I usually only review movies, but now that I am doing all of the View Askewverse movies I had to include this lost… ahem gem. As if listening to two grown men complain about their retail woes in grainy black-and-white wasn’t enough, someone at ABC decided what the world really needed in the year 2000 was a Saturday morning version of the Quick Stop. Clerks: The Animated Series takes the foul-mouthed slackers we “know and love” and scrubs them clean enough for network television which is like trying to polish a piece of gravel. It’s a neon-colored fever dream that lasted about as long as a carton of milk left on the counter in July, but it’s developed the kind of cult following usually reserved for low-budget horror movies and tax-exempt religions.
The show reunites Dante and Randal in the fictionalized Leonardo, New Jersey, but instead of debating independent contractors on the Death Star, they’re fighting off billionaire supervillains and being trapped in “flashback” episodes that go nowhere. It’s a bizarre mix of sharp-witted dialogue and “Look Ma, I’m a cartoon!” slapstick. If you’re a fan of the original movie, it’s either a brilliant deconstruction of the sitcom format or a desperate cry for help from a director who realized he couldn’t just film people talking in a convenience store forever.
Review by Ben Dover
I thought I was done with these two. I really did. But apparently, if you’re a “creative” in Hollywood, you can just take your home movies, draw some big eyes on the characters, and call it a TV show. This animated mess is like watching a car crash in a crayon factory. It’s loud, it’s colorful, and it makes me miss the days when cartoons were about a coyote falling off a cliff in dignified silence.
The biggest problem here is the “villain,” Leonardo Leonardo. Back in my day, the villain was the guy who tried to buy a single cigarette or the boss who made you work on your day off. Now, we have a literal billionaire trying to take over the town. It’s ridiculous. And don’t even get me started on the “Why are we walking like this?” gag. I’ve seen more realistic movement from a drunk uncle at a wedding.
However, and it pains me to say this, the writing is actually… well, it’s clever at times. It’s the kind of “smart-stupid” that I usually hate, but I found myself smirking at the constant jabs at the television industry. They spent an entire episode spoofing Outbreak with a killer monkey, and another one that was basically just a clip show of the previous five minutes. It’s the most cynical thing I’ve seen on TV since the evening news, and for that, I have a grudging respect.
The voice acting is fine, I guess. It’s the original cast, so at least they didn’t hire some “professional” to ruin the monotone delivery that made Dante so annoying in the first place. But seeing Jay and Silent Bob as cartoon characters is just… wrong. It’s like seeing your high school English teacher at a strip club; you know it’s them, but you really wish you weren’t looking at it.
Stars (Voice Cast)
- Brian O’Halloran as Dante: Still miserable, now in 2D.
- Jeff Anderson as Randal: Still a jerk, now capable of surviving 50-foot drops.
- Jason Mewes & Kevin Smith as Jay and Silent Bob: Mostly here to provide the “wacky” interludes.
- Alec Baldwin as Leonardo Leonardo: Because apparently, even an Oscar-nominated actor needs to pay his mortgage.
Special Effects & Music
Special Effects: It’s 2000s-era animation. It’s bright enough to cause a migraine and moves with the fluidity of a flipbook made by a caffeinated toddler.
Music: The theme song is by James L. Venable, and it’s a catchy little earworm that I’ll be humming while I stare blankly at the wall tonight. It’s better than the grunge noise from the movie, I’ll give it that.
Rating
2.5 out of 5 Stars (It loses points for being on ABC, which censored all the good jokes, but gains points for making fun of the fact that it was on ABC.)
Complete Synopsis & Plot Breakdown
The series follows the misadventures of Dante Hicks and Randal Graves at the Quick Stop and RST Video. However, unlike the grounded reality of the film, the show is completely surreal. The main antagonist is Leonardo Leonardo, a billionaire who opens a “Quicker Stop” across the street to drive Dante out of business.
Over the course of its six produced episodes (only two of which aired on ABC before they pulled the plug), the boys deal with a variety of nonsense:
- They get trapped in the video store and spend the entire time having “flashbacks” to things that happened earlier in the same episode.
- A “killer” monkey escapes and causes a town-wide quarantine.
