The Two Towers serves as the crucial middle chapter of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, effectively bridging the introductory Fellowship of the Ring and the concluding Return of the King. Both the theatrical and extended versions are praised for their grand scale, intense action sequences, and deepened character arcs. The film meticulously interweaves three main storylines: Frodo and Sam’s perilous journey with Gollum to Mordor, Merry and Pippin’s encounter with the Ents and their subsequent attack on Isengard, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli’s efforts to aid Rohan in the Battle of Helm’s Deep alongside the resurrected Gandalf. The extended edition further enhances these narratives by providing more background to characters like Faramir and Aragorn, enriching the motivations and emotional weight of their decisions. The Battle of Helm’s Deep, in particular, is consistently highlighted as a cinematic achievement for its breathtaking visuals and intense choreography.

Preview

In a world where computer-generated goblins are a dime a dozen and an elf’s pointy ears are apparently the height of cinematic fashion, Peter Jackson’s fantasy-fest returns with The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Following the first movie, which I’m told was a big deal with the kids and their “internet memes,” this installment promises more of the same, but with bigger battles and even more walking. If you thought three hours of hobbits complaining about their feet was a long time, just wait until you see what happens when the fellowship gets split up. It’s an entire movie of people going “Where’s Frodo?” while a scrawny, Gollum-looking thing follows them around.

This cinematic epic, based on some old book my grandkids keep telling me about, picks up with our heroes scattered across what looks like the New Zealand countryside, only with more orcs. One group of the fellows is tracking a couple of captured hobbits, while Frodo and his chubby sidekick Sam are wandering with their new pet, a schizoid former-hobbit named Gollum. Prepare yourself for more scenes of people staring off into the distance, talking about things that happened in the last movie, and getting all teary-eyed about friendship. It’s a real rollercoaster of emotion, provided your idea of a rollercoaster is a scenic tour bus that occasionally gets attacked by digital monsters.

Review by Ben Dover

Alright, let’s get into this mess. The Two Towers is, I suppose, the best of the trilogy. It’s got a bit more action, a bit more grunting, and a lot less of that ridiculous singing and dancing that made the first one feel like a kindergarten play. The pacing is still a problem, though. The whole movie is just a series of long walks punctuated by a few moments of actual excitement. It’s like watching a travel documentary sponsored by a hiking boot company, with a brief, bloody squabble thrown in to wake up the audience.

The movie is all over the place. You’ve got Aragorn and his pals running through the mud, a couple of hobbits getting drunk with a tree, and then Frodo and Sam arguing with their weird new friend about whether to “boil ’em, mash ’em, or stick ’em in a stew.” What’s a potato stew, anyway? Sounds like something my wife would make on a bad day. The whole “Gollum” character is supposed to be tragic, I guess, but he just comes off as an annoying meth addict who needs to be smacked with a frying pan. You’re trying to save the world from ultimate evil, and you’re bickering with a slimy hobbit over food? Get a move on!

Now, the battle at Helm’s Deep. This is the one part where I didn’t want to get up and get a refill of my seltzer. The special effects guys really went hog-wild, creating what must be an army of a million orcs and whatever the heck those other monsters are. It’s a real clash of steel and rubber, or at least it looks that way. The Elves showing up unannounced to help out was a nice surprise, though it felt a bit like the cavalry from a John Wayne movie. Still, it made for a good fight. It was a proper, old-fashioned bloodbath, and I respect that. It’s a shame the rest of the movie couldn’t have been more like it.

In the end, this movie is a big, bloated affair. It’s a lot of running and talking and then one big fight at the end. It’s a good film, I’ll give it that. But is it a great film? I don’t know. The hobbits are still a little too precious for my liking. I’m 60 years old, and I don’t need to see grown men crying over a magical ring. It’s all just a bit much. The kids today, they get so invested in this stuff. They’d probably start a whole internet cult over it. “The Cult of the Precious.” Makes me want to go back to watching Westerns.

Starring

• Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins: The little hobbit who still can’t get rid of that cursed ring. He spends most of the movie looking weary and haggard.
• Sean Astin as Samwise Gamgee: The loyal sidekick who’s got more common sense than all the elves and men combined. He’s the real hero, but nobody wants to admit it.
• Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn: The handsome king-in-waiting who spends the whole movie looking like he needs a good shower.
• Ian McKellen as Gandalf the White: He’s back from the dead, which is just convenient, isn’t it? He’s all powerful now, and his robes are so white they probably blind the orcs.
• Andy Serkis as Gollum/Sméagol: The most famous digital character since that lamp from the Pixar shorts. He’s creepy, he’s skinny, and his voice makes me want to put a sock in his mouth.
• Bernard Hill as King Théoden: The old king of Rohan, who gets a makeover from Gandalf and suddenly becomes a military genius.
• John Rhys-Davies as Gimli the Dwarf and the voice of Treebeard: The one-man special effects crew. One of his characters is a grumpy dwarf who can’t see over a wall, and the other is a tree that talks slower than my wife.
• Orlando Bloom as Legolas the Elf: The pretty-boy elf who does cool acrobatics and makes a mockery of all the laws of physics.

Special Effects

The effects are the real star of the show. Gollum is a technological marvel, I’ll give them that. They even used some of that “motion capture” wizardry to get him to look all twitchy and disturbing. The battle scenes, particularly at Helm’s Deep, are just insane. They created entire armies of CGI monsters that look real enough to make you nervous. The “bigatures” of the various castles and landscapes are pretty impressive too. It’s all well and good, but it makes me wonder what the point of actual actors is anymore. You could probably just have a bunch of nerds in a basement typing on keyboards and get the same result.

Music

Howard Shore’s score is, I guess, a decent job. It’s got a bunch of themes and motifs and all that classical stuff. It’s loud and dramatic when it needs to be, and quiet and somber when they’re all moping around. The songs sung by the Elves are probably nice, but I don’t care much for that stuff. I prefer a good march or something with a bit of rhythm. There’s a song by some woman with an ethereal voice at the end. It’s called “Gollum’s Song,” which is a terrible name for a piece of music, but what do I know about what the kids like these days?

Rating

4.5 out of 5 My Precious Stars – Other than some slight pacing issues a perfect movie. (I don’t have to like it to know that its a great movie.)

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is the second film in the trilogy, and it picks up right where the last one left off. The Fellowship is broken into three groups.

Group One: Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are on the trail of the captured hobbits, Merry and Pippin. They cross the plains of Rohan and encounter the Rohirrim, a race of horse-riders, who inform them that the orcs they were tracking have been slaughtered. The trio continues their search and stumbles upon Gandalf, who has returned from his fall as Gandalf the White. He’s now all powerful and has a brand new wardrobe. The four travel to Edoras, the capital of Rohan, where they find the king, Théoden, under the corrupting influence of his advisor, Gríma Wormtongue. Gandalf frees the king from the spell, and Théoden prepares his people to defend against the encroaching forces of Saruman.

Group Two: Merry and Pippin, having escaped from the orcs, wander into the ancient Fangorn Forest. They meet Treebeard, a giant, slow-speaking tree-like creature known as an Ent. They convince the Ents to join the war against Saruman and lead the Ents in a march on the fortress of Isengard.

Group Three: Frodo and Sam continue their long and arduous journey to Mordor to destroy the One Ring. They are followed by Gollum, the Ring’s former owner, who they eventually capture. Frodo, in a moment of pity, agrees to let Gollum guide them to Mordor. Gollum leads them through the treacherous Dead Marshes and eventually to the Black Gate, which they find is heavily guarded. Gollum tells them of a secret back entrance. Their journey leads them to Ithilien, where they are captured by Faramir, the brother of the late Boromir. Faramir learns of the Ring and is tempted by its power, but unlike his brother, he resists and allows the hobbits to continue their quest.

The movie climaxes with the epic Battle of Helm’s Deep, where the people of Rohan, aided by Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and a surprise army of Elves, defend against Saruman’s overwhelming Uruk-hai army. They are nearly defeated until Gandalf arrives at dawn with the Rohirrim army. The Uruk-hai are defeated, and the Ents arrive at Isengard to flood Saruman’s fortress, bringing his reign of terror to an end. The battle for Middle-earth has just begun, and the fate of the world rests on the shoulders of two little hobbits and their disgusting guide.

Famous Quotes

1. “Po-ta-toes! Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew.” – Samwise Gamgee
2. “So it begins.” – Théoden
3. “A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.” – Legolas
4. “There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.” – Samwise Gamgee
5. “A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.” – Gandalf (This quote is a bit of a cheat; it’s from the first film, but I hear it’s a favorite with the kids.)

Notes

1. The battle of Helm’s Deep was shot over four months, mostly at night, with a rain machine constantly drenching the cast. Must’ve been a real treat for the crew.
2. Brad Dourif, who plays Gríma Wormtongue, could cry on cue. His tear in the scene where Saruman’s army is revealed was his own doing and not in the script. The man has a gift for being a creep.
3. Andy Serkis based Gollum’s cravings and withdrawal symptoms on the behavior of heroin addicts. This is the kind of method acting I can get behind.
4. Peter Jackson himself has a cameo in the Battle of Helm’s Deep, throwing a spear at an orc. He also had his kids cameo as refugees. That’s what you get for being the boss.
5. The sound of the Uruk-hai army was created by recording 25,000 New Zealand rugby fans chanting “Grond!” which is the name of a battering ram in the book. A bunch of burly men screaming is pretty intimidating, I’ll give them that.

Photos

Trailer

Review Notes

Deviations from the book

Peter Jackson’s The Two Towers made several notable deviations from J.R.R. Tolkien’s original novel. One significant change was making Faramir an obstacle for Frodo and Sam, initially wanting to take the Ring to Gondor to prove his worth to his father, Denethor. In the book, Faramir quickly recognized the Ring’s danger and allowed them to pass. This alteration was made to maintain the Ring’s menacing power and create more tension. Another major change, which was initially planned for the film, involved Arwen accompanying an army of Elves to Helm’s Deep; while the script was later changed, the Elven warriors fighting at Helm’s Deep remained in the final cut. Additionally, the film’s title refers to Orthanc and Barad-dûr, symbolizing an evil alliance, whereas Tolkien himself identified them as Minas Morgul and Orthanc. While some “Tolkienites” expressed disappointment over these changes, many critics and fans found them acceptable for a visual adaptation, with the modifications enhancing the dramatic impact and pacing for the screen.

The Lord of the Rings Extended Editions, including The Two Towers, were released approximately one year after their respective theatrical cuts, primarily for fans who desired to see all the footage excised from the final theatrical versions. Director Peter Jackson, however, has stated his preference for the theatrical versions.

