Alright, settle down, you whippersnappers. Ben Dover’s here to tell you about that “art film” nonsense, Mr. Nobody. You think you’re so deep because you watched a movie with a guy who can’t remember his own birthday? Please. I’ve seen more coherent stories written on the back of a cocktail napkin after a bingo night. If you’re looking for a movie that’ll make you feel like you’ve just spent two hours trying to assemble IKEA furniture with a blindfold on, then this is your jam.
They call it a “science fiction romantic drama.” I call it two hours of my life I’ll never get back. This flick jumps around timelines like a frog on a hot skillet, trying to tell you some deep story about choices and love and whatnot. They throw in some fancy visuals and a whole lot of pretentious mumbo jumbo about the butterfly effect, and expect you to nod along like you understand what’s going on. If you’re into movies that make you feel dumb, go ahead. If you want something with a plot you can actually follow, go watch a rerun of Matlock.
Review by Ben Dover
Ah, Mr. Nobody – or as I like to call it, “Mr. What The Hell Did I Just Watch For Two And A Half Hours?”
Look, I’ve been reviewing films since before most directors were born, and I can tell you with certainty that this 2013 pretentious mess is what happens when a filmmaker decides to throw every philosophical concept they learned in college into a blender and hit puree.
The whole “butterfly effect” concept has been done better by… well, “The Butterfly Effect,” and that starred Ashton Kutcher, for crying out loud! At least that movie knew what it wanted to be. Mr. Nobody wants to be profound sci-fi, romantic drama, family tragedy, and quantum physics lecture all at once.
Let’s get one thing straight: I’ve seen more organized chaos at a toddler’s birthday party. Mr. Nobody is a mess. A beautiful, visually stunning mess, but a mess nonetheless.
The plot? Ha! That’s cute. You think there’s a plot. This film has more timelines than my grandson has excuses for not calling his grandpa. Nemo lives multiple lives simultaneously based on different choices he makes. Or doesn’t make. Or might make. Or dreams about making. Jared Leto plays Nemo Nobody, a 118-year-old man who’s either the last mortal on Earth or completely delusional. Probably both. The movie can’t decide, so why should I? Leto spends the entire film looking constipated while trying to convey “deep thoughts.” Congratulations, kid, you’ve mastered the art of staring into the middle distance while the audience checks their watches. It’s like watching a mental patient try to explain quantum physics. Who knows? Who cares? Certainly not the director, who was too busy making sure every shot looked like an expensive perfume commercial.
The movie throws so many different timelines and realities at you that you’ll be reaching for the aspirin by the halfway mark. One minute, he’s married to Anna, the next he’s with Elise, and then there’s Jeanne, and who knows what else. It’s like the director decided to throw a dart at a board labeled “Existential Crises” and just went with whatever it landed on.
The love stories might be interesting if I could figure out which ones actually happened. Nemo has three potential wives, and I couldn’t care less about any of them because the film doesn’t care enough to commit to one reality.
And don’t even get me started on the “philosophical” monologues. They’re so heavy-handed, they could sink a battleship. “Before we are born, we live in a state of forgetting,” they say. Oh, really? I thought we were just floating around waiting to be born. Give me a break. And would it kill them to explain anything? The film throws around quantum physics like I throw around my back when I bend over. There’s a scene with these little eggs that predict the future or something. I think the filmmakers were on some eggs of their own when they wrote this garbage.
The visuals are, I’ll admit, impressive. They throw in some stunning special effects and some genuinely beautiful cinematography. But putting pretty pictures around nonsense is like putting lipstick on a pig – at the end of the day, you’ve still got a pig. A very confused, overly long pig.
The music, a mix of classical and contemporary, is decent enough, but it’s hard to appreciate when you’re trying to figure out if you’re watching the past, present, or some alternate dimension where cats rule the world.
Now where’s my remote? I need to watch Die Hard to cleanse my palate after this nonsense.
Ben Dover has been reviewing films for the “Daily Dispatch” since 1978, much to the dismay of filmmakers everywhere and the entertainment of readers. A former projector operator who claims to have seen “more garbage on screen than a landfill manager,” Thornton famously walked out of “E.T.” because he found it “manipulative nonsense” and has never forgiven James Cameron for “making boats boring” with Titanic.
His reviewing style has been described as “caustic,” “merciless,” and by his own mother as “needlessly mean-spirited.” His hobbies include yelling at streaming services, writing strongly-worded letters to film studios, and perfecting his signature snort of disgust, which can be heard from the back row of any theater unfortunate enough to have him in attendance.
His memoir, “I Hated It First: Confessions of a Professional Cinematic Grump,” remains unpublished because, in his words, “publishers these days wouldn’t know good writing if it smacked them in the face with a clapperboard.”
Starring
- Jared Leto as Nemo Nobody: That guy who looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. He does a decent job, I guess, considering he’s playing a guy who’s lived about a million different lives.
- Sarah Polley as Elise: One of Nemo’s potential wives, and perpetually miserable.
- Diane Kruger as Anna: Another potential wife, and slightly less miserable.
- Linh Dan Pham as Jeanne: The third potential wife, and probably the most normal of the bunch.
Special Effects and Music
The special effects are top-notch. They’re all fancy and shiny, like a new car. The music is alright. It’s there. It plays when it’s supposed to. Nothing to write home about.
Rating
2 out of 5 crazy old fuckers. – 2 points for the visuals, zero for coherence. If you want to feel smart without actually understanding anything, this is your movie. Otherwise, do what I should have done – take a nap instead. At least your dreams might make more sense than whatever Jared Leto was doing.
Synopsis and Plot Breakdown
Mr. Nobody tells the story of Nemo Nobody, the last mortal man on Earth in the year 2092. As a 118-year-old, he recounts his life to a psychiatrist, but his memories are fragmented and contradictory. He remembers multiple versions of his life, each based on different choices he made as a child.
The film explores three main timelines: one where he marries Elise, a troubled woman; another where he marries Anna, his childhood sweetheart; and a third where he marries Jeanne, a wealthy woman. Each timeline unfolds with its own set of consequences, showing how different choices can lead to vastly different lives.
The film also delves into Nemo’s childhood, particularly the pivotal moment when he had to choose between living with his mother or his father after their divorce. This choice sets off a chain reaction of alternate realities, making it impossible for Nemo to distinguish between what actually happened and what could have happened.
The ending leaves it ambiguous whether any of these timelines are real, or if they are all just the ramblings of an old man on his deathbed.
Famous Quotes
- “If you mix the quiet with the noise, you get the sound of air.”
- “Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.”
- “Before we are born, we live in a state of forgetting.”
- “Why am I me and not someone else”
- “You have to make the right choice. As long as you don’t choose, everything remains possible.“
- “When you are sure that you know everything, you are in a state of forgetting.”
Interesting Facts
- The film took over three years to make.
- Jaco Van Dormael, the director, spent ten years writing the script.
- The film features over 300 different visual effects shots.
- The film was shot in Belgium, Canada, Germany, France, and Spain.
- The film’s budget was roughly $47 million. Domestic gross of $3,622 and overseas gross of $3,543,587
Trailer
Reviewer Notes
Nothing American here except the actors
No wonder this fucker turned into the Joker
Microphone implant is kind of weird and cool
Dude really had sex with his stepsister, god damn Andy you have a type of movie
OK The space elevator is cool
My head hurts