Based on the humorous writings of author Jean Shepherd, this beloved holiday movie follows the wintry exploits of youngster Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley), who spends most of his time dodging a bully (Zack Ward) and dreaming of his ideal Christmas gift, a “Red Ryder air rifle.” Frequently at odds with his cranky dad (Darren McGavin) but comforted by his doting mother (Melinda Dillon), Ralphie struggles to make it to Christmas Day with his glasses and his hopes intact.
You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid!
A Yuletide Throwback: Ben Dover Revisits the Holiday Classic
Greetings, you holiday heathens! It’s your resident film cynic, Ben Dover, back to spread some Christmas “cheer” (or at least, my own unique brand of grumbling) with a look at the supposed holiday classic, “A Christmas Story.” Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ben, you old Scrooge, how can you possibly have anything bad to say about this beloved festive film?” Well, buckle up, buttercup, because I’m about to unleash a tidal wave of bah humbug on this overrated Christmas carol.
Released in 1983, “A Christmas Story” takes us back to the 1940s, following the wintry escapades of young Ralphie Parker and his dysfunctional family. Ralphie’s sole Christmas wish is to receive an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, but he’s met with the same tired response from every adult: “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!” Now, I’m not saying I condone giving firearms to children, but come on, a little BB gun never hurt anyone… much. Anyway, join me as I dissect this holiday “classic” and expose it for the overrated, saccharine-sweet, nostalgia-fest that it is.
Review by Ben Dover
Alright, let’s get this over with. “A Christmas Story” is the cinematic equivalent of a fruitcake: overly sweet, full of unwanted nuts, and nobody actually likes it as much as they pretend to. The whole movie revolves around this kid’s obsession with a BB gun, which, let’s be honest, is pretty pathetic. I had a whole arsenal of toys by the time I was Ralphie’s age: a slingshot, a bow and arrow, even a homemade potato cannon. This kid’s out here begging for a glorified pea shooter? What a loser.
Peter Billingsley plays Ralphie Parker, a kid who wants a Red Ryder BB gun more than I want these neighborhood kids to stop throwing their bikes on my lawn. His performance is perfect because he actually acts like a real kid instead of one of those Disney Channel robots we get nowadays who all look like they’re auditioning for a tooth whitening commercial.
And don’t even get me started on the Old Man. He’s a grumpy, foul-mouthed oaf who spends most of his time battling the furnace and yelling at the Bumpus hounds. His vocabulary consists mostly of grunts and obscenities, and his idea of a good time is fiddling with that infernal leg lamp. I’m surprised the whole house didn’t burn down with that fire hazard in the window.
The thing that makes this movie so popular though, is that it gets all the little details right. The tongue stuck to the flagpole? Been there. Getting a crummy present from your aunt? Got the scars to prove it. That department store Santa who treats kids like they’re invading soldiers? Still having nightmares. The pink bunny pajamas? Okay, mine were actually footie pajamas with cowboys on them, but the trauma is the same.
The narration by Jean Shepherd (who wrote the story this is based on) is like having your slightly buzzed uncle tell you stories at Christmas dinner, but actually entertaining. His voice-over work should be taught in film schools, if they’re not too busy teaching kids how to make movies about their feelings with their phones. He’s got a dry wit and a knack for storytelling that almost makes this whole ordeal bearable. Almost. But even his charm can’t save this film from its own mediocrity. It’s a predictable, sentimental slog that relies on cheap nostalgia and over-the-top slapstick to elicit a few forced chuckles.
So, there you have it. “A Christmas Story” is a holiday humbug. If you’re looking for a truly festive film experience, stick to the classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “Miracle on 34th Street.” At least those movies don’t make me want to shove a candy cane where the sun don’t shine.
However, this is still the Christmas movie all other modern Christmas movies wish they could be. It’s like catching lightning in a bottle, if lightning was made of childhood memories and casual swearing. And unlike most holiday classics, it actually gets better with age, kind of like my attitude problem.
Special Effects: Minimal. Unless you count the Bumpus hounds’ drool as a special effect.
Music: Forgettable. Though the film’s theme song is somewhat catchy, in an annoyingly repetitive kind of way.
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars.
Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover once got his tongue stuck to a frozen pole in 1972 and still refuses to lick anything colder than room temperature. His wife says this explains a lot about their marriage.
Synopsis
“A Christmas Story” follows the misadventures of Ralphie Parker, a young boy growing up in the 1940s. Ralphie’s sole desire for Christmas is to receive a Red Ryder BB gun, but he’s met with resistance from his parents, teacher, and even Santa Claus, who all warn him, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”
Throughout the film, Ralphie navigates the trials and tribulations of childhood, including schoolyard bullies, a triple-dog dare to lick a frozen flagpole, and his father’s obsession with a gaudy leg lamp. In the end, Ralphie does receive his coveted BB gun, but his Christmas morning doesn’t go exactly as planned.
Plot Breakdown
- Ralphie becomes obsessed with a Red Ryder BB gun and embarks on a campaign to convince his parents to buy it for him.
- Ralphie encounters various obstacles in his quest for the BB gun, including his mother’s disapproval, his teacher’s admonishment, and Santa Claus’s dismissive “You’ll shoot your eye out!”
- The Old Man wins a “major award” – a leg lamp shaped like a woman’s leg – which he proudly displays in the front window.
- Ralphie and his friends face off against the neighborhood bullies, Scut Farkus and Grover Dill.
- Ralphie gets his tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole after accepting a triple-dog dare.
- On Christmas morning, Ralphie receives his Red Ryder BB gun (much to his mother’s dismay).
- Ralphie’s first shot with the BB gun ricochets and breaks his glasses, leading him to believe he’s shot his eye out.
- The film concludes with Ralphie drifting off to sleep on Christmas night, reflecting on the day’s events.
Famous Quotes
- “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”
- “Fra-gee-lay. It must be Italian!”
- “I triple-dog-dare ya!”
- “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”
- “Oh fudge!” (though Ralphie actually says a different word)
Starring:
- Peter Billingsley as Ralphie Parker: The BB gun-obsessed protagonist.
- Melinda Dillon as Mother Parker: The stereotypical doting mother.
- Darren McGavin as The Old Man: A grumpy, foul-mouthed curmudgeon.
Notes
- The film is based on the semi-autobiographical short stories of Jean Shepherd.
- The leg lamp was inspired by a Nehi Soda advertisement.
- The Bumpus hounds were played by a pair of bloodhounds named “Plaid” and “Duke.”
- The film was shot in Cleveland, Ohio, and Toronto, Ontario.
- “A Christmas Story” was not a box office success upon its initial release but has since become a beloved holiday classic.
Release date: November 18, 1983
Director: Bob Clark
Story by: Jean Shepherd
Distributed by: Warner Bros., Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
Adapted from: In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash
Box office: $19.2 million