• Release and Availability:
  • The theatrical version of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers premiered on December 5, 2002, at the Ziegfeld Theatre in New York City, and was released in the United States on December 18, 2002.
  • The extended edition was released on VHS and DVD on November 18, 2003, and later on Blu-ray in June 2011 and Ultra HD Blu-ray on December 1, 2020, in the United States.
  • Both the theatrical and extended editions of The Lord of the Rings trilogy are accessible for streaming on Max.
• Runtime:
  • The theatrical version of The Two Towers has a runtime of 2 hours and 59 minutes (179 minutes).
  • The extended edition significantly increases this by 44 minutes of additional footage, bringing its runtime to 223 minutes. With fan-club credits, the runtime expands to 235 minutes.
• Content and Reception:
  • The extended edition of The Two Towers provides extra dialogue, previously unseen conversations, and entirely new scenes. It includes scenes like Frodo and Sam’s descent down a mountain, the Massacre at the Fords of Isen, Treebeard singing for Pippin and Merry, Gandalf informing Aragorn that Sauron fears him as the heir to the throne of Men, Pippin drinking Ent nourishment and growing taller, and Theoden leading his son Théodred’s funeral. Other additions include Aragorn calming Théodred’s horse, Wormtongue telling Saruman about the Ring of Barahir, Eowyn realizing Aragorn’s lineage, Faramir’s flashback to Boromir retaking Osgiliath, the Ents arriving at Helm’s Deep, Gimli and Legolas comparing body counts, Pippin and Merry finding supplies in Isengard ruins, and Faramir leading Frodo, Sam, and Gollum out of Osgiliath.
  • For many Lord of the Rings fans, the extended editions have become the preferred way to revisit the movie, as they add layers that make the theatrical cuts “feel naked in comparison”. The overwhelming consensus is that these additions enhance the films, often providing a deeper understanding of characters.
• Overall Narrative:
  • The film, directed by Peter Jackson, intercuts three main storylines: Frodo and Sam’s journey towards Mordor with Gollum, Merry and Pippin’s escape and encounter with Treebeard, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli’s efforts with the resurrected Gandalf to aid Rohan against Saruman’s army at the Battle of Helm’s Deep.
  • The film is widely recognized as a landmark in filmmaking and fantasy cinema, receiving praise for its direction, action sequences (particularly the Battle of Helm’s Deep), performances (especially Andy Serkis as Gollum), musical score by Howard Shore, and visual effects. New Zealand’s landscapes served as the primary filming location for Middle-earth.

The extended edition of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers significantly enhances the film by adding 44 minutes of footage to its runtime. This additional content increases the movie’s length from the theatrical version’s 2 hours and 59 minutes (179 minutes) to 223 minutes. With fan-club credits, the extended edition’s runtime reaches 235 minutes.

This 44 minutes of added footage is a key characteristic of The Two Towers Extended Edition, offering a deeper and more thorough viewing experience for fans. The additions include extra dialogue, previously unseen conversations, and entirely new scenes.

Specific scenes added in the extended edition, contributing to these 44 minutes, include:

• Frodo and Sam’s descent down a mountain using Elven rope (2:01 duration).
• The Massacre at the Fords of Isen, where Eomer and his riders discover the battlefield where Théodred has fallen (1:09 duration).
• Treebeard singing “The Song of the Entwives” for Pippin and Merry (1:41 duration).
• Gandalf telling Aragorn about Sauron fearing him as the heir to the throne of Men, titled “The Heir of Númenor” (2:09 duration).
• Pippin drinking Ent nourishment and growing taller, called “Ent Draft” (3:05 duration).
• The funeral of Théodred, where Théoden mourns his son and Éowyn sings a tribute (1:23 duration).
• Aragorn calming Théodred’s horse, Brego, by speaking Elvish (1:42 duration).
• Wormtongue informing Saruman about the Ring of Barahir and a man wearing the ring of the Heir of Isildur (1:31 duration).
• Éowyn realizing Aragorn’s lineage as they travel to Helm’s Deep, during a scene where she makes stew for him, titled “One of the Dúnedain” (3:06 duration).
• Faramir’s flashback to Boromir retaking Osgiliath and their father sending him to Rivendell, titled “Sons of the Steward” (4:41 duration). This scene also reveals that their father, Denethor, preferred Boromir.
• The Ents arriving at Helm’s Deep to finish off the Orcs fleeing the battle, titled “Fangorn comes to Helm’s Deep” (0:54 duration).
• Gimli and Legolas comparing their body counts during the battle, in “The Final Tally” (0:41 duration).
• Pippin and Merry finding a supply of food and pipeweed in the ruins of Isengard, described as “Flotsam and Jetsam” (2:02 duration).
• Faramir leading Frodo, Sam, and Gollum out of Osgiliath, in “Farewell to Faramir” (2:28 duration).

These added scenes contribute to a more comprehensive narrative, providing greater depth of understanding for the characters. For instance, the flashback scene involving Faramir and Boromir provides insight into their relationship and their father’s preference, something not fully addressed in the theatrical cut. The funeral for King Théoden’s son, Théodred, is also included, which was only briefly alluded to in the theatrical release.

While Peter Jackson, the director, stated his preference for the theatrical versions, viewing these extra moments is considered a “fun way to revisit the trilogy” for fans who want to see everything originally excised. Many Lord of the Rings fans consider the extended editions, including The Two Towers, to be the preferred way to experience the films, as they make the theatrical cuts “feel naked in comparison” due to the added layers. Some critics even suggest that the extended version of The Two Towers “actually feels shorter than the theatrical release — possibly because it tells a more thorough story”.

I personally feel that this is a good way to rewatch them, however for a first viewing I think the theatrical version is the best way to go.

There is however, a notable debate among fans and critics regarding whether the Extended Editions of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, particularly The Two Towers, are “better” than their theatrical counterparts.

Director Peter Jackson, who helmed all three films, has stated his preference for the theatrical versions, explaining that the Extended Editions were primarily for the benefit of fans who desired to see all the footage excised from the final theatrical cuts. However, for many Lord of the Rings fans, the extended editions have become the preferred way to revisit the movies, offering a “more complete yet daunting watching experience”.

Arguments for the Extended Editions being the “better” version often highlight:

• Enhanced Story and Character Depth: The 44 minutes of additional footage in The Two Towers Extended Edition provides extra dialogue, unseen conversations, and entirely new scenes. This is widely seen as adding new layers that make the theatrical cuts “feel naked in comparison”. The additional content provides a “more thorough story” and “more depth of understanding of the characters”. For instance, Faramir’s motivations and his complex relationship with Boromir and their father, Denethor, are fleshed out through a flashback scene. Aragorn’s lineage and true age are also more directly addressed, adding poignancy to his character’s journey.
• Filling Narrative Gaps: The extended cuts are praised for including scenes that address previously “unanswered questions” and offer “story explanation and exposition”. A significant example is the inclusion of Saruman’s death scene at Isengard, which concludes his storyline that was left open in the theatrical cut of The Two Towers. Similarly, the appearance of the Mouth of Sauron in Return of the King (not in The Two Towers, but mentioned in the context of extended editions) is another highly valued addition.
• Pacing and Immersion: Surprisingly, one critic noted that the extended version of The Two Towers “actually feels shorter than the theatrical release — possibly because it tells a more thorough story”. This suggests that the added content, by providing a richer narrative, can make the viewing experience feel more cohesive rather than drawn out.
• Closer to the Books: For many who have read J.R.R. Tolkien’s original text, the extended editions are appreciated for including material that was “left out of the theatrical versions,” thereby providing a cinematic experience closer to the “scope and majesty of Tolkien’s original text”.
• Overall Positive Consensus: The “overwhelming consensus of fans” is that these additions genuinely enhance the films, even “something as simple as Samwise Gamgee adding a verse about Gandalf’s fireworks to a song shows his appreciation for the wizard but also reminds the audience that Hobbits have an appreciation for fun and things of beauty”.

However, arguments favoring the theatrical versions (or noting drawbacks of the extended editions) include:

• Director’s Intent: As mentioned, Peter Jackson’s preference for the theatrical cuts implies they represent his most polished and streamlined vision for storytelling.
• Pacing Issues: Not all extended scenes are universally acclaimed; some are considered to “slow down the pacing” or “drag out the time”. An example cited is an extended sequence with the Army of the Dead in The Return of the King, which, while offering humorous moments for Gimli, was felt to interrupt the movie’s flow.
• Initial Viewing Experience: For those watching the trilogy for the very first time, the original theatrical versions are suggested to be “a cleaner and more effective way of telling the story” due to their tighter pacing.
• Impact of Reveals: Some additions, while providing context, might “dampen the impact” of future events or character introductions. For instance, the flashback showing Denethor’s poor leadership for Boromir and Faramir in The Two Towers extended edition could potentially lessen the impact of Denethor’s introduction as a poor ruler in Return of the King. Jackson himself cut the Mouth of Sauron scene from the theatrical release because he felt it “lacked effect”.

Ultimately, while there’s a “give and take” with the additional content, the overall sentiment, particularly among dedicated fans, leans towards the extended editions providing a richer, more comprehensive, and deeply satisfying viewing experience. The enduring appeal of the extended editions is attributed not just to their length or setting, but to the “level of craft put into each and every scene”.

Detailed Timeline of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (Film)

This timeline focuses on the events as depicted in Peter Jackson’s extended and theatrical versions of The Two Towers, with an emphasis on key plot points and character developments.

Pre-Film Events (Flashbacks and Context)

• A long time ago: Sméagol, a hobbit-like creature, acquires the One Ring and becomes the wretched Gollum, possessing it for 500 years.
• Prior to Fellowship of the Ring:Faramir has a flashback to Boromir retaking Osgiliath. (Extended Edition)
• Denethor expresses a clear preference for Boromir over Faramir and urges Boromir to seek the Ring for Gondor. (Extended Edition)
• Aragorn visits his mother’s gravestone in Rivendell, where Elrond tries to convince him to become the new King of Gondor, foreshadowing Aragorn’s eventual acceptance of his birthright. (Extended Edition – Fellowship of the Ring)
• Arwen reluctantly departs Rivendell for Valinor, convinced by Elrond that she will outlive Aragorn by thousands of years if she remains in Middle-earth. (Theatrical & Extended, though the scene of Arwen leaving for the West was created during shooting as a script change.)
• End of Fellowship of the Ring: Gandalf battles the Balrog in Moria, falls, and is presumed dead.

Main Events of The Two Towers

Part 1: The Divided Fellowship and the Rise of Rohan

• Frodo and Sam’s Journey with Gollum:
• Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee are lost in the Emyn Muil near Mordor, carrying the increasingly heavy One Ring.
• They discover they are being tracked by Gollum, capture him, and Frodo takes pity, allowing Gollum to guide them to Mordor. Sam remains distrustful.
• Gollum reveals a split personality, with the childlike Sméagol and the manipulative Gollum constantly at war over the “precious.” This internal struggle is highlighted when Gollum guides them through dead marshes.
• Gollum suggests an alternate, secret route into Mordor other than the Black Gate.
• Merry and Pippin’s Escape and Encounter with the Ents:
• Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took are captured by Uruk-hai. Merry appears ill, and Pippin begs their captors for water, only to be offered alcohol and mocked. (Extended Edition)
• The Uruk-hai, on their way to Isengard, are ambushed by a group of Rohirrim, allowing Merry and Pippin to escape into Fangorn Forest.
• Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli Pursue the Hobbits and Meet Gandalf the White:
• Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli pursue the Uruk-hai across Rohan for three days and nights without food or rest.
• Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli encounter Éomer and his Rohirrim riders, who explain they have been exiled by King Théoden and claim to have left none of the Uruk-hai alive, leading the trio to believe Merry and Pippin are dead. Éomer provides them with horses.
• The trio enters Fangorn Forest, believing the Hobbits went in there.
• In Fangorn, they encounter Gandalf, who has been resurrected as Gandalf the White, more powerful than before, to help save Middle-earth. Gandalf explains he was only part of the first movie as Gandalf the Grey, a deliberate misdirection for viewers.
• Gandalf Heals Théoden and Rohan Prepares for War:
• Gandalf leads Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli to Rohan’s capital, Edoras.
• Gandalf frees King Théoden from Saruman’s control, which was exerted through his servant, Gríma Wormtongue.
• Aragorn prevents Théoden from executing Wormtongue, who flees to Saruman in Isengard.
• Théoden’s son, Théodred, is given a proper funeral. (Extended Edition)
• Saruman’s knowledge of Rohan and his growing army intensifies. He has been burning the forest of Fangorn and encouraging villagers to attack Rohan. (Extended Edition)
• Théoden decides to evacuate the citizens of Edoras to Helm’s Deep, a fortress.
• Gandalf departs to seek Éomer and his followers to support their king in the coming battle.
• Aragorn connects with Théoden’s niece, Éowyn, who develops an infatuation with him.
• Saruman’s Warg-riding Orcs attack the refugees en route to Helm’s Deep; Aragorn falls over a cliff and is presumed dead.
• Aragorn is found by his horse, Brego, and rides to Helm’s Deep, witnessing Saruman’s massive Uruk-hai army approaching the fortress.

