Back to the Antarctic Abyss (and not in a good way)
Well, folks, they did it again. Just when you thought the Alien vs. Predator franchise couldn’t sink any lower, they unleashed AVPR: Requiem upon the world. This time, the extraterrestrial brawl takes place in the sleepy suburbs of Gunnison, Colorado, where the Predators and Aliens terrorize unsuspecting townsfolk. I guess even intergalactic hunters need a change of scenery every now and then.
But let me tell you, this movie is about as appealing as a week-old alien carcass. The plot is thinner than a Predator’s dreadlock, the characters are as bland as unseasoned alien flesh, and the action sequences are so dark and chaotic that you’ll need night vision goggles just to make out what’s happening. Honestly, I’ve seen more excitement in a geriatric ward.
Review by Ben Dover
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
1 out of 5 stars (and that’s being generous)
AVPR: Requiem is a 2007 sci-fi action horror film that serves as a sequel to AVP: Alien vs. Predator. Directed by the Brothers Strause, the film picks up where the previous film left off, with a Predalien (a hybrid of a Predator and an Alien) wreaking havoc in a small Colorado town.
Holy facehugger on a stick, folks! Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theater, Hollywood serves up this steaming pile of xenomorph dung. “AVPR: Requiem” is the sequel nobody asked for, to a movie nobody liked, proving once and for all that in space, no one can hear you scream “STOP MAKING THESE GODDAMN MOVIES!”
Where do I even begin with this cinematic abomination? The plot is an incoherent mess, the characters are so forgettable I couldn’t even be bothered to learn their names, and the action sequences are a blurry, incomprehensible jumble of CGI and shaky cam. It’s like the filmmakers took everything that was wrong with the first film and amplified it tenfold.
If “Alien vs. Predator” was a dumpster fire, “Requiem” is what happens when that dumpster fire spreads to a sewage treatment plant during a meteor shower. It’s a disaster of biblical proportions, only instead of plagues, we get plodding plotlines and instead of locusts, we get loathsome characters.
The acting is atrocious, even by B-movie standards. The cast is comprised of a bunch of no-name actors who seem to be competing for the “Most Bland Performance” award. The only recognizable face is Steven Pasquale, who plays the town sheriff. But even he can’t salvage this train wreck of a film.
The special effects are a step down from the previous film, with the Aliens and Predators looking less convincing than ever. The Predalien, in particular, is a laughable CGI creation that looks like it was designed by a committee of five-year-olds.
Half the time, I couldn’t tell if I was watching an epic battle between iconic movie monsters or a bunch of shadows playing patty-cake. It’s like the directors forgot to pay the electric bill and decided to shoot the whole thing by candlelight.
For those of you who watch just for the body count, let’s talk about the body count, shall we? This movie kills more innocent bystanders than a bull in a china shop riding a wrecking ball. We’ve got pregnant women, children, and even babies getting offed left and right. It’s like the writers sat down and said, “You know what this franchise needs? Infanticide!” Classy move, guys. Real classy.
That’s not the biggest problem though, You know what the real kicker is? This movie manages to make both the Aliens and the Predator boring. That’s right, folks. They took two of the most iconic movie monsters in history and turned them into glorified pest control problems.
Overall, it’s the kind of movie that makes you want to apologize to your TV for subjecting it to such garbage. If there’s any justice in this world, this film will be shot into space, where no one can ever see it again. AVPR: Requiem is a cinematic disaster of epic proportions. It’s a film so bad that it makes the first AVP look like a masterpiece. If you value your time and sanity, I implore you to avoid this film at all costs.
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars (and that’s being generous)
Synopsis and Plot Breakdown
Following the events of AVP: Alien vs. Predator, a Predalien crash-lands in the small town of Gunnison, Colorado. The creature begins to wreak havoc, killing and impregnating the townsfolk with Alien embryos. A lone Predator arrives on Earth to clean up the mess, and a group of humans find themselves caught in the crossfire between the two creatures.
Starring
- Steven Pasquale as Sheriff Morales
- Reiko Aylesworth as Kelly O’Brien
- John Ortiz as Dallas Howard
- Johnny Lewis as Ricky Howard
- Ariel Gade as Molly O’Brien
Special Effects
The special effects are a step down from the previous film, with the Aliens and Predators looking less convincing than ever. The Predalien is a particularly laughable CGI creation.
Music
The music is equally forgettable, with a generic score that does nothing to elevate the film’s abysmal quality.
Famous Quotes
(Honestly, I couldn’t remember a single line of dialogue from this forgettable film.)
Notes
- The film is a sequel to AVP: Alien vs. Predator.
- The film was directed by the Brothers Strause, who are known for their visual effects work.
- The film was released in 2007 and grossed over $128 million worldwide.
- The film is notorious for its dark and murky cinematography, which makes it difficult to see what’s happening on screen.
- The film is widely considered to be one of the worst films in both the Alien and Predator franchises.
Trailer