Back in my day, spies were suave, they had gadgets that actually made sense (a pen that shoots tranquilizers, not some darn smartphone that does everything but make a decent call), and the villains? They had real evil plans, not just wanting more likes on their TikTok. But times change, I guess. Now we got this newfangled “James Bond” fella, played by some fresh-faced kid with a name I already forgot. Something like Purse Brosnan? Anyway, he’s supposed to save the world from some satellite thingy called “GoldenEye.” Sounds like something my grandkids would play on their Nintendo contraptions. But hey, at least there are explosions, and I hear there’s a dame who crushes fellas between her thighs. Now that’s something I understand. Maybe this won’t be a total waste of two hours after all.
They say this picture brought Bond into the “modern era.” Modern era? What’s so great about the modern era? You got computers that crash more than my old Ford, music that sounds like cats fighting in a garbage can, and youngsters with their pants hanging down to their ankles. But he’s still got a stiff drink in one hand and a sharp quip in the other while blowing up bad guys, so maybe, just maybe, this old dog can learn a new trick.
Review by Ben Dover
Well, give me a license to kill and call me 007! Just when I thought the Bond franchise was as dead as disco, along comes “GoldenEye” to prove that sometimes, an old dog can learn new tricks – even if that dog is wearing a tuxedo and has a thing for vodka martinis.
Pierce Brosnan debuts as James Bond, looking so perfectly tailored and coiffed that he makes the previous Bonds look like they shopped at Sears. The man’s jawline is so sharp it could cut diamonds, and he delivers one-liners with the precision of a Swiss watch. After Timothy Dalton’s run (which had all the charm of a tax audit), Brosnan’s Bond is a breath of fresh air – smoother than a well-aged scotch and twice as intoxicating. This Pierce fella’s got a bit of that old-school charm I appreciate. Still not Connery, mind you, but he fills the suit nicely.
The plot? It’s more twisted than my arthritic back. Something about a space weapon, a rogue agent, and the Russians (because it’s always the Russians). It’s like they threw a handful of Cold War clichés into a blender and hit puree. But you know what? It works. It’s classic Bond – preposterous but entertaining as hell. And I do mean preposterous as they literally jump a tank during a car chase, not the car jumping a tank as that is at least plausible, they jump the actual tank. Honestly, who comes up with this stuff? But I’ll admit, it kept my eyes open, even if my ears were ringing for a good hour afterward. They even had a fight on top of a train. Trains! Remember when those were a big deal? Now they’re just something that gets in your way when you’re trying to drive. The action sequences are more over-the-top than a Cirque du Soleil performance. The tank chase through St. Petersburg? The airplane dive? The antenna cradle finale? It’s all gloriously excessive, like watching a ballet choreographed by someone with an explosion fetish.
Sean Bean plays the villain, 006-turned-bad-guy Alec Trevelyan, and boy does he know how to die. The man practically has a PhD in on-screen deaths. He sneers and schemes his way through the movie like he’s auditioning for a Shakespeare villain. It’s delicious.
Famke Janssen steals every scene she’s in as Xenia Onatopp, a woman who literally crushes men between her thighs. In my day, we just called that marriage! She’s having so much fun being bad that you can’t help but root for her a little bit.
The new “M,” played by that Dame Judi Dench, she was alright. A woman in charge? Well, I never thought I’d see the day. She even called Bond a “sexist, misogynist dinosaur.” A bit harsh, if you ask me, but maybe there’s something to that.
Is “GoldenEye” perfect? Nah. Some of the CGI has aged worse than I have. But it’s a rollicking good time that revitalized a franchise many thought was past its prime – much like myself after my fourth cup of coffee.
So, if you want to see where modern Bond began before all those whippersnappers like Ethan Hunt started dangling from ceilings, give “GoldenEye” a watch. It’s a reminder of a time when heroes smoked, drank, and saved the world without needing a support group afterwards.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fix myself a martini – shaken, not stirred. Some traditions are worth preserving, dammit.
Rating: 4 out of 5 shaken martinis
About the Author (According to Some Folks, Especially After Watching GoldenEye)
Ben Dover is, by his own estimation, a seasoned observer of the human condition and a connoisseur of films that don’t involve too much darn singing and dancing, or leg-squeezing assassins with ridiculous names. Born sometime before they started putting seatbelts in cars, Ben has seen it all, from spies using fountain pens that shoot ink to these newfangled ones jumping off dams like they’re a bunch of darn mountain goats. He’s not afraid to speak his mind, even if his mind tends to dwell on things like how much better spy gadgets were “back in his day” (a good exploding pen beats a satellite that fries your telly any day) and why these young Bond fellas need to stop all the fancy acrobatics and just shoot the bad guys already. Some folks, especially after reading his take on GoldenEye, have unkindly compared his reviewing style to a grumpy badger who’s just had his Lawrence Welk marathon interrupted by a bunch of loud explosions, or that loudmouth kid from that cartoon who’s always complaining about everything. Others, even less charitably, say he reminds them of their Uncle Archie after he’s spent an afternoon yelling at the television about those long-haired rock and roll fellas. Ben just calls it telling it like it is, and if you don’t like it, well, he’s probably too busy wondering why that Judi Dench woman was so darn mouthy to notice.
Stars
- Pierce Brosnan as James Bond (007): The new guy. Seems capable enough, even if he looks like he could use a good, solid meal.