Part 2: The Battle of Helm’s Deep and Faramir’s Dilemma

• The Ents Awaken and Attack Isengard:
• Merry and Pippin meet Treebeard, the leader of the Ents, in Fangorn Forest.
• They convince Treebeard that they are allies and are brought to an Ent council.
• The Ents initially decide not to participate in the war.
• Pippin asks Treebeard to take them towards Isengard, where they witness the extensive deforestation caused by Saruman’s war efforts.
• Enraged by the destruction of their friends, Treebeard and the Ents storm Isengard, destroying Saruman’s dam and trapping him in Orthanc Tower.
• Merry and Pippin find a supply of food and pipeweed in the ruins of Isengard. (Extended Edition)
• The Battle of Helm’s Deep:
• Aragorn arrives at Helm’s Deep, warning Théoden of Saruman’s approaching army (at least 10,000 strong).
• Despite being vastly outnumbered, Théoden prepares for battle.
• Elrond and Galadriel agree to honor the alliance between Elves and Men. A company of Lothlórien Elves, led by Haldir, arrives at Helm’s Deep to aid Rohan.
• The Uruk-hai breach the outer wall with explosives.
• Haldir is killed during the charge, and the defenders retreat to the keep.
• Aragorn convinces Théoden to lead a final charge at dawn.
• At the first light of dawn, Gandalf and Éomer arrive with the Rohirrim, turning the tide of battle.
• The surviving Uruk-hai flee into Fangorn Forest, where they are annihilated by the Ents who have arrived to finish them off. (Extended Edition shows Ents arriving to finish off Orcs fleeing the battle.)
• Gimli and Legolas compare their body counts during the battle. (Extended Edition)
• Gandalf warns of Sauron’s inevitable retaliation.
• Frodo, Sam, and Gollum Encounter Faramir:
• Gollum leads Frodo and Sam to the Black Gate, but then recommends another, secret route into Mordor.
• Frodo and Sam are captured by Rangers of Ithilien led by Faramir, Boromir’s younger brother.
• Frodo helps Faramir catch Gollum to save him from being killed by the Rangers.
• Learning of the One Ring, Faramir decides to take his captives and the Ring to Gondor, hoping to bring it to his father, Denethor, to prove his worth. (A significant deviation from the book, where Faramir resists the Ring’s temptation more easily).
• Passing through the besieged city of Osgiliath, Sam explains to Faramir that the Ring drove Boromir mad.
• During a Nazgûl attack, the Ring nearly captures Frodo.
• Sam saves Frodo and delivers an inspiring speech about fighting for the good still left in Middle-earth, reminding Frodo of their purpose.
• Impressed by Frodo’s resolve, Faramir releases them, allowing them to continue their quest.
• Faramir comforts Éowyn. (Extended Edition)
• Feeling betrayed by his capture, Gollum decides he will reclaim the Ring and plans to lead Frodo and Sam to Shelob at Cirith Ungol in the next stage of their journey.

Post-Film Events (Leading into Return of the King)

• Gandalf, Aragorn, and the others come across Saruman, who is defeated but defiant. Wormtongue stabs Saruman, who falls to his death from Orthanc. (Extended Edition – Return of the King)
• The Mouth of Sauron, a disfigured messenger, lies to the heroes, claiming Frodo is dead. Aragorn is not fooled and kills him. (Extended Edition – Return of the King)
• Gandalf faces the Witch King, but the Witch King is distracted by the sound of a horn and departs. (Extended Edition – Return of the King)

Cast of Characters

This list includes principle characters mentioned in the sources, with brief bios relevant to their portrayal in The Two Towers film.

The Fellowship and Companions:

• Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood): A young hobbit, the Ring-bearer. He continues his arduous and increasingly burdensome quest to destroy the One Ring in Mount Doom. In The Two Towers, he grapples with the Ring’s corrupting influence and shows pity towards Gollum.
• Samwise Gamgee (Sean Astin): Frodo’s loyal hobbit gardener and companion. He remains steadfast in his support for Frodo, often serving as a source of strength and hope, and deeply distrusts Gollum.
• Gandalf the White (Ian McKellen): An Istari wizard. After his fall fighting the Balrog, he is resurrected as Gandalf the White, more powerful and luminous, returning to aid Middle-earth against Sauron and Saruman.
• Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen): The heir-in-exile to Gondor’s throne, a skilled warrior, and a Dúnedain Ranger (87 years old, blessed with long life). He steps up as a leader for Rohan’s defense, fighting alongside Legolas and Gimli, and developing a connection with Éowyn.
• Legolas (Orlando Bloom): An Elven archer and one of Aragorn’s companions. He fights alongside Aragorn and Gimli, showcasing his agility and combat prowess.
• Gimli (John Rhys-Davies): A Dwarf warrior and one of Aragorn’s companions. He provides comic relief and proves to be a formidable fighter, often engaging in friendly competition with Legolas. He also provides the voice for Treebeard.
• Merry Brandybuck (Dominic Monaghan): A hobbit, distant cousin of Frodo. He is captured by Uruk-hai with Pippin and later escapes into Fangorn Forest, where he encounters the Ents.
• Pippin Took (Billy Boyd): A hobbit, distant cousin of Frodo. Captured with Merry, he is often foolish but shows courage, helping to rouse the Ents to war.

Allies and Adversaries of Rohan:

• Théoden (Bernard Hill): The King of Rohan. Initially under Saruman’s evil spell, he is freed by Gandalf and reclaims his leadership, leading his people in defense against Saruman’s army at Helm’s Deep.
• Éowyn (Miranda Otto): Théoden’s niece. A shieldmaiden of Rohan, she is strong-willed and falls in love with Aragorn.
• Éomer (Karl Urban): Théoden’s nephew and a valiant warrior. He is initially exiled by Gríma Wormtongue but returns with his riders to aid Théoden at Helm’s Deep.
• Gríma Wormtongue (Brad Dourif): Saruman’s insidious servant at Edoras, who manipulates King Théoden. He flees to Saruman after being exposed.
• Haldir (Craig Parker): The leader of the Lothlórien Elves who come to aid Rohan at Helm’s Deep, honoring the ancient alliance with Men. He is killed in battle.
• Háma (John Leigh): The loyal doorwarden of the Golden Hall and a majordomo of Théoden.
• Gamling (Bruce Hopkins): Théoden’s chief lieutenant and a skilled member of the Royal Guard of Rohan.

Other Significant Characters:

• Gollum / Sméagol (Andy Serkis – voice/motion capture): A wretched, hobbit-like creature corrupted by the One Ring for centuries. He acts as a guide for Frodo and Sam, exhibiting a severe split personality between his former, more innocent self (Sméagol) and his Ring-obsessed persona (Gollum).
• Saruman the White (Christopher Lee): An Istari wizard who has allied himself with Sauron. He wages war upon Rohan from his fortress Orthanc in Isengard, decimating Fangorn Forest. His death is shown in the Extended Edition of Return of the King.
• Elrond (Hugo Weaving): The Elven-Lord of Rivendell. He initially doubts Aragorn’s return and encourages Arwen to leave Middle-earth, but later agrees to send Elves to aid Men in the war.
• Arwen (Liv Tyler): An Elven princess of Rivendell and Aragorn’s true love. She is shown contemplating her fate and connection to Aragorn.
• Galadriel (Cate Blanchett): The Elven-Queen of Lothlórien. She communicates telepathically with Elrond and convinces him of the necessity of the Elves aiding Men.
• Treebeard (John Rhys-Davies – voice): The ancient leader of the Ents, the tree-like shepherds of the forest. He is initially slow to act but is eventually roused to immense anger by Saruman’s destruction of Fangorn Forest.
• Faramir (David Wenham): A Prince of the Stewards of Gondor and Captain of the Ithilien Rangers. He captures Frodo, Sam, and Gollum, initially intending to take the Ring to Gondor, but ultimately releases them after witnessing the Ring’s power and Sam’s plea.
• Boromir (Sean Bean): Faramir’s older brother, a fallen member of the Fellowship. He appears in flashbacks, particularly in the Extended Edition, showing his relationship with Faramir and his father, and the Ring’s early influence on him.
• Denethor (John Noble): The Steward of Gondor and father of Boromir and Faramir. (Appears in flashbacks in the Extended Edition, showing his preference for Boromir and his desire for the Ring).
• The Mouth of Sauron (Bruce Spence): A disfigured messenger of Sauron. (Appears only in the Extended Edition of Return of the King, where he tries to deceive the heroes about Frodo’s fate.)

Spider-Man swings back into action in this eagerly anticipated sequel that finds Peter Parker struggling to balance his dual identity as a college student and web-slinging superhero. Director Sam Raimi returns with Tobey Maguire reprising his role as the conflicted young hero, this time facing off against the multi-tentacled menace Doctor Octopus, played by Alfred Molina. Kirsten Dunst and James Franco return as Mary Jane Watson and Harry Osborn, respectively, as Peter’s personal relationships become increasingly complicated by his secret life.

Set two years after the events of the first film, this sequel promises to delve deeper into the psychological toll of being a superhero, exploring themes of sacrifice, responsibility, and the price of heroism. With a reported budget of $200 million, Columbia Pictures has spared no expense in creating spectacular action sequences featuring improved special effects and more ambitious set pieces. Early buzz suggests this may be one of the rare sequels that surpasses its predecessor, combining Sam Raimi’s distinctive visual style with a more mature exploration of the Spider-Man mythology.

Review by Ben Dover

Back in my day, we had heroes like John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. They didn’t need fancy tights or to swing from buildings. They just needed a horse, a six-shooter, and a grim determination to kick some butt. Now we have this Spider-Man fella, and…well, I’ll be damned. They actually made a superhero movie that doesn’t make me want to throw my nachos at the screen. And coming from a guy who thinks most comic book movies are about as sophisticated as Saturday morning cartoons, that’s saying something. “Spider-Man 2” is what happens when you get a director who understands that under all that spandex, there’s supposed to be an actual human being.

Tobey Maguire’s back as our friendly neighborhood wall-crawler, and this time he’s actually dealing with real problems instead of just punching bad guys and making wisecracks. The kid’s broke, he’s failing his classes, his aunt’s about to lose her house, and the girl he loves is dating some pretty boy actor. Oh, and he’s losing his spider powers because he’s having an identity crisis. The movie tries to make us feel sorry for him, but I just wanted to smack him across the face and tell him to grow up. The film is great because it shows how hard it is to be a hero, but it’s also infuriating because the hero is such a pathetic mess.

