Preview of “Mystery, Alaska”
From the frozen wilderness of Alaska comes a tale so unbelievable, it could only be true… or at least, Hollywood’s version of true. The sleepy, one-horse town of Mystery (population: a few folks with more teeth missing than brain cells) lives and breathes for one thing: their Saturday hockey game on the local pond. These ain’t your fancy, overpaid NHL prima donnas; these are your salt-of-the-earth types, the kind who probably use frozen fish sticks as pucks when they run out of the real thing.
But hold your horses, folks, because things are about to get crazier than a moose on ice skates. A hotshot writer, who thankfully escaped this frozen wasteland, pens an article for some fancy sports magazine claiming these yokels are practically Gretzky on ice. Next thing you know, the New York Rangers, those big-city slickers with more endorsements than goals some weeks, are heading to Mystery for an exhibition game. Can these small-town heroes, whose idea of strategy involves yelling and hitting things, possibly stand a chance against the pros? Find out in “Mystery, Alaska,” a film that’s about as predictable as a hockey fight, but hopefully with a few more laughs… maybe.
Review by Ben Dover
Well, they certainly went and made a movie about a bunch of goons chasing a frozen disc around. “Mystery, Alaska.” The title alone sounds like something my grandkids would come up with after staying up past their bedtime. And the premise? A bunch of small-town hicks thinking they can play hockey against the big boys? It’s like watching a bunch of squirrels trying to take down an eagle. You know how it’s gonna end, but you watch anyway, hoping for some slapstick along the way.
The town of Mystery itself looks like someone forgot to pay the heating bill for the entire state. You’ve got your quirky characters, of course. Every small town in the movies has to have ’em. There’s the crusty old judge who used to be a hockey star, now probably spends his days yelling at the television. Then you’ve got the sheriff, a decent enough fella, I suppose, even if he looks like he’s perpetually constipated. And let’s not forget the local Romeo, who probably thinks Axe body spray is a sophisticated cologne. These folks are about as subtle as a foghorn in a library.
The big hullabaloo is this game against the New York Rangers. Now, I’ve seen a hockey game or two in my day, and let me tell you, the level of skill difference here is wider than my waistline after Thanksgiving dinner. The movie tries to build up this David versus Goliath scenario, but it mostly feels like watching a bunch of amateurs flailing around while the professionals try not to laugh too hard. There are some attempts at humor, mostly derived from the culture clash between the city folk and the Alaskans. Some of it lands, mostly the parts where the city folks look utterly bewildered by the simple way of life. The rest? Well, let’s just say my dentures got more laughs rattling in my mouth.
Now, I will admit, there’s a certain charm to the whole thing. It’s the underdog story, the little guys trying to prove something. Even a grumpy old coot like me can appreciate that, in theory. But the execution? Eh. The hockey scenes are… adequate. You can mostly tell who’s who and what’s going on, which is more than I can say for some of these modern action flicks with their shaky cameras. But don’t go expecting any breathtaking displays of athleticism. It’s more like watching a bunch of folks slip and slide on an oversized puddle.
Who Stars in the Movie
The film features a few recognizable mugs. You’ve got Russell Crowe as John Biebe, the town sheriff and a former hockey player who gets the dubious honor of leading this ragtag team. Crowe, usually a pretty intense fella, plays it mostly straight here, probably wondering how he ended up in a movie about ice hockey in the middle of nowhere.
Then there’s Burt Reynolds as Judge Walter Burns, the aforementioned crusty old judge with a hockey past. Reynolds does his usual Burt Reynolds thing, which involves squinting and sounding like he gargles gravel. He’s supposed to be the wise old mentor, but mostly he just looks like he wants to take a nap.
Hank Azaria plays Charles Danner, the writer who stirs up all this trouble. You might recognize his voice from some cartoon show or another. Here, he’s the city slicker who comes back to his small town and suddenly realizes that maybe those simple folks aren’t as dumb as he thought. Shocking, I know.
Rounding out the main players are Mary McCormack as Donna Biebe, the sheriff’s wife and Danner’s former flame (because every small-town story needs a love triangle, apparently), and a whole slew of other folks playing the quirky townsfolk. They’re mostly there to provide local color and occasionally trip over their own skates.
Thoughts on Special Effects
Well, folks, this ain’t “Star Wars.” The special effects here mostly involve people falling on ice and the occasional spray of snow. I suppose they had to make the hockey rink look somewhat convincing, and they managed that. The outdoor setting is pretty enough, I’ll give them that. All those snowy mountains and frozen landscapes. Makes you shiver just looking at it, which I guess is the point since it’s supposed to be Alaska. But if you’re coming for explosions and laser beams, you’re in the wrong theater. This is about as low-tech as it gets, which, in some ways, is a refreshing change from all that CGI nonsense they cram into movies these days.