- Sean Bean as Alec Trevelyan (006): Bond’s old partner who went rogue. That Sean Bean, always playing the bad guy. You just know he’s not going to make it to the end of the movie.
- Izabella Scorupco as Natalya Simonova: A Russian programmer who gets caught up in all the spy business. Seems like a smart cookie, for a computer person.
- Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp: The villainous lady with the deadly thighs. Honestly, the name alone is enough to make me chuckle.
- Judi Dench as M: The new head of MI6. A woman in charge? What’s the world coming to? But she’s got a stern look about her, I’ll give her that.
- Robbie Coltrane as Valentin Zukovsky: A former KGB agent turned gangster. That fella seems familiar, like I’ve seen him in something with wizards.
- Alan Cumming as Boris Grishenko: A nerdy Russian hacker. Annoying little twerp, if you ask me.
Special Effects
The special effects were certainly… something. All those computer-generated explosions and fancy gadgets. It looked slick, I’ll give them that. But sometimes I miss the days when they just blew up a real car. Seemed more impactful. This CGI stuff, it’s all a bit too clean, too perfect. Like everything these kids do on their picture boxes.
Music
The music was loud and dramatic, full of electronic sounds. It fit the action, I suppose, but it didn’t have any of those memorable themes like the old Bond movies. Nothing you’d hum on the way out of the theater. Just a lot of noise to make the explosions sound bigger.
Synopsis and Plot Breakdown
The movie kicks off with James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) and his fellow 00 agent, Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean), infiltrating a Soviet chemical weapons facility. Trevelyan is seemingly killed during the mission. Nine years later, a powerful electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapon, codenamed “GoldenEye,” is stolen from a Russian military base by the Janus crime syndicate. This syndicate is led by none other than… wait for it… Alec Trevelyan, who faked his death! Turns out, he’s got a grudge against MI6 for betraying his Lienz Cossack parents after World War II. Talk about holding a grudge.
The newly appointed M (Judi Dench) assigns Bond to investigate the theft. His investigation leads him to St. Petersburg, where he encounters Valentin Zukovsky (Robbie Coltrane), a former KGB agent turned mobster, who reluctantly helps Bond. Bond also crosses paths with the deadly and, shall we say, physically affectionate assassin Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), who works for Trevelyan. Bond eventually teams up with Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco), a Russian computer programmer who was working at the Severnaya satellite control center when GoldenEye was stolen and is now a target for Janus.
Bond and Natalya travel to Cuba, where Trevelyan has established his secret headquarters hidden beneath a massive satellite dish. There, Trevelyan reveals his plan to use the second GoldenEye satellite to wipe out London’s financial district, causing a global economic meltdown. He intends to transfer billions of pounds before the attack, crippling Britain as revenge for the past. Bond and Natalya manage to infiltrate the base. After a tense confrontation and a lot of explosions, Bond sabotages the satellite dish. Trevelyan falls from the collapsing structure, seemingly to his death again. But wait! He’s not quite dead yet. He tries to pull Bond down with him, but Bond kicks him away, sending him plummeting to his actual, for real this time, death. Bond and Natalya escape just before the whole place blows up, and they are picked up by CIA agent Jack Wade (Joe Don Baker). They end up at Guantanamo Bay for some reason. The end.
Famous Quotes
- Alec Trevelyan: “For England, James?” James Bond: “No. For me.” (A bit melodramatic, if you ask me. But it’s got that spy movie flair.)
- M: “You’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War.” James Bond: “Well, times have changed.” M: “Not for you.” (Ouch. She really stuck it to him. Maybe she’s got a point.)
- Boris Grishenko: “I am invincible!” (Famous last words, wouldn’t you say? These young punks are always so cocky.)
- Xenia Onatopp: “The pleasure will be all mine.” (Said right before she tries to squeeze the life out of someone. This woman has issues.)
- James Bond: ” спутник разрушен. Прощай, Алек.” (Sputnik razrushen. Proshchay, Alek.) [Satellite destroyed. Farewell, Alec.] (Bond speaking Russian. Fancy. Though I doubt half the audience knows what he’s saying.)
Notes from the Movie
- This was the first James Bond film to star Pierce Brosnan as 007, after Timothy Dalton hung up his license to kill. They tried to get him way back when Roger Moore retired, but contract issues got in the way. Funny how things work out.
- “GoldenEye” was the first Bond film made after the fall of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War, which is why the villains are former Soviets with a grudge instead of the usual SPECTRE fellas. Times, they are a-changin’.
- Judi Dench made her debut as M in this film, becoming the first female to portray Bond’s boss. About time they shook things up a bit, even if it did ruffle some old feathers.
- The famous bungee jump scene at the beginning, off the Verzasca Dam in Switzerland, was done for real. That’s a heck of a way to start a movie, even if it made my stomach churn just watching it.
- The video game adaptation of “GoldenEye” for the Nintendo 64 was a huge hit and is considered one of the best video games of all time. My grandkids still play that darn thing. Go figure.
Photos
Trailer
Review Notes
Well this is straight action opening, like that
Hey Ethan Hunt copied Bond with the upside down BS
Pierce is one damn good looking Bond
Hey Sean Bean, you know hes gonna die
That chick sure is enjoying fucking guys to death
Why does the satellite thingy only destroy military aircraft with its EMP shoudlnt they have taken down an airliner or something
Governments Change, lies remain the same… great line
This thing is action packed, yet somehow I am a little bored, pacing was just different back then.
Joe Don Baker was fun, still Buford Pusser to me. (walking tall)