The real star here though is Alfred Molina as Doctor Octopus, or “Doc Ock” if you’re into the whole brevity thing. Now this is how you do a villain! He’s not some cackling maniac in a ridiculous costume – he’s a brilliant scientist who gets turned into a monster by his own ambition. Molina plays him with just the right mix of tragedy and menace. When those metal arms first attach to his spine, you actually feel sorry for the guy. Then he starts throwing cars around and you remember why heroes exist in the first place.

But here’s what really gets me about this movie – it’s got heart. Real heart, not the manufactured emotional manipulation you get in most of these CGI spectacles. When Peter Parker quits being Spider-Man, you understand why. The kid’s tired, he’s been getting beaten up for two years straight, and nobody even knows he’s doing it. That’s real sacrifice, not the phony “I must save the world because the script says so” garbage we usually get.

The action scenes are something else too. That train fight sequence? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! It’s like watching a live-action comic book, but one where the physics actually matter and people get hurt when they hit things. Sam Raimi knows how to stage action so you can actually follow what’s happening, unlike these modern directors who think shaking the camera makes everything more “intense.”

My only real gripe is with all the sappy parts. There’s a lot of talk about responsibility and sacrifice, and it gets a little old. I get it, he’s a hero. He has to make tough choices. But do we have to dwell on it for half the movie? Let’s just have some action and stop with all the navel-gazing. All in all, this is a fun movie, even for a curmudgeon like me. It has some great action, a fantastic villain, and a few emotional moments that almost made me shed a tear. But don’t tell anyone I said that.

Cast & Performances

Tobey Maguire returns as Peter Parker/Spider-Man, and he’s found his groove with this character. Maguire’s always been better at the awkward Peter Parker side than the wise-cracking Spider-Man, and this movie plays to his strengths. His performance when he loses his powers is genuinely touching.

Alfred Molina steals every scene as Dr. Otto Octavius/Doctor Octopus. The man brings Shakespeare-level gravitas to a guy with metal arms coming out of his back. It shouldn’t work, but Molina makes you believe every minute of it.

Kirsten Dunst returns as Mary Jane Watson, and she’s… fine. Look, she does what’s asked of her, but the character’s still basically just there to get rescued and provide romantic tension. Could be worse, I suppose.

James Franco as Harry Osborn continues his descent into madness over his father’s death. Franco’s good at playing unhinged, which serves him well here as he plots revenge against his best friend’s alter ego.

Rosemary Harris as Aunt May continues to be the moral center of these films. The woman could read the phone book and make it emotionally resonant.

J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson remains the perfect comic relief, playing the bombastic newspaper editor like he was born for the role. Which, let’s face it, he probably was. He hates Spider-Man more than I hate modern music.

Technical Aspects

Special Effects: Here’s where the extra budget shows. The Doc Ock tentacles look real, they move with weight and personality, and the computer effects blend seamlessly with the practical stunts. No cartoon nonsense here – when Spider-Man gets thrown through a window, you feel it. The effects feel real and menacing, not like some cheap CGI mess. The train sequence is a masterclass in visual effects and practical effects working together. It’s a jaw-dropping sequence that will have you on the edge of your seat. And Spider-Man’s swinging scenes are better than ever. The physics seem more realistic, and the sense of speed is palpable. This movie’s effects hold up even today.

Music: Danny Elfman returns with another bombastic score that knows when to soar and when to pull back for the quiet moments. The man understands that superhero music should be heroic, not just loud.

Rating: ★★★★★

I’m giving “Spider-Man 2” the full five stars, and I’m as surprised as you are. This is how you make a superhero movie – you focus on the human story first, then add the spectacle. It’s got heart, brains, amazing action, and it treats its characters like real people instead of action figures. If all comic book movies were this good, I might actually start liking the genre.

Complete Plot Synopsis

Two years have passed since Peter Parker first became Spider-Man, and the weight of his dual identity is taking its toll. Peter struggles financially, barely keeping up with his college studies while working part-time as a photographer for the Daily Bugle. His relationship with Aunt May is strained as she faces foreclosure on her house, and his friendship with Harry Osborn grows complicated as Harry blames Spider-Man for his father’s death. Most painfully, Peter watches from afar as Mary Jane Watson pursues her acting career and dates astronaut John Jameson.

The stress of his double life begins manifesting physically – Peter’s spider powers start failing him at crucial moments, nearly getting him killed during routine superhero duties. Meanwhile, brilliant scientist Dr. Otto Octavius is preparing to demonstrate his fusion power experiment, using artificial intelligence-controlled mechanical arms to manipulate dangerous materials. Peter attends the demonstration, but when the experiment goes horribly wrong, the arms fuse permanently to Octavius’s spine and their AI chips are damaged, making them malevolent and controlling.

The accident kills Octavius’s wife and transforms him into the villainous Doctor Octopus. His personality becomes influenced by the arms’ damaged programming, driving him to obtain tritium to rebuild his fusion reactor, regardless of the danger to New York City. During their first encounter, Doc Ock nearly defeats Spider-Man, leaving Peter more demoralized than ever.

Finally reaching his breaking point, Peter makes the devastating decision to quit being Spider-Man. He throws his costume in a trash can and attempts to live a normal life. Initially, things improve – his grades go up, his friendship with Harry strengthens, and he finally tells Mary Jane how he feels about her. However, without Spider-Man protecting the city, crime rates soar, and Doc Ock’s rampage continues unchecked.

The turning point comes when Peter visits Aunt May and confesses that he feels responsible for Uncle Ben’s death. Aunt May’s wisdom about heroism and responsibility helps Peter realize he cannot abandon his calling. When Doc Ock kidnaps Mary Jane to force Spider-Man into the open, Peter reclaims his costume and powers, leading to a spectacular battle aboard an out-of-control elevated train.

The climax takes place at Doc Ock’s reconstructed fusion reactor, which threatens to destroy half of Manhattan. In a moment of clarity before his sacrifice, Otto Octavius briefly overcomes his arms’ influence and destroys the reactor, drowning himself and the machine in the river. Peter reveals his identity to Mary Jane, but tells her they cannot be together because of the dangers his life brings to those he loves.

The film ends with Mary Jane making her own choice – she leaves her wedding to John Jameson and finds Peter, telling him she’s willing to accept the risks of loving Spider-Man. Their kiss is interrupted by police sirens, and Peter swings into action once more, with Mary Jane watching proudly from his apartment window.

Famous Quotes from the Movie

1. “With great power comes great responsibility.” – Uncle Ben (via Aunt May)
2. “The power of the sun, in the palm of my hand.” – Dr. Otto Octavius
3. “I’m Spider-Man no more.” – Peter Parker
4. “Pizza time!” – Pizza delivery boy (Peter Parker)
5. “He’s a menace! A criminal! I want the public to see Spider-Man for the fraud he is.” – J. Jonah Jameson
6. “You were the one who taught me that sacrifice is a part of life. You taught me to be a better person.” – Peter Parker
7. “Go get ’em, tiger.” – Mary Jane Watson

Interesting Movie Facts

1. Practical Tentacles: The Doctor Octopus arms were primarily practical puppets operated by a team of puppeteers, not CGI, giving them realistic weight and movement.
2. Train Sequence: The famous train fight was filmed using a combination of real elevated train cars and miniatures, with Tobey Maguire performing many of his own stunts. It took 4 months to film
3. Costume Changes: Spider-Man’s costume was redesigned with raised webbing and more flexible materials to allow for better stunt work and more dynamic poses.
4. Tobey and I both have bad backs: Tobey Maguire’s back problems nearly cost him the role. Jake Gyllenhaal, who was dating Kirsten Dunst at the time, was considered as a replacement.
5. Budget Record: With a $200 million budget, it was one of the most expensive films ever made at the time of its release in 2004.
6. Alfred Molina’s Preparation: Molina worked with a movement coach to develop the unique way Doc Ock walks and moves with his mechanical arms, treating them as extensions of his character’s personality.

Rant

Photos

Trailer

They say this picture brought Bond into the “modern era.” Modern era? What’s so great about the modern era? You got computers that crash more than my old Ford, music that sounds like cats fighting in a garbage can, and youngsters with their pants hanging down to their ankles. But he’s still got a stiff drink in one hand and a sharp quip in the other while blowing up bad guys, so maybe, just maybe, this old dog can learn a new trick.

Review by Ben Dover

Well, give me a license to kill and call me 007! Just when I thought the Bond franchise was as dead as disco, along comes “GoldenEye” to prove that sometimes, an old dog can learn new tricks – even if that dog is wearing a tuxedo and has a thing for vodka martinis.

Pierce Brosnan debuts as James Bond, looking so perfectly tailored and coiffed that he makes the previous Bonds look like they shopped at Sears. The man’s jawline is so sharp it could cut diamonds, and he delivers one-liners with the precision of a Swiss watch. After Timothy Dalton’s run (which had all the charm of a tax audit), Brosnan’s Bond is a breath of fresh air – smoother than a well-aged scotch and twice as intoxicating. This Pierce fella’s got a bit of that old-school charm I appreciate. Still not Connery, mind you, but he fills the suit nicely.

The plot? It’s more twisted than my arthritic back. Something about a space weapon, a rogue agent, and the Russians (because it’s always the Russians). It’s like they threw a handful of Cold War clichés into a blender and hit puree. But you know what? It works. It’s classic Bond – preposterous but entertaining as hell. And I do mean preposterous as they literally jump a tank during a car chase, not the car jumping a tank as that is at least plausible, they jump the actual tank. Honestly, who comes up with this stuff? But I’ll admit, it kept my eyes open, even if my ears were ringing for a good hour afterward. They even had a fight on top of a train. Trains! Remember when those were a big deal? Now they’re just something that gets in your way when you’re trying to drive. The action sequences are more over-the-top than a Cirque du Soleil performance. The tank chase through St. Petersburg? The airplane dive? The antenna cradle finale? It’s all gloriously excessive, like watching a ballet choreographed by someone with an explosion fetish.

Sean Bean plays the villain, 006-turned-bad-guy Alec Trevelyan, and boy does he know how to die. The man practically has a PhD in on-screen deaths. He sneers and schemes his way through the movie like he’s auditioning for a Shakespeare villain. It’s delicious.

Famke Janssen steals every scene she’s in as Xenia Onatopp, a woman who literally crushes men between her thighs. In my day, we just called that marriage! She’s having so much fun being bad that you can’t help but root for her a little bit.

The new “M,” played by that Dame Judi Dench, she was alright. A woman in charge? Well, I never thought I’d see the day. She even called Bond a “sexist, misogynist dinosaur.” A bit harsh, if you ask me, but maybe there’s something to that.

Is “GoldenEye” perfect? Nah. Some of the CGI has aged worse than I have. But it’s a rollicking good time that revitalized a franchise many thought was past its prime – much like myself after my fourth cup of coffee.

So, if you want to see where modern Bond began before all those whippersnappers like Ethan Hunt started dangling from ceilings, give “GoldenEye” a watch. It’s a reminder of a time when heroes smoked, drank, and saved the world without needing a support group afterwards.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fix myself a martini – shaken, not stirred. Some traditions are worth preserving, dammit.