Thoughts on Music
The music in “Mystery, Alaska” is… there. It’s your typical feel-good sports movie soundtrack. Lots of swelling orchestral stuff when they’re trying to be inspirational, and some folksy tunes to remind you that these are simple, down-to-earth people. Nothing particularly memorable, mind you. I couldn’t hum you a single bar of it right now if you put a gun to my head. It does its job of telling you how you’re supposed to feel at any given moment, which is about all you can ask for in a movie like this. Oh, and they even got Little Richard to sing the national anthem. Why? I have no earthly idea. But hey, at least it was something different.
Rating
Three and a half out of five frozen cheating wives. Look, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It has a few chuckles, and the small-town charm is… well, charming in a very predictable way. You get the true David E. Kelley feel when everyone is schtupping everyones wife/girl/post, whatever they can find. (It IS a small town.) But it’s also pretty formulaic, and the central premise is about as believable as a politician telling the truth. If you’ve got nothing better to do on a cold night and you’re a sucker for underdog stories, you might get a mild kick out of it. Otherwise, you’re probably better off watching an actual hockey game, where at least the hits are real.
About the Author (According to My Grandkids)
Ben Dover is a grumpy old man who yells at the TV and thinks the internet is a passing fad. He’s been watching movies since they were silent (and he still prefers them that way). His grandkids say his reviews are funnier than a clown with his pants down, though he doesn’t see the humor in that comparison. He lives in a recliner, surrounded by stacks of old newspapers and empty Werther’s Original wrappers, and occasionally ventures out to the movie theater just so he has something new to complain about. He’s pretty sure most modern filmmakers are a bunch of nincompoops, and he’s not afraid to say it. His only joys in life are a good cup of black coffee, a well-placed crossword puzzle clue, and tearing apart bad cinema.
Synopsis and Plot Breakdown
The small, isolated town of Mystery, Alaska, revolves around its weekly “Saturday Game,” an amateur hockey match played on a frozen pond. The locals take this tradition very seriously, and the games are a central part of their community life. Sheriff John Biebe, a longtime player and captain, is informed by the mayor that he’s being benched to make way for younger talent.
Meanwhile, Charles Danner, a former resident who left Mystery to become a writer for Sports Illustrated, pens an article highlighting the unique hockey culture of the town and jokingly suggests that their skills might rival those of the NHL. This catches the attention of the league, and as a publicity stunt, the New York Rangers agree to travel to Mystery for an exhibition game.
The town is thrown into a frenzy of excitement and preparation. They need a coach, and the reluctant choice is Judge Walter Burns, a former college hockey star and the father of one of the local players. Burns is initially skeptical but eventually agrees to help. John Biebe, despite being initially sidelined, is brought back onto the team as captain.
As the game approaches, the cultural clash between the small-town residents and the big-city professionals becomes apparent. The Rangers initially treat the game as a joke, but as they experience the harsh conditions and the surprising tenacity of the Mystery team, their attitude begins to change.
During the nationally televised game, the heavily favored Rangers initially dominate. However, the locals, fueled by their pride and the support of their community, manage to put up a respectable fight. In the end, while Mystery doesn’t win, they earn the respect of the Rangers and, more importantly, reaffirm their own sense of community and identity. The game becomes less about winning and more about the spirit of the small town coming together.
Famous Quotes from the Movie
- “I play hockey and I fornicate, ’cause those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather.” – ‘Skank’ Marden (Ron Eldard)
- “We’re not a town that rolls over and plays dead just because some fancy city folk show up.” – Mayor Scott Pitcher (Colm Meaney)
- “Hockey’s not just a game; it’s life. Only faster.” – Judge Walter Burns (Burt Reynolds)
- “You came back here to write about us? You left for a reason, Charlie.” – John Biebe (Russell Crowe)
- “Well, at least we didn’t get skunked.” – Stevie Weeks (Ryan Northcott), after the game.
Notes from the Movie
- The fictional town of Mystery, Alaska, was actually built from scratch near Canmore, Alberta, Canada. The location was a former coal mine that had filled with water, creating a picturesque lake surrounded by mountains.
- The movie’s writer, David E. Kelley, is known for his work on television shows like “Picket Fences,” “Chicago Hope,” and “Ally McBeal,” which often feature quirky characters and small-town dynamics.
- Reportedly, the filmmakers had difficulty getting real NHL players to appear in the movie, which is why the New York Rangers are portrayed by actors.
- The long rendition of the American national anthem by Little Richard before the game was intentionally drawn out by the Mayor of Mystery to keep the Rangers waiting in the cold longer.
- The movie explores themes of small-town identity, the impact of outsiders on a close-knit community, and the spirit of amateur sports.
- The movie is loosely based on the 1905 Stanley Cup game between the Dawson City Nuggets and the Ottawa Senators.
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