- Randal sues Dante for millions of dollars, leading to a court case presided over by Judge Judge Reinhold (yes, the actor).
- They accidentally become the coaches of a little league team funded by a corrupt corporation.
The show ends with an episode that spoofs The Twilight Zone and The Last Starfighter, proving that Kevin Smith was clearly just writing whatever he thought was funny while eating a bag of chips.
5 Famous Quotes
- “Why are we walking like this?”
- “Bear is driving? How can that be?!”
- “Well, what are we gonna do now? We’re trapped in this freezer… and we’re starting to remember things!”
- “Is it safe?” (Repeated ad nauseam in the Marathon Man parody).
- “You’re a cigarette-smoking, godless, heathen, caffeine-addict!”
5 Interesting Facts
- The ABC Disaster: ABC aired the episodes out of order, starting with Episode 4 and then Episode 2, before canceling it entirely. They basically treated the show like a bothersome fly.
- Hidden Cameos: Nearly every background character is a caricature of someone from the View Askew crew or a famous movie star.
- The “Marathon Man” Gag: One episode features a parody of the movie Marathon Man that goes on for so long it becomes physically uncomfortable to watch. That’s “comedy” for you.
- The Lost Episodes: Four episodes never aired on network TV and were only seen when the DVD was released.
- No Profanity: Because it was on network TV, the show couldn’t use any of the “colorful” language from the movie, so they had to get creative with their insults.
Trailer
Episodes
Episode 1: “Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make”
Billionaire Leonardo Leonardo returns to Leonardo, New Jersey and opens the Quicker Stop right across from the Quick Stop, which takes away all of Dante and Randal’s customers, and nearly puts the Quick Stop out of business. The duo set out to stop Leonardo by uncovering his plot to enslave all of humanity, but are scoffed at during an appearance at Town Hall. Jay and Silent Bob, who had been selling illegal fireworks to children, inadvertently blow up the Quicker Stop, thwarting Leonardo’s plans.
Episode 2: “The Clip Show Wherein Dante and Randal are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives”
Dante and Randal get locked in the freezer of the Quick Stop. There, they look back on their lives, primarily in clips from the same and previous episode, including foiling Leonardo’s evil plans, working at convenience stores in the United Kingdom and India, how Randal got them kicked off The Real World, and their first meeting as children. Jay and Silent Bob also manage to get themselves locked in; Silent Bob eventually uses a crowbar to get them all out, only for Dante and Randal to become locked in the video store. In a parody of Stand by Me, an elderly Jay narrates what became of his friends following the events of the episode.
Episode 3: “Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal’s Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn’t Work in the New Pet Store”
Quick Stop is put under government control after Leonardo is said to have been infected with a deadly virus by a monkey at the new pet store next to RST Video (at which they find Patrick Swayze working). Unfortunately, Jay and Silent Bob steal the monkey so they can teach it to smoke. The town of Leonardo is to be destroyed unless Dante and Randal manage to stop the helicopter pilot from dropping a bomb. After Randal tells the pilot that Dante is gay, Dante is forced to state that he is gay on live television to save the town.
Guest star: James Woods
Episode 4: “A Dissertation on the American Justice System by People Who Have Never Been Inside a Courtroom, Let Alone Know Anything About the Law, but Have Seen Way Too Many Legal Thrillers”
Randal is left in charge of the Quick Stop as part of a bet between him and Dante. Jay sues the Quick Stop for $10,000,000 after slipping on Randal’s spilled soda and being refused a pack of cigarettes as compensation. Randal is Dante’s lawyer for the case, while Judge Reinhold presides, and several NBA all-stars are members of the jury. Randal ends up doing more harm than good, putting Dante at the mercy of the courtroom. Before the verdict of the case can be announced, a disclaimer informs the audience that the script for the remainder of the episode was lost and that a new ending was written by the Korean animators. The episode ends with a series of animated non sequiturs with Engrish dialogue.