Rating: 4 out of 5 shaken martinis

About the Author (According to Some Folks, Especially After Watching GoldenEye)

Ben Dover is, by his own estimation, a seasoned observer of the human condition and a connoisseur of films that don’t involve too much darn singing and dancing, or leg-squeezing assassins with ridiculous names. Born sometime before they started putting seatbelts in cars, Ben has seen it all, from spies using fountain pens that shoot ink to these newfangled ones jumping off dams like they’re a bunch of darn mountain goats. He’s not afraid to speak his mind, even if his mind tends to dwell on things like how much better spy gadgets were “back in his day” (a good exploding pen beats a satellite that fries your telly any day) and why these young Bond fellas need to stop all the fancy acrobatics and just shoot the bad guys already. Some folks, especially after reading his take on GoldenEye, have unkindly compared his reviewing style to a grumpy badger who’s just had his Lawrence Welk marathon interrupted by a bunch of loud explosions, or that loudmouth kid from that cartoon who’s always complaining about everything. Others, even less charitably, say he reminds them of their Uncle Archie after he’s spent an afternoon yelling at the television about those long-haired rock and roll fellas. Ben just calls it telling it like it is, and if you don’t like it, well, he’s probably too busy wondering why that Judi Dench woman was so darn mouthy to notice.

Stars

• Pierce Brosnan as James Bond (007): The new guy. Seems capable enough, even if he looks like he could use a good, solid meal.
• Sean Bean as Alec Trevelyan (006): Bond’s old partner who went rogue. That Sean Bean, always playing the bad guy. You just know he’s not going to make it to the end of the movie.
• Izabella Scorupco as Natalya Simonova: A Russian programmer who gets caught up in all the spy business. Seems like a smart cookie, for a computer person.
• Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp: The villainous lady with the deadly thighs. Honestly, the name alone is enough to make me chuckle.
• Judi Dench as M: The new head of MI6. A woman in charge? What’s the world coming to? But she’s got a stern look about her, I’ll give her that.
• Robbie Coltrane as Valentin Zukovsky: A former KGB agent turned gangster. That fella seems familiar, like I’ve seen him in something with wizards.
• Alan Cumming as Boris Grishenko: A nerdy Russian hacker. Annoying little twerp, if you ask me.

Special Effects

The special effects were certainly… something. All those computer-generated explosions and fancy gadgets. It looked slick, I’ll give them that. But sometimes I miss the days when they just blew up a real car. Seemed more impactful. This CGI stuff, it’s all a bit too clean, too perfect. Like everything these kids do on their picture boxes.

Music

The music was loud and dramatic, full of electronic sounds. It fit the action, I suppose, but it didn’t have any of those memorable themes like the old Bond movies. Nothing you’d hum on the way out of the theater. Just a lot of noise to make the explosions sound bigger.

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

The movie kicks off with James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) and his fellow 00 agent, Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean), infiltrating a Soviet chemical weapons facility. Trevelyan is seemingly killed during the mission. Nine years later, a powerful electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapon, codenamed “GoldenEye,” is stolen from a Russian military base by the Janus crime syndicate. This syndicate is led by none other than… wait for it… Alec Trevelyan, who faked his death! Turns out, he’s got a grudge against MI6 for betraying his Lienz Cossack parents after World War II. Talk about holding a grudge.

The newly appointed M (Judi Dench) assigns Bond to investigate the theft. His investigation leads him to St. Petersburg, where he encounters Valentin Zukovsky (Robbie Coltrane), a former KGB agent turned mobster, who reluctantly helps Bond. Bond also crosses paths with the deadly and, shall we say, physically affectionate assassin Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), who works for Trevelyan. Bond eventually teams up with Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco), a Russian computer programmer who was working at the Severnaya satellite control center when GoldenEye was stolen and is now a target for Janus.

Bond and Natalya travel to Cuba, where Trevelyan has established his secret headquarters hidden beneath a massive satellite dish. There, Trevelyan reveals his plan to use the second GoldenEye satellite to wipe out London’s financial district, causing a global economic meltdown. He intends to transfer billions of pounds before the attack, crippling Britain as revenge for the past. Bond and Natalya manage to infiltrate the base. After a tense confrontation and a lot of explosions, Bond sabotages the satellite dish. Trevelyan falls from the collapsing structure, seemingly to his death again. But wait! He’s not quite dead yet. He tries to pull Bond down with him, but Bond kicks him away, sending him plummeting to his actual, for real this time, death. Bond and Natalya escape just before the whole place blows up, and they are picked up by CIA agent Jack Wade (Joe Don Baker). They end up at Guantanamo Bay for some reason. The end.

Famous Quotes

1. Alec Trevelyan: “For England, James?” James Bond: “No. For me.” (A bit melodramatic, if you ask me. But it’s got that spy movie flair.)
2. M: “You’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War.” James Bond: “Well, times have changed.” M: “Not for you.” (Ouch. She really stuck it to him. Maybe she’s got a point.)
3. Boris Grishenko: “I am invincible!” (Famous last words, wouldn’t you say? These young punks are always so cocky.)
4. Xenia Onatopp: “The pleasure will be all mine.” (Said right before she tries to squeeze the life out of someone. This woman has issues.)
5. James Bond: ” спутник разрушен. Прощай, Алек.” (Sputnik razrushen. Proshchay, Alek.) [Satellite destroyed. Farewell, Alec.] (Bond speaking Russian. Fancy. Though I doubt half the audience knows what he’s saying.)

Notes from the Movie

1. This was the first James Bond film to star Pierce Brosnan as 007, after Timothy Dalton hung up his license to kill. They tried to get him way back when Roger Moore retired, but contract issues got in the way. Funny how things work out.
2. “GoldenEye” was the first Bond film made after the fall of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War, which is why the villains are former Soviets with a grudge instead of the usual SPECTRE fellas. Times, they are a-changin’.
3. Judi Dench made her debut as M in this film, becoming the first female to portray Bond’s boss. About time they shook things up a bit, even if it did ruffle some old feathers.
4. The famous bungee jump scene at the beginning, off the Verzasca Dam in Switzerland, was done for real. That’s a heck of a way to start a movie, even if it made my stomach churn just watching it.
5. The video game adaptation of “GoldenEye” for the Nintendo 64 was a huge hit and is considered one of the best video games of all time. My grandkids still play that darn thing. Go figure.

Photos

Trailer

Review Notes

Well this is straight action opening, like that

Hey Ethan Hunt copied Bond with the upside down BS

Pierce is one damn good looking Bond

Hey Sean Bean, you know hes gonna die

That chick sure is enjoying fucking guys to death

Why does the satellite thingy only destroy military aircraft with its EMP shoudlnt they have taken down an airliner or something

Governments Change, lies remain the same… great line

This thing is action packed, yet somehow I am a little bored, pacing was just different back then.

Joe Don Baker was fun, still Buford Pusser to me. (walking tall)

This cinematic masterpiece (or, more likely, cinematic mess) sees the return of our favorite alien refugee, Superman, battling a trio of escaped Kryptonian villains led by the oh-so-charming General Zod. Apparently, these guys are even badder than Lex Luthor, which is saying something. Lois Lane is still around, of course, tripping over her own feet and getting into trouble. And Clark Kent? He’s still trying to hide his super-secret identity behind a pair of glasses. Honestly, you’d think people would have figured it out by now.

Review by Ben Dover

Okay, I just finished watching Superman II. Let me tell you, it’s… well, it’s a superhero movie. What else can I say? It’s got all the usual tropes: a hero with a god complex, villains with world domination plans, and a love interest who can’t seem to function without being rescued. It’s like they took all the superhero clichés and threw them into a blender. The result? A movie that’s both exciting and exhausting.

Listen up, you youngsters who think director drama started with Zack Snyder. Superman II has more behind-the-scenes chaos than my second marriage. Richard Donner, who directed most of this film alongside the first one, got kicked to the curb faster than my ex-wife’s lawyer could say “alimony,” and Richard Lester stepped in to finish the job. The result? A movie that’s somehow both great and a mess, like my aunt’s Christmas turkey.

Christopher Reeve returns as the Big Blue Boy Scout, still making us believe a man can fly and that glasses are an effective disguise. This time he’s up against three Kryptonian criminals led by General Zod (Terence Stamp), who chews more scenery than my dog at the furniture store. Stamp delivers the word “KNEEL!” with such conviction you’d think he was ordering at a drive-thru with a broken speaker.

The plot? Superman decides to give up his powers so he can play house with Lois Lane (Margot Kidder). Because apparently being the most powerful being on Earth isn’t as appealing as getting some action in a tinfoil honeymoon suite at Niagara Falls. Real smooth, Supes. Meanwhile, three super-powered criminals are turning Earth into their personal playground. Talk about bad timing.

Gene Hackman returns as Lex Luthor, who breaks out of prison with all the difficulty of a teenager sneaking out to a party. He teams up with Zod and company because apparently being the smartest criminal mastermind means hitching your wagon to the first alien dictator who shows up. Terence Stamp as General Zod, though? He’s the real star of the show. He chews the scenery like it’s a prime rib steak. “Kneel before Zod!” Classic.

The special effects are… well, they’re special effects from the 80s. Some of them are pretty good, but some of the flying scenes, let’s just say they haven’t aged well. The battle in Metropolis remains a highlight, though watching super-powered beings throw each other through buildings hits different after 9/11.

Remember when I said I was going to start throwing popcorn at the screen if I had to watch another damsel-in-distress scene? Well, I did. And I ran out of popcorn.

Now, let’s talk about that ending. Superman kisses Lois to make her forget everything? That’s the kind of plot device that makes soap operas look like Shakespeare. And don’t get me started on how he magically gets his powers back just by pushing a green crystal button. It’s like a reset button on a video game, but with more spandex.

Bottom Line: Despite studio interference that would make a fox in a henhouse look organized, Superman II somehow works. It’s messier than the original but still has enough charm to overcome its cape-sized plot holes. Overall, Superman II is a decent superhero movie. It’s not great, but it’s not terrible either. It’s got some good action scenes, a memorable villain, and some cheesy special effects. If you’re a fan of superhero movies, you’ll probably enjoy it. If you’re not, well, you’ve probably seen worse. I give it two and a half out of five stars. Decidedly middling.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my grandkids why Superman giving up his powers for a woman is dumber than my decision to get married for the fourth time.

Ben Dover has been banned from multiple comic conventions for suggesting Superman could have solved his romance problems with a Kryptonian dating app. His wife suggests he stop giving relationship advice to superheroes.

Fun Fact: There’s a Richard Donner cut released in 2006 that’s drastically different from the theatrical version. It’s like getting to see your parents’ alternate divorce settlement.

Memorable Quote: “Kneel before Zod!” – General Zod, providing the most quoted lunch lady impression in cinema history.

Best Scene: The Metropolis battle, proving that property damage was a superhero movie staple long before Michael Bay got his hands on a camera.

Starring

Christopher Reeve as Superman/Clark Kent, Margot Kidder as Lois Lane, Terence Stamp as General Zod, Sarah Douglas as Ursa, and Jack O’Halloran as Non.

Special Effects

As mentioned, a mixed bag. Some are impressive for the time, others are laughably dated.

