’s more of this darkness coming.
- Full credit to Cavill, he refused a muscle outfit and they specifically put in the shirtless scene to prove it was all him… no steroids either.
- Originally intended to take place in the same universe as the Dark Knight Trilogy with Joseph Gordon-Levitt appearing as John Blake/Batman, but instead it kickstarted a new universe of DC Comics movies, with Ben Affleck becoming the new Batman.
- Tough how he lets his father die to keep his secret. Lois knows though in this movie.
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