Guest star: Michael Buffer
Episode 5: “Dante and Randal and Jay and Silent Bob and a Bunch of New Characters and Lando, Take Part in a Whole Bunch of Movie Parodies Including But Not Exclusive to, The Bad News Bears, The Last Starfighter, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Plus a High School Reunion”
Dante and Randal attend their high school reunion, where Randal discovers he has the ability to turn women into lesbians, and Dante is accosted by his old baseball team because they don’t remember him (although Dante was the coach that won them the championship game). Leonardo decides to let Dante manage his Little League team. The team is on a losing streak until the inclusion of Jay and Silent Bob (as Jay is still in the fourth grade for being held back so many times and is technically eligible to play). Meanwhile, Randal is put into slave labor after beating the high score on an old video game. Dante and the baseball team discover Randal while searching for the baseball team they have been scheduled to play (which turn out to be some of the children enslaved to work in the mines).
Episode 6: “The Last Episode Ever”
Dante and Randal work inside the Quick Stop discussing various things after being told that they need to make the show more similar to the original Clerks. Meanwhile, outside, Dante’s supposed to have a date with Caitlin Bree, Jay and Silent Bob go to a fair where havoc ensues, Walt and Steve-Dave need stuff, Leonardo Leonardo finds a soccer team on his roof, and Dante keeps getting called by a guy who wants to show him “the truth about The Matrix”. Eventually, due to a phone call unknowingly made to the President, the Army surrounds the Quick Stop, the President is attacked by hookers and vampires who are enraged to find RST closed, and Dante and Randal finally go outside, where the animators put them in various awkward situations until it is revealed that Jay is the one behind it all.
Guest Voices in the animated series
For a show that only aired two episodes on network TV, they managed to trick an impressive amount of talent into the recording booth. Here is the list of guest voices that graced the View Askewniverse in animated form. Honestly, I don’t know how they got some of these people to say these lines without a hostage negotiator present.
The Heavy Hitters
- Alec Baldwin: The man voiced the series’ main antagonist, the billionaire Leonardo Leonardo. He’s the only one who actually showed up for all six episodes, probably because he realized playing a villainous tycoon wasn’t much of a stretch.
- Charles Barkley: “Sir Charles” himself appeared in almost every episode, usually in a “safety tip” segment at the end where Jay would inevitably insult him. He’s basically an unofficial cast member at this point.
- Gilbert Gottfried: In one of the most bizarre casting choices ever, he voiced Jerry Seinfeld and Patrick Swayze. Having Swayze’s character speak with Gottfried’s voice is the kind of nightmare fuel that keeps me up at night.
The “Why Are They Here?” Celebrity Cameos
- Gwyneth Paltrow: She appears as herself in the second episode, trying to rent a movie at the video store before Randal kicks her out. Even Oscar winners aren’t safe from Randal’s customer service.
- James Woods: He played Major Baklava in the episode where a monkey supposedly starts a viral outbreak.
- Judge Reinhold: He played—wait for it—The Honorable Judge Reinhold in the courtroom episode. It’s a joke so meta it actually hurt my brain.
- Michael Buffer: The “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” guy showed up to announce… well, a courtroom battle. At least he’s consistent.
Sports & Media Personalities
Since Kevin Smith clearly watched too much ESPN in the late 90s, the courtroom episode was packed with sports stars acting as the “Dream Team” jury:
- Grant Hill
- Reggie Miller
- Kenny Mayne (ESPN Anchor)
- Dan Patrick (ESPN Anchor)
The Comedy & Voice Acting Pros
- Bryan Cranston: Long before he was cooking meth in the desert, he voiced various characters, including a helicopter pilot.
- Michael McKean: The Spinal Tap legend voiced Professor Ram and “The Creepy Old Guy.”
- Kevin McDonald & Mark McKinney: Two members of The Kids in the Hall showed up as “Pinheads” in the final episode.
- Al Franken: Before he was a Senator, he voiced various roles, including a reporter.
- Tara Strong: One of the greatest voice actresses of all time, she played the “Giggling Girl” who grills Dante in court.
Get the Whole Cartoon Mess
If you want to see what all the fuss is about, it is available in its entirety on archive.org
This has all six episodes, including the ones ABC was too chicken to air. It’s the only way to see the “full vision” of this animated insanity unless you want to find an old DVD somewhere.