Music

John Williams’ iconic score. Grand and bombastic, as always. Still reminiscent of Star Wars. The music is classic John Williams. You know, the soaring orchestral score that makes every superhero movie sound epic. It’s good, I’ll give it that. But I swear, if I hear that Superman theme one more time, I might just fly to the moon myself.

Rating

2.5/5 Crystal Fortresses (Lost points for making Superman give up his powers to get some action)

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

Superman II picks up where the first movie left off. General Zod and his Kryptonian cronies, Ursa and Non, escape from the Phantom Zone and head to Earth, looking to take over the world. Meanwhile, Lois Lane is still trying to figure out that Clark Kent is Superman. Superman has to deal with these super-powered villains while also trying to maintain his secret identity and keep Lois safe. It’s a lot to juggle, even for a superhero. Eventually, Superman defeats Zod and his crew, saves the world (again), and manages to keep his secret identity intact. Lois, of course, remains clueless. Roll credits.

Famous Quotes

1. “Kneel before Zod!” – General Zod
2. “Superman, you’re the only one.” – Lois Lane
3. “I live only to serve you, your Highness.” – Ursa
4. “We will rule this planet!” – General Zod
5. “Come on, Superman! Let’s finish this!” – General Zod

Notes

1. That opening at least keeps you from having to watch the first movie, feels like a previously on tv opening.
2. Got Superpeen in opening credits again, wimps could have done it in the bed scene with Lois and Clark, but nooo.
3. Boy, that suit change in the alley was cool, the flying out of the alley was BAD.
4. Actually almost all of the flying scenes are bad, the background is pixelated and Superman is clear in almost all of them making them look decidedly fake.
5. Clark stole those damn hot dogs.
6. The original theatrical release and the director’s cut have some differences, particularly regarding the ending.
7. Terence Stamp considered General Zod one of his favorite roles.
8. The special effects were considered groundbreaking for their time, even if they look a bit dated now.
9. The film was a huge box office success.
10. There were plans for a Superman III even before Superman II was released.
11. The new forgetting power is just stupid. Now he’s got mental powers as well. That sure would have helped in Smallville.

Photos

Trailer

Harrison Ford is back as Indiana Jones, but is this adventure worth taking?

The year is 1969, and the world has changed. The space race is on, and the Cold War is in full swing. But some things never change, like the thrill of adventure. And who better to deliver that thrill than Indiana Jones? In this latest installment, Indy is called upon to stop Dr. Jürgen Voller, a former Nazi working for NASA from obtaining a powerful artifact called the Dial of Destiny, that could change the course of history. But this time, he’s not alone. He’s joined by his goddaughter, Helena Shaw, played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Together, they must race against time to save the world. But will they be able to stop the Nazis before it’s too late?

Review: The Adventure That Should’ve Stayed in the Warehouse

Rating: 3.5/5 Whips (Extra half whip for Harrison Ford still being able to throw a punch at 80)

Listen up, you young whippersnappers who think Marvel invented action heroes. Indiana Jones is back for one last ride, and it’s about as necessary as my fourth marriage. Harrison Ford returns at the spry age of 80 to crack his whip one final time, proving that some archaeologists just don’t know when to retire.

The movie opens with a de-aged Ford fighting Nazis in 1944, looking like someone tried to iron out his wrinkles in Photoshop. The effect is about as convincing as my last hair transplant. It’s like watching a wax figure come to life and punch people. The technology might be impressive, but so is my neighbor’s Christmas light display – doesn’t mean I want to stare at it for 20 minutes.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge plays Helena Shaw, Indy’s goddaughter, who’s about as charming as a root canal. She’s supposed to be the new blood in the franchise, but she comes across like someone who learned archaeology from watching YouTube tutorials. Her constant quips make me miss Short Round, and I never thought I’d say that.

The plot revolves around something called the Dial of Destiny, because apparently all the good ancient artifacts were already used in the previous movies. It’s some kind of time-travel MacGuffin created by Archimedes, because that’s exactly what the Indiana Jones franchise needed – time travel. Next thing you know, they’ll have Indy fighting dinosaurs… oh wait, that actually happens. Sort of.

Mads Mikkelsen plays the villain, a Nazi scientist turned NASA engineer, because this movie needed to check every possible box. He’s actually pretty good, but then again, he could read my grocery list and make it sound menacing. The man’s got more charm than all the Bond villains combined, even when he’s spouting nonsense about paradoxes and time loops.

The action sequences are like watching someone try to recreate the greatest hits of the original trilogy, but with more CGI than a Marvel movie. Remember when Indy used to solve problems with his wit and his whip? Now he’s outrunning digital explosions and fighting in zero gravity. It’s like someone threw “2001: A Space Odyssey” into a blender with “Raiders” and hit puree. I do have to give Ford credit though, for much of the movie I fell into believing he could really do some of this stuff that no 80 year old can.

Bottom Line: It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage – and this franchise has more miles on it than my first Oldsmobile. Ford gives it his all, but some treasures should stay buried. Now, I’m not saying this movie is all bad. There are some decent action sequences, and the special effects are pretty good. But the plot is about as thin as a politician’s promise. And the dialogue is so cheesy, it could give you a lactose intolerance. I mean, come on! “Nazis? I hate these guys!” Really? That’s the best they could come up with? Overall, I’d give this movie 3.5 out of 5 stars. It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely not the best. If you’re a die-hard Indiana Jones fan, you might enjoy it. But if you’re looking for a good movie, you might want to look elsewhere.

Fun Fact: Harrison Ford was 79 during filming, making him the oldest action hero since… well, Harrison Ford in the last movie he made.

Memorable Quote: “I don’t believe in magic, but a few times in my life, I’ve seen things. Things I can’t explain.” – Indiana Jones, apparently forgetting he’s seen enough supernatural events to fill a paranormal encyclopedia.

Best Scene: The opening chase through 1969 New York City, if only because it reminds us what these movies used to be like before they went full sci-fi.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my grandkids why archaeologists don’t typically fight Nazis in space.

Ben Dover has been banned from several archaeological societies for suggesting that their work would be more interesting with more whip-cracking. His wife agrees but won’t specify why.

Some cooler aspects of the film include:

1. Time travel elements: The Dial of Destiny is an Antikythera mechanism built by Archimedes that can reveal time fissures.
2. Action sequences: The movie features classic Indiana Jones-style chases and adventures, including scenes in Tangier and Greece.
3. Historical settings: The story spans from World War II to 1969, incorporating events like the Apollo 11 moon landing.
4. Returning characters: Besides Indiana Jones, the film brings back familiar faces such as Sallah and Marion Ravenwood.

Starring:

• Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones
• Phoebe Waller-Bridge as Helena Shaw
• Mads Mikkelsen as Jürgen Voller
• Antonio Banderas as Renaldo
• John Rhys-Davies as Sallah¹
• Toby Jones as Basil² Shaw

Special Effects:

The special effects are pretty good, especially the de-aging scenes with Harrison Ford. I mean, it’s still Harrison Ford, but he looks a lot younger. It’s kind of creepy, but also kind of cool.

Music:

The music is by John Williams, but it’s not his best work. It’s still pretty good, but it’s not as memorable as his previous Indiana Jones scores. It’s like John Williams just phoned it in. I mean, I know the guy’s getting up there in years, but come on! This is Indiana Jones! We deserve better than this!

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown:

In 1944, Indiana Jones and his colleague Basil Shaw steal the Antikythera, a device created by Archimedes that supposedly can locate fissures in time. They are pursued by Nazi Jürgen Voller, who wants to use the device to change history and win World War II. Twenty-five years later, in 1969, Jones is pulled into another adventure when Basil’s daughter, Helena Shaw, shows up and reveals that her father was obsessed with the Antikythera. She steals half of the device and sets off to find the other half, with Jones in hot pursuit. They are again pursued by Voller, who is now working for NASA. Jones and Shaw travel the globe, following clues left by Basil, and eventually find the other half of the device. They then use it to travel back in time to 212 BC, where they confront Voller and stop him from changing history.

Famous Quotes:

1. “Nazis? I hate these guys!” – Indiana Jones
2. “If you want to go to Sicily, I’m not going to stand in your way.” – Indiana Jones
3. “I’m not a hero. I’m just a guy who likes to get into trouble.” – Indiana Jones
4. “It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.” – Indiana Jones
5. “This is it. This is where it all ends.” – Indiana Jones
6. “You should have stayed in NY” Voller “You should have stayed out of Poland” – Indiana Jones

Notes:

1. This is the fifth and final Indiana Jones movie.
2. I really want one of those little Tuk-Tuks, they look like a blast.
3. De-aging has gotten a lot better in the last few years it still feels a little off, but is so much better than it was before.
4. The movie was filmed in various locations around the world, including the United Kingdom, Morocco, and Italy.
5. The movie features a de-aged Harrison Ford in several scenes.
6. The movie’s soundtrack was composed by John Williams, who has scored all five Indiana Jones movies.
7. The movie was released in the United States on June 30, 2023.

Trailer:

Rating: 4.5/5 Red Capes (Half a cape deducted because nobody recognizes Clark Kent just because he wears glasses)

In 1978, the world was introduced to the Man of Steel in a big way. Superman was a box office smash hit that launched a franchise that would last for decades. The film is still considered to be one of the greatest superhero movies of all time. It is a classic that has been enjoyed by millions of people of all ages.

Review by Ben Dover:

Look, I’ve been watching superhero movies since before Marvel thought spandex was cool, and let me tell you something – “Superman” is what happens when Hollywood actually gets it right. This isn’t your modern-day dark and gritty superhero who needs therapy more than a cape. This is Superman when he was still allowed to smile and wearing underwear on the outside was fashionable.

Christopher Reeve IS Superman. Not “plays” Superman – IS Superman. This former stage actor swoops in and makes you believe a man can fly faster than my ex-wife can spend alimony payments. He switches between bumbling Clark Kent and the Man of Steel so convincingly that you almost forget it’s the same actor, even if you can’t believe that a pair of glasses is all it takes to fool Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists.

Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane is a tornado in high heels, smoking cigarettes and chasing stories with more determination than my neighbor chasing kids off his lawn (which, admittedly, I respect). She’s not some damsel waiting to be saved – she creates half the situations she needs to be saved from. That’s initiative, folks.

Gene Hackman plays Lex Luthor like he’s having the time of his life. His evil real estate scheme might sound ridiculous – trying to profit off California beachfront property by nuking the San Andreas fault – but honestly, in today’s housing market, it almost makes sense. His underground lair looks like what would happen if a Bond villain decorated with leftover props from a 1970s game show, and somehow it works.

The special effects? For 1978, they’re nothing short of miraculous. Sure, by today’s standards, they might look a bit dated, but they have more heart than all the CGI in a modern superhero movie. When Superman flies, you feel it. The tagline “You’ll believe a man can fly” wasn’t just marketing nonsense – it was a promise they actually delivered on.

Director Richard Donner treats the material with respect when most Hollywood types would’ve camped it up more than a Boy Scout jamboree. The first half of the movie is practically a biblical epic, with Marlon Brando earning a criminal amount of money to play Space Moses (aka Jor-El) for about 15 minutes. But you know what? Worth every penny.

The score by John Williams? Pure magic. The moment those opening credits start, with that theme music swelling, you know you’re in for something special. It’s like Wagner decided to write a superhero opera, and it actually worked.

This movie is a classic for a reason. It is a fun, entertaining, and heartwarming film that is sure to please anyone who watches it. The special effects are still impressive today, even though they were made over 40 years ago. Sure, some of them are bad by todays standards, but watching it through the eyes of 12 year old me in 1978 was the greatest thing I ever saw. The acting is top-notch, and the story is engaging.

Overall, I highly recommend this movie to anyone who is looking for a fun and entertaining film to watch. It is a classic that has stood the test of time, and it is sure to be enjoyed by generations to come.

Bottom Line: This is how you do a superhero movie. No angst, no brooding, no two-hour fight scenes that look like a video game. Just pure, unabashed heroism with a side of romance and enough charm to power all of Metropolis.

Rating: 4.5/5 Red Capes (Half a cape deducted because nobody recognizes Clark Kent just because he wears glasses)

Stars:

• Christopher Reeve as Superman
• Margot Kidder as Lois Lane
• Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor
• Marlon Brando as Jor-El
• Ned Beatty as Otis

Special Effects:

The special effects in Superman are still impressive today, even though they were made over 40 years ago. The flying scenes are particularly well done, and they are still able to amaze audiences today.

Music:

The music by John Williams is one of the most iconic scores in film history. It is a beautiful and powerful score that perfectly captures the spirit of Superman.

Plot:

Superman is sent to Earth from the planet Krypton as an infant. He is raised by a couple of farmers in Smallville, Kansas. As he grows up, Superman discovers his incredible powers and decides to use them to help others. He moves to Metropolis and becomes a reporter for the Daily Planet. He also takes on the identity of Superman to fight crime.

Superman soon finds himself battling the evil Lex Luthor, who is determined to conquer the world. Lex Luthor has a plan to use a nuclear weapon to destroy Metropolis. Superman must stop him before it is too late.

Fun Fact: Christopher Reeve actually bulked up 30 pounds for the role instead of wearing a padded suit. Today’s actors just get their abs from CGI, which is about as authentic as my third wife’s accent.

Memorable Quote: “You’ve got me? Who’s got you?!” – Lois Lane, asking the real questions while falling from a helicopter.

Best Scene: The helicopter rescue. No CGI, just practical effects, perfect timing, and more tension than my family reunions.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my grandkids why a superhero doesn’t need a tragic backstory and seventeen costume changes to be great.

Ben Dover has been asked by several physics professors to stop explaining how a man can fly. His wife suggests he stop trying to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Quotes:

• “You can’t fight in here! It’s a library!”
• “I’m not a man. I’m a god. And I’m here to help you.”
• “You’re not Superman. You’re just a man in a silly costume.”
• “I’m not going to let you hurt anyone, Lex. Not even you.”
• “I’m not going to let you destroy this city, Lex. Not today. Not ever.”

Notes:

• Superman was directed by Richard Donner and produced by Alexander Salkind and Ilya Salkind.
• The film was a box office success, grossing over $300 million worldwide.
• It was nominated for three Academy Awards, including Best Visual Effects.
• Superman is considered to be one of the greatest superhero movies of all time.

Photos:

Trailer:

Review Notes:

Love the 1930’s comic opening
Damn this music gets me.
Kind of cool having most credits up front of the movie.
Love the spaceship fitting in with the theme like the fortress of solitude.
Super Peen!
I like how they handled the special effects from the 50’s looking less good and moving through the movie and time getting better, interesting choice that makes you feel the time jumps.
Speaking of.. poor Jeff East gets no credit even though he was Clark for half the damn movie.
Im guessing cause like everyone else my memories in my head of this movie mostly start when Clark enters the Fortress of Solitude.
I forgot how funny this is, the phone cubby is hilarious and Lois’ banter with Clark is amazing, do you like pink?
The helicopter rescue scene might be the best use of music I have ever seen in a movie.
Montage time lol
Bad Vibrations… damn great line delivery by Supes
Lois lives in a penthouse apt as a reporter for the paper.. OK
After their little romantic interlude I love how Clark comes in and looks at his glasses like I cant even believe this shit works.

Only two nitpicks, reversing time is stupid as is stopping the earthquake. just a little too far unrealistic.

This dark action-comedy takes Santa out of the North Pole and throws him into a world of government contracts, spoiled brats, and deadly assassins. It’s a wild ride that will leave you wondering if you should be laughing or cringing. One thing’s for sure, you’ll never look at Santa the same way again.

Review by Ben Dover: Goggins and Gibson Chew up the screen.
3 out of 5 Bad Santa’s

“Fatman” is a bizarre, offbeat film that somehow manages to be both entertaining and disturbing. This is a holiday flick for anyone who’s ever thought Santa could use a shot of whiskey and a night at the shooting range, namely Me. Mel Gibson, as always, delivers a solid performance, even if he does seem a bit too comfortable wielding a shotgun. The premise is ridiculous, but the film somehow pulls it off, thanks to some sharp writing and a talented cast.

The plot is as crazy as it sounds: a disillusioned Santa facing off against a hired assassin in a bloody showdown. And Gibson, with his gruff voice and “seen-it-all” demeanor, brings a weird sort of gravitas to the role of Santa. He’s not here to spread cheer; he’s here to get the job done and maybe punch a few bad guys along the way. It’s a bit of an odd choice for a Christmas movie lead, but let’s be honest—Mel Gibson playing a cranky, disillusioned Santa isn’t that much of a stretch.

Mel Gibson plays Chris Cringle, a bitter, downtrodden Santa who’s struggling to keep his North Pole business afloat. Turns out, kids aren’t exactly making the “nice” list these days, and with declining morale and profits, Santa has to take a government contract to stay in the black. Yeah, it’s that kind of movie—a Christmas story where Santa’s getting paid by Uncle Sam. And if that’s not wild enough, a spoiled rich kid hires a hitman to take Santa out after getting a lump of coal in his stocking. Who’s the hitman? None other than Walton Goggins, who seems to be having the time of his life playing a contract killer with a grudge against jolly old Saint Nick.

As for Walton Goggins, he’s the standout in this holiday spectacle. His character, Skinny Man, is a hitman with a personal vendetta against Santa, and he brings that special brand of Goggins’ manic energy to every scene. Watching him methodically hunt down Santa feels like a fever dream you’d have after watching Die Hard on repeat and eating too many candy canes.

Now, Fatman doesn’t exactly deliver the kind of warm and fuzzy Christmas vibes you’d get from It’s a Wonderful Life or Elf. It’s dark, violent, and more than a little twisted. But somehow, there’s a weird sort of Christmas spirit buried under all the blood and bullets. At its core, the movie’s really about finding hope in a world that’s lost its way—though admittedly, it finds that hope by way of high-caliber weaponry and a grumpy Santa who isn’t afraid to fight back.

The action sequences are surprisingly well-done, and the film has a dark sense of humor that will appeal to those who like their Christmas movies with a side of cynicism. However, the film’s biggest flaw is its uneven tone. It can’t quite decide whether it wants to be a full-blown action flick or a dark comedy, and it ends up feeling a bit disjointed.

It’s a twisted Christmas flick that combines action, dark humor, and a whole lot of “what the heck am I watching?” moments. Just don’t expect Santa to be spreading much goodwill—unless it’s with a side of buckshot.

Despite its flaws, “Fatman” is a unique and entertaining film that’s sure to become a cult classic. It’s not for everyone, but if you’re looking for something different this holiday season, give it a shot. Just don’t expect to see Santa and his reindeer flying through the sky anytime soon.

Starring

• Mel Gibson as Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
• Walton Goggins as Jonathan “Skinny Man” Miller
• Marianne Jean-Baptiste as Ruth Cringle

Special Effects

The special effects are minimal, but effective. The film relies more on practical effects and stunt work, which gives it a more grounded feel.

Music

The film’s score is a mix of traditional Christmas carols and more modern, action-oriented music. It’s an odd combination, but it somehow works.

Rating

3 out of 5 Bad Santa’s

Synopsis

A disillusioned and alcoholic Santa Claus (Mel Gibson) is forced to partner with the U.S. military to save his failing business. Meanwhile, a spoiled rich kid (Chance Hurstfield) hires a ruthless assassin (Walton Goggins) to kill Santa after receiving a lump of coal in his stocking. What follows is a violent and darkly comedic game of cat-and-mouse between Santa and the assassin.

Famous Quotes

1. “I’m not worried about getting on some naughty list. I’ve already been on every list there is.” – Jonathan “Skinny Man” Miller
2. “You think you’re the only one who knows how to deliver?” – Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
3. “I’m not what they say I am.” – Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
4. “It’s not about toys, it’s about work.” – Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
5. “He’s not what you think he is.” – Ruth Cringle

Notes

1. The film was shot in Canada.
2. The film’s original title was “Fatman.”
3. The film was released in theaters and on demand on November 13, 2020.
4. The film received mixed reviews from critics.
5. The film was a box office bomb, grossing only $4.3 million worldwide against a budget of $20 million.

Photos

Trailer

Holy hairspray and wooden stakes, Batman! If you thought high school was hell, try watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” from 1992. This movie is like a time capsule of early 90s fashion disasters and cheesy one-liners, sealed with a kiss of mediocrity and left to ferment in a crypt of forgotten films. But somehow, it also had a certain charm, like that one weird kid in school who everyone made fun of but secretly kind of liked. Maybe it was the nostalgia factor, or maybe it was just so bad it was good, but “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” managed to become a cult classic, despite itself.

Review by Ben Dover: When 90s Camp Meets Stake-Through-The-Heart Mediocrity
or the worst movie watching experience of my life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a good vampire flick as much as the next guy who’s been around long enough to remember when Dracula was still in black and white. But this? This is like watching a bunch of Calvin Klein models try to fight off the undead while worrying about their hair. It’s about as scary as a bowl of Count Chocula and twice as corny. This movie was like a rollercoaster ride through a dumpster fire. It was so bad, it was almost good. Almost.

Buffy’s a cheerleader who discovers she’s the “Chosen One” destined to slay vampires. Because apparently, in Hollywood’s twisted logic, the best person to save the world from bloodsucking fiends is a teenager who’s more concerned with her manicure than martial arts. Kristy Swanson, bless her heart, tried her best to portray a Valley Girl turned vampire slayer, but she ended up looking like she was lost on her way to a mall fashion show, but to be fair, she’s working with a script that has fewer dimensions than a stick figure drawing.

Then we’ve got Luke Perry as Pike, the love interest who looks like he wandered off the set of “Beverly Hills, 90210” and accidentally stumbled into a vampire nest. His chemistry with Buffy is about as sizzling as a wet firecracker, but hey, at least his hair game is strong.

We also have Donald Sutherland, what were you thinking Donald? Did you lose a bet or something? Finally we get our bad guys, Rutger Hauer as the villainous Lothos, the big bad vampire, with all the menace of a declawed kitten. He’s supposed to be this ancient, terrifying evil, but he comes across more like a reject from a community theater production of “Dracula.” And let’s not forget Paul Reubens as Amilyn, Lothos’ right-hand vamp. His death scene goes on longer than my first marriage – and trust me, that’s saying something.

The special effects were about as convincing as a three-dollar bill. The vampires looked like they’d just stepped out of a Halloween costume shop, and the fight scenes were choreographed by someone who’d clearly never been in a real fight. The music was a forgettable mishmash of generic pop tunes that sounded like they were ripped off from a bad 80s workout video. And the plot? Well, let’s just say it wasn’t exactly rocket science. Girl finds out she’s destined to kill vampires, girl reluctantly accepts her fate, girl kills vampires. The end.

But you know what? Despite all its flaws, despite dialogue that sounds like it was written by a teenager hopped up on too much Mountain Dew, despite fight scenes that have all the grace of a three-legged elephant on roller skates, this movie has a certain charm. It’s so bad, it’s almost good. Almost.

It’s like the cinematic equivalent of a mullet – business in the front, party in the back, and completely ridiculous all over. It’s got one-liners that’ll make you groan, special effects that look like they were done with Elmer’s glue and toilet paper, and a plot that’s thinner than vampire blood. But damn it if it isn’t entertaining in its own weird, campy way.

The best thing this movie has going for it is that at least it wasn’t boring. There were plenty of laughs to be had, even if most of them were unintentional. And who knows, maybe this movie paved the way for the much better TV series that came later. So, if you’re in the mood for a cheesy, campy, and completely ridiculous vampire flick, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” might just be your cup of tea. Or, you know, you could just watch paint dry. It’s probably more exciting.

In the end, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is like that embarrassing outfit you wore in high school – it seemed cool at the time, but now you look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking. It’s a relic of its time, a perfect encapsulation of early 90s cheese that’s best enjoyed with a large dose of irony and possibly a stiff drink.

So, if you’re in the mood for a vampire movie that’s about as threatening as a basket of kittens and you’ve got a high tolerance for bad puns and worse special effects, give it a whirl. Just don’t blame me if you end up questioning your life choices afterward. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sharpen my stake and prepare for the real horrors – like whatever Hollywood’s cooking up next. Get off my lawn, you bloodsucking whippersnappers!

Rating: 1/2 out of 5 stars (for the unintentional laughs)

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown:

Buffy Summers is your typical Valley Girl, obsessed with shopping, boys, and popularity. But her life takes a sharp turn when she meets Merrick, a mysterious man who informs her that she’s the “Slayer,” a chosen one destined to fight vampires. Initially, Buffy is less than thrilled about this newfound responsibility, but after a few close encounters with the undead, she starts to take her role seriously.

With Merrick’s guidance, Buffy learns how to use her slayer powers and fight off vampires. She also gets some help from Pike, a rebellious classmate who becomes her love interest. Together, they face off against Lothos, the leader of the vampires, and his minions. After a series of battles, Buffy finally defeats Lothos and saves the day, proving that even a seemingly ditzy Valley Girl can be a badass vampire slayer.

Famous Quotes:

1. “All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die.” – Buffy Summers
2. “What’s the matter? Can’t a girl get a decent cappuccino around here?” – Buffy Summers
3. “I may be dead, but I’m still pretty.” – Amilyn
4. “You’re a Slayer, Buffy. You were chosen. And you can’t escape your destiny.” – Merrick
5. “You’re not like other girls.” – Pike

Interesting Notes:

1. The film was written by Joss Whedon, who later created the much more successful TV series of the same name.
2. The movie was originally intended to be a darker, more serious take on the vampire genre, but the studio wanted a more comedic approach.
3. Ben Affleck auditioned for the role of Pike but was rejected.
4. The film was shot in just 40 days.
5. The original title of the film was “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.”

AI Photos:

Trailer:

Ahoy, Matey, This Movie Be Flotsam and Jetsam!

Review by Ben Dover: 2.5 Leaky Sailboats

Alright, folks, settle in for your grumpy grandpa movie review. Tonight’s aquatic adventure? Waterworld, a film that cost more than a small nation and sank faster than a lead zeppelin.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The visuals are somethin’ else. We’re talkin’ endless ocean with makeshift towns built on glorified lily pads. Pretty impressive, if you ignore the fact that everyone seems to be wearin’ the castoffs from a Mad Max rummage sale.

Speaking of Mad Max, our hero, the Mariner, played by Kevin Costner with all the charisma of a barnacle, is basically a watery Mad Max with gills. Dude looks like he’s spent more time fending off sharks than learning basic hygiene. Maybe that explains why he ends up babysittin’ a little moppet named Enola, who apparently holds the key to finding dry land.

Dry land, folks! Seems everyone in this watery wasteland forgot how to use a map and a compass. Bunch of millennial directionally-challenged lightweights, I tell ya.

Then there’s the villain, the Deacon, played by Dennis Hopper channeling his inner Captain Ahab with a bad case of sunstroke. He and his band of Smokers, lookin’ like extras from a rejected Village People audition, chase our heroes across the waves in their own ramshackle fleet.

The action sequences are loud, they’re splashy, but about as exciting as watching paint dry on a leaky rowboat. And don’t even get me started on the plot holes you could sail a yacht through.

Look, Waterworld isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It’s just…uninspired. Like a lukewarm bowl of clam chowder. It’s got the ingredients, but somethin’s missin’. Maybe some decent dialogue? A likable hero? A plot that doesn’t reek of recycled B-movies?

So, should you watch Waterworld? Well, if you’re stuck on a deserted island with nothin’ but a rusty antenna and a desperate need for background noise, then sure, knock yourself out. Otherwise, there’s a whole ocean of better movies out there. Just don’t blame me if you get seasick.

Final Verdict: 2.5 out of 5 stars. Mostly for the impressive sets and the unintentional comedy.

Notes:

Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 2 hours 15 minutes (There is a 3 hour version floating around)
Gross worldwide: $264,218,220
Budget: $175,000,000 (estimated)

It is rumored that director Kevin Reynolds and Kevin Costner had a huge squabble over the film, resulting in Reynolds walking off the project, and leaving Costner to take over directing and oversee editing. Reynolds was quoted as saying that “Kevin Costner should only star in movies he directs. That way, he can work with his favorite actor and favorite director.”

Kevin Costner personally invested $22 million of his own money into the film.

Kevin Costner was going through a bitter divorce during filming, which Kevin Reynolds felt probably added to his grim and somewhat unsympathetic portrayal of the Mariner.

Quotes:

Enola: He doesn’t have a name, so death can’t find him. He doesn’t have a home or people to care for. He’s not afraid of anything, men least of all. He’s fast and strong like the big wind. He can hear 100 miles and see 100 miles underwater. He can hide in the shadow of the noon sun. He can be right behind you and you wont even know it till your dead.

Deacon: If you’ll notice the arterial nature of the blood coming from the hole in my head, you can assume that we’re all having a real lousy day.

Critics Consensus:

Critics 47% Audience 43% Rotten Tomatoes

Though it suffered from toxic buzz at the time of its release, Waterworld is ultimately an ambitious misfire: an extravagant sci-fi flick with some decent moments and a lot of silly ones.

Trailer:

AI Photos: These are obviously just for fun. Powered by Fotor

Review by Ben Dover:

Batman (1989) – 4.5 Brooding Batarangs

Well, holy cinematic renaissance, Batman! Just when I thought superhero movies were deader than my first wife’s meatloaf, along comes Tim Burton’s “Batman” to prove that a man dressed as a flying rodent can indeed be taken seriously.

Michael Keaton plays Bruce Wayne/Batman, and let me tell you, this ain’t your daddy’s Adam West. Keaton’s Batman is broodier than a teenager who’s been grounded from their smartphone. He skulks around Gotham like he’s perpetually constipated, but damn if he doesn’t make it work.

Then there’s Jack Nicholson as the Joker. Sweet suffering succotash, this man chews more scenery than a termite on steroids. He prances, he dances, he kills people with novelty items – it’s like watching a homicidal Walmart greeter on acid. And I loved every minute of it.

Gotham City looks like what would happen if H.R. Giger designed a metropolitan area after a three-day bender. It’s all gothic spires and art deco nightmares – you half expect Dracula to pop up and ask for directions to the nearest blood bank.

The plot? It’s more twisted than my arthritis-riddled fingers, but who cares? We’re here for the spectacle, baby! We’ve got bat-planes, bat-mobiles, and more bat-gadgets than you can shake a utility belt at. It’s like watching James Bond in a Halloween costume.

Danny Elfman’s score hits you harder than Batman’s fist to a henchman’s face. It’s grand, it’s gothic, it’s got more brass than a Salvation Army band. You’ll be humming it for weeks, much to the annoyance of everyone around you.

Now, let’s talk about those action scenes. They’re more over-the-top than a Cirque du Soleil performance, but with 100% more explosions and leather. The final showdown atop the cathedral had me on the edge of my seat, and I haven’t been that excited since I found a quarter in my couch cushions.

Is “Batman” perfect? Nah. Kim Basinger’s Vicki Vale is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. And some of the effects are dated enough to collect social security. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. This flick’s got more style than a Milan fashion show and twice the substance.

So, if you want to see where modern superhero movies got their dark, gritty roots, give Burton’s “Batman” a watch. It’s the kind of film that grabs you by the cape, dangles you off a gargoyle, and says, “Welcome to Gotham, chump. Enjoy the ride.”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go brood in my basement and practice saying “I’m Batman” in a gravelly voice. It’s cheaper than therapy and way more fun.

Michael Keaton will always be Batman to me as he plays the haunted and lost Bruce Wayne so fantastically well that I doubt it will ever be bettered. Jack Nicholson was born to play the joker, the score is epic, the set design is wonderful.

Notes:

Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 2 hours 06 minutes
Gross worldwide: $411,569,241
Budget: $35,000,000 (estimated)

Jack Nicholson received a percentage of the gross on the film, and due to its massive box-office take, he took home around $60 million. When adjusting for inflation, this equals roughly $152 million in 2022.

Michael Keaton came up with the famous “I’m Batman” line. The line in the script was “I am the night”.

Robin Williams was offered the role of Joker when Jack Nicholson hesitated. He had even accepted the role, when producers approached Nicholson again and told him Williams would take the part if he did not. Nicholson took the role, and Williams was released. Williams resented being used as bait, and not only refused to play Riddler in Batman Forever (1995) but also refused to be involved in any Warner Bros. productions until the studio apologized. His next project with the studio would be Fathers’ Day (1997).

Tim Burton explained, “the whole film and mythology of the character is a complete duel of the freaks. It’s a fight between two disturbed people”, adding, “The Joker is such a great character because there’s a complete freedom to him. Any character who operates on the outside of society and is deemed a freak and an outcast then has the freedom to do what they want… They are the darker sides of freedom. Insanity is in some scary way the most freedom you can have, because you’re not bound by the laws of society”.

Batman creator Bob Kane drew and signed the “Batman” sketch used by reporters to tease Knox

Tim Burton has a cameo at around 1h 1 min in as one of the Joker’s goons in the museum scene.

Quotes:

The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Bruce Wayne: What?
The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just… like the sound of it.

Batman: I’m Batman.

Bruce Wayne: LIGHTS OUT! Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let’s get nuts.

The Joker: Never rub another man’s rhubarb.

The Joker: Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.

Vicki Vale: You’re insane!
Joker: I thought I was a Pisces!

The Joker: “Winged freak terrorizes”? Wait till they get a load of me!

[Joker reaches for a pair of glasses in his pocket and puts them on]
The Joker: You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?
[Batman punches him]

The Joker: Shall we dance?

Alexander Knox: Maybe it should be Bruce Vain!

Critics Consensus:

Critics 77% Audience 84% Rotten Tomatoes

An eerie, haunting spectacle, Batman succeeds as dark entertainment, even if Jack Nicholson’s Joker too often overshadows the title character

Trailer:

Photos:

AI Photos: