Prepare for a yuletide adventure that’s as naughty as it is nice! “Bad Santa 2” is back with all the raunchy humor, heartwarming moments, and outrageous characters you’ve come to expect from this twisted holiday franchise. But is it worth your time and money? Let’s find out in this candid review.

Review by Ben Dover

“Bad Santa 2” picks up where the first film left off, with our beloved alcoholic and misanthropic Santa, Willie T. Stokes (Billy Bob Thornton), back in action. This time, he’s teamed up with his trusty sidekick, Marcus (Tony Cox), to rob a charity for children on Christmas Eve. But things quickly go awry when Willie’s estranged mother, Sunny (Kathy Bates), enters the picture, adding a whole new level of chaos and dysfunction to the mix.

This movie goes a long way to proving that sometimes Hollywood can take a perfectly good movie and beat it like a rented mule. “Bad Santa 2” is what happens when studios decide that comedy is like a Christmas fruitcake – you can keep reheating it long after its expiration date.

Billy Bob Thornton returns as Willie T. Stokes, looking like he’s aged about as gracefully as my first marriage. Thirteen years after the original, Willie is still a walking disaster, but now he’s less shocking and more just… sad. It’s like watching your alcoholic uncle try to recreate his glory days at a family reunion nobody wanted to attend.

The plot, if you can call it that, involves Willie teaming up again with Marcus (Tony Cox) to rob a Chicago charity during Christmas. Because apparently, lightning can strike twice in the same thoroughly inappropriate place. Kathy Bates joins the cast as Willie’s mother, playing a criminal so terrible she makes Willie look like a boy scout. Their relationship is less “heartwarming family comedy” and more “how many felonies can we commit together?”

Brett Kelly returns as Thurman Merman, the weird kid from the first movie, now slightly older but no less bizarre. He’s like that one relative everyone in the family knows is strange but keeps inviting to Christmas dinner anyway. His continued presence is both disturbing and weirdly endearing.

Where the first “Bad Santa” felt like a razor-sharp comedy with genuine heart, this sequel feels like a photocopy of a photocopy. The jokes are louder, cruder, and somehow less funny. It’s trying so hard to shock that it forgets to actually be clever. The original movie was offensive in a way that felt brutally honest. This feels like offensive for offense’s sake.

The comedy is so forced it’s like watching your dad try to use teenage slang. Every joke is cranked up to eleven, but volume isn’t comedy. It’s just noise. The film seems to believe that more profanity and more crude behavior automatically equals more laughs. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

Thornton looks like he’s doing this purely for the paycheck. His performance lacks the raw, broken energy of the first film. He’s not so much a character as he is a collection of bad behavior clichés walking around in a Santa suit.

Bottom Line: A sequel that proves not every cult classic needs a follow-up. This is the cinematic equivalent of getting socks for Christmas – disappointing, slightly embarrassing, and something nobody actually wanted.

Rating: 2/5 Martinis (And both of these are going directly into my system before, during, and after the movie)

Fun Fact: The movie made a mere $24 million worldwide, proving that even die-hard fans of the original weren’t buying what this sequel was selling.

Budget: $26,000,000 (estimated)
Gross worldwide: $24,079,268

Memorable Quote: “I’m too old for this sh*t.” – Willie, which feels less like a line of dialogue and more like Billy Bob Thornton’s actual internal monologue along with just being outright theft.

Best Scene: Honestly? The credits rolling, signaling the end of this mess.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need several drinks to wash away the memory of this film.

Ben Dover has been advised by multiple film critic associations to stop watching holiday comedies that arrive 13 years too late. He continues to do so anyway.

Who Stars in This Mess?

• Billy Bob Thornton as Willie T. Stokes
• Tony Cox as Marcus
• Brett Kelly as Thurman
• Kathy Bates as Sunny Stokes
• Christina Hendricks as Diane

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

“Bad Santa 2” is a raunchy, barely funny film skipping it will keep the mempry of the first one in your mind much better.

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

“Bad Santa 2” follows Willie T. Stokes, a washed-up alcoholic and mall Santa, as he teams up with his partner, Marcus, to rob a charity for children on Christmas Eve. But their plans are thrown off when Willie’s estranged mother, Sunny, enters the picture. Sunny is a manipulative and abusive woman who is determined to get her hands on Willie’s money. As Christmas Eve approaches, Willie and Marcus must find a way to pull off their heist and escape Sunny’s clutches.

5 Famous Quotes from “Bad Santa 2”

1. “I’m not a bad person, I’m just a drunk with a bad attitude.”
2. “I’m not a regular Santa, I’m a cool Santa.”
3. “Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers!”
4. “I’m not going to hell, I’m going to Disneyland.”
5. “I’m not a kid anymore, I’m a grown-ass man.”

5 Interesting Notes from “Bad Santa 2”

1. The film was directed by Mark Waters, who also directed “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday.”
2. The film was NOT a box office success, grossing just barely it’s budget worldwide.
3. The film received mixed reviews from critics, but it was generally well-received by audiences.
4. The film is the second installment in the “Bad Santa” franchise.
5. The film was released on November 23, 2016.

Trailer

Reviewer Notebook:

Robbing a charity makes me hate this in the first place, pick something everyone hates and it might have worked a lot better.
Credit to Kathy Bates for nearly saving this mess.
One line I will remember from her: “If you got a problem with that take it up with the lollipop guild.”
Never thought I would see Christina Hendricks get effed against a dumpster. They should have set it on fire.

Get ready for a Christmas movie like no other! “Bad Santa” is a raunchy, irreverent, and downright hilarious film that will have you laughing until your sides hurt. This movie is not for the faint of heart, as it features foul language, crude humor, and plenty of alcohol. But if you’re looking for a unique and entertaining holiday experience, then “Bad Santa” is the perfect choice.

Review by Ben Dover

Bad Santa (2003): Finally, A Christmas Movie That Doesn’t Sugarcoat the Holidays

Listen up, you holiday-loving softies. “Bad Santa” is the most honest Christmas movie ever made. It’s like someone finally took all the fake cheer, wrapped it in cynicism, doused it in bourbon, and set it on fire. And I am here for every single profane minute of it.

The film is directed by Terry Zwigoff, who has a knack for creating quirky and offbeat films. Zwigoff’s direction is spot-on, and he perfectly captures the tone and atmosphere of the film. The film is also beautifully shot, and the cinematography is top-notch.

Billy Bob Thornton plays Willie T. Stokes, a professional mall Santa who’s about as festive as a root canal. He’s a con artist who breaks into department stores with his partner Marcus (Tony Cox) and robs them blind during the Christmas season. This isn’t your grandmother’s Santa Claus – this is Santa after a decade of therapy, alcoholism, and complete mental breakdown.

Thornton doesn’t just play Willie; he becomes the human embodiment of everything people secretly feel during the holidays. He’s drunk on the job, verbally abuses children, urinates in his Santa suit, and has more personal problems than a daytime talk show. It’s like someone looked into my soul and made a movie about it. Thornton gives a truly captivating performance, and he is perfectly cast in this role.

The kid in the movie, played by Brett Kelly, is the most pathetic, bullied child in cinema history. He’s so sad and weird that even I, a man who yells at kids to get off his lawn, felt a weird sense of sympathy. Willie accidentally becomes his protector, which is like asking a rabid raccoon to babysit – it shouldn’t work, but somehow it does.

Lauren Graham plays a bartender with a Santa fetish, which is easily the most realistic character in the entire film. Her attraction to Willie is so bizarre and specific that it actually makes perfect sense. It’s like every weird Christmas party hook-up you’ve ever heard about, but with more honesty.

What makes this movie brilliant is how it absolutely demolishes every single Christmas movie trope. Redemption? Sort of. Holiday spirit? Maybe, but not in any way you’ve seen before. This is a Christmas movie for people who hate Christmas movies, people who know the holidays are more about survival than joy.

The dark comedy is so sharp it could cut through fruitcake. Bernie Mac and John Ritter (in one of his last roles) round out a supporting cast that understands exactly how ridiculous this premise is. There are moments so wrong, so completely inappropriate, that you can’t help but laugh. It’s like watching your drunk uncle tell stories at the Christmas dinner table – horrifying, but you can’t look away.

Bottom Line: This isn’t just a movie. It’s an anti-holiday statement, a middle finger to every saccharine Christmas special ever made. Willie T. Stokes is the Santa we deserve, not the one we want. “Bad Santa” is a truly unforgettable film. It’s a film that is sure to please fans of dark comedy and independent films. I highly recommend it to anyone who is looking for a unique and entertaining holiday experience.

Rating: 4.5/5 Martinis (Half a martini deducted because someone might actually enjoy Christmas after this)

Fun Fact: The movie was so controversial that it was originally rated NC-17 and had to be edited to get a more audience-friendly rating. As if anything about this movie is audience-friendly.

Memorable Quote: “I’m gonna look at your daughter and I’m gonna see a whore.” – Willie to a concerned parent, proving that political correctness died in this movie’s first five minutes.

Best Scene: Any moment Willie is forced to actually interact with children. It’s like watching a hostage negotiation at the North Pole.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go drink some bourbon and remind myself why I stopped believing in Christmas cheer decades ago.

Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover has been banned from several mall Santas’ unions for “excessive appreciation of cinematic truth-telling.” His wife says this is a compliment.

Who Stars in This Mess?

• Billy Bob Thornton as Willie T. Stokes
• Tony Cox as Marcus
• Brett Kelly as Thurman
• Lauren Graham as Sue
• John Ritter as Gin Slagel

Special Effects, Music, and Other Stuff

The special effects in “Bad Santa” are minimal, but they are effective. The music is also good, and it helps to set the mood of the film.

Budget: $23,000,000 (estimated)
Gross worldwide: $76,490,995

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

“Bad Santa” tells the story of Willie T. Stokes, a washed-up alcoholic who takes a job as a mall Santa to rob the place on Christmas Eve. Willie and his partner, Marcus, plan to rob the mall on Christmas Eve, but their plans are thrown off when Willie befriends a young boy named Thurman. Thurman is a lonely boy who is looking for a father figure, and he sees Willie as a role model. Willie is initially reluctant to get involved with Thurman, but he eventually warms up to him. As Christmas Eve approaches, Willie begins to have second thoughts about robbing the mall. He realizes that he doesn’t want to hurt Thurman, and he also realizes that he doesn’t want to go back to his old life of crime. In the end, Willie decides to do the right thing, and he saves the mall from being robbed.

5 Famous Quotes from “Bad Santa”

1. “You’re an elf, you’re supposed to be happy.”
2. “I’m not a bad person, I’m just a drunk.”
3. “I’m not a regular Santa, I’m a cool Santa.”
4. “I’m not going to hell, I’m going to Disneyland.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers!”

5 Interesting Notes from “Bad Santa”

1. The film is based on a short story by David Sedaris.
2. The film was originally rated NC-17, but it was later re-rated R.
3. The film was a box office success, grossing over $60 million worldwide.
4. The film has a cult following, and it is often cited as one of the best Christmas movies ever made.
5. The film was nominated for several awards, including a Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Musical or Comedy.

Photos and Trailer

Reviewer Notebook:

Billy Bob is born for this role.
Chocolate Snot might be the sickest thing I have ever seen in a movie
Santa’s wife’s sister recurring bit is hilarious
“You People” bit is also hilarious
I just love them making a fucked up Christmas for the kid.
WTF They shot unarmed Santa in the back

LOVE this movie… the honest reason for the 4.5 is that a lot of times I felt more pity for Willie than Anything and I still really cant place why… Watching Bad Santa 2 fixed that for me though.

Review by Ben Dover

The Christmas Chronicles (2018): A Netflix Holiday Cash Grab That Actually Doesn’t Completely Suck

Rating: 4.5/5 Martinis (One drink reserved for Kurt Russell, who saves this entire mess)

Look, I’ve seen more Christmas movies than I’ve had hot dinners, and most modern holiday films make me want to drink enough eggnog to forget they exist. But “The Christmas Chronicles” – somehow – isn’t a total disaster. And it’s almost entirely because of Kurt Russell, who plays Santa Claus like he just stepped out of a biker bar after three whiskey shots.

Kurt Russell as Santa is like if your coolest uncle decided to moonlight as Christmas’s most badass delivery driver. He’s not your typical milk-and-cookies Santa. This Santa looks like he could solve global warming with a roundhouse kick and has definitely been in a bar fight or twelve. Russell plays him with more swagger than most action heroes, which is saying something for a guy who’s supposed to be delivering presents to children.

The plot follows two kids, Kate and Pier Pierce, who catch Santa in the act and accidentally mess up his Christmas Eve run. Sounds like the setup for every bad family movie since 1985, right? But here’s the shocking part – it’s actually kind of entertaining. The kids aren’t those sickeningly perfect child actors who look like they’ve been assembled in some Disney laboratory. They feel like real, slightly annoying siblings who might actually exist.

Darby Camp and Judah Lewis play Kate and Pier, and they’ve got more chemistry than most adult actors I’ve seen. When they accidentally cause Santa to crash and destroy his magical sleigh, you can actually believe these knuckleheads would do something that monumentally stupid. It’s like watching my own grandkids, minus the potential property damage.

The special effects are surprisingly decent for a Netflix movie. Santa’s workshop looks like what would happen if an Apple Store and a Christmas card had a baby. The elves are CGI creations that don’t make me want to gouge my eyes out, which is a Christmas miracle in itself. They move with this weird combination of efficiency and slapstick that actually works.

There’s a sequence where Santa and the kids end up in jail that is so ridiculous, so completely bonkers, that I found myself actually laughing. Santa doing a musical number in a prison? In any other movie, I’d be rolling my eyes. Here, Kurt Russell makes it work through sheer force of charisma. The man could read a phone book and make it entertaining.

The movie also has the good sense not to take itself too seriously. It knows it’s a ridiculous premise and leans into the absurdity. When Santa starts explaining the logistics of Christmas Eve delivery like he’s presenting a complicated military operation, I was sold.

Now, it’s not perfect. There are moments that are cheesier than a Wisconsin dairy farm. The message about believing in family and Christmas spirit is laid on thicker than the gravy at Thanksgiving dinner. But compared to most modern Christmas movies that feel like they were written by an algorithm, this thing has actual heart.

Bottom Line: A Christmas movie that doesn’t make me want to retire to a tropical island and never look at another snowflake. Kurt Russell saves what could have been another forgettable Netflix holiday special.

Fun Fact: Kurt Russell apparently based his Santa on Elvis Presley and a bit of his own father, Bing Russell. Which explains why this Santa looks like he could headline a rock concert and fix your car transmission, all before delivering presents.

Memorable Quote: “I’ve been doing this for over 1,000 years. I think I know what I’m doing.” – Santa, proving that confidence is 90% of any job.

Best Scene: Santa in jail, hands down. It’s like “Orange is the New North Pole.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go tell my grandkids that Santa is definitely NOT as cool as Kurt Russell. They won’t believe me, but it’s worth a shot.

Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover has been asked by his family to please stop critiquing Christmas movies. He continues to do so anyway.

Stars in the movie:

• Kurt Russell as Santa Claus
• Judah Lewis as Teddy Claus
• Darby Camp as Kate Claus
• Goldie Hawn as Mrs. Claus

Special Effects:

The special effects were the best part of this movie. The sleigh ride scene was fun to watch, and the elves were cute.

Music:

The music was amazing. Seeing Kurt Russell having a blast singing with basically the whole E-street band was a lot of fun!

Rating:

I would give this movie 5 out of 5 stars. One of the best straight up Christmas movies I have seen

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

The movie starts with two siblings, Teddy and Kate Claus, who are excited for Christmas. They are waiting for Santa Claus to arrive, but he never shows up. Instead, they find a crashed sleigh and a group of elves who are looking for Santa. The siblings decide to help the elves find Santa and save Christmas.

Along the way, they meet a lot of interesting characters, including a mischievous elf named Belsnickel and a group of reindeer who are trying to get back to the North Pole. They also have to deal with a group of criminals who are trying to steal Santa’s magic.

In the end, the siblings are able to find Santa and save Christmas. They also learn the true meaning of Christmas.

5 Famous Quotes from the Movie:

1. “I’m not a regular dad. I’m a cool dad.” – Santa Claus
2. “I’m not a regular elf. I’m a cool elf.” – Belsnickel
3. “Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!” – Santa Claus
4. “I’m not a regular reindeer. I’m a cool reindeer.” – Blitzen
5. “I’m not a regular kid. I’m a cool kid.” – Teddy Claus

5 Interesting Facts about the Movie:

1. This movie is the first Netflix original Christmas movie.
2. Kurt Russell’s son Wyatt Russell also stars in this movie.
3. The movie was filmed in Vancouver, Canada.
4. The movie was released on Netflix on November 22, 2018.
5. The movie has a runtime of 1 hour and 53 minutes.

Trailer:

The Christmas Chronicles 2

Netflix also released a sequel to their 2018 Christmas movie “The Christmas Chronicles.” The new film, “The Christmas Chronicles 2,” follows Kate Pierce as she teams up with Santa Claus to save Christmas after a mischievous elf (Belsnickel or Andy as we like to call him.) threatens to cancel it. The movie is directed by Chris Columbus and stars Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, and Darby Camp.

Review by Ben Dover

The Christmas Chronicles 2 (2020): A Sequel That Somehow Doesn’t Completely Crater

Rating: 3.5/5 Martinis (One extra drink for Kurt Russell’s continued commitment to this nonsense)

Just when I thought Hollywood had run out of Christmas movie ideas faster than my grandson runs out of patience during family dinners, along comes “The Christmas Chronicles 2” – a sequel that has absolutely no right to be as watchable as it is.

Kurt Russell returns as Santa Claus, proving once again that he’s the only reason this franchise hasn’t been tossed into the cinematic garbage disposal like most Netflix holiday movies. This time, he’s protecting the North Pole from a disgruntled former elf named Belsnickel, played by Julian Dennison, who looks like he wandered in from a completely different movie and decided to cause some chaos.

The kid from the first movie, Teddy Pierce (Judah Lewis), is now a teenager – which means he’s precisely as annoying as every teenage boy in human history. His sister Kate (Darby Camp) returns, this time getting dragged into another Christmas adventure that would make most parents call child protective services. They end up at the North Pole after being magically transported by Belsnickel, who’s basically the Christmas version of a disgruntled IT employee with a grudge.

Goldie Hawn joins Russell this time as Mrs. Claus, proving that Hollywood’s most adorable couple can make even the most ridiculous Christmas plot semi-believable. She brings a warmth to the role that makes you forget you’re watching a movie about magical elves and Christmas sabotage. It’s like watching your favorite aunt who always brings the best pie to Thanksgiving, except this aunt can apparently save Christmas.

The North Pole looks like what would happen if IKEA designed a winter wonderland. The elves are still those CGI creatures that somehow manage to be both cute and slightly terrifying – like my neighbor’s chihuahua. There’s a whole sequence involving the elves defending their homeland that’s more elaborate than most war movies I’ve seen. These aren’t your grandpa’s cute little Christmas helpers; these are more like a tactical Christmas special forces unit.

Belsnickel is basically the IT guy who got fired and decided to take revenge on the entire Christmas operation. Julian Dennison plays him with this perfect mix of comedic anger and genuine threat. He’s like that one relative at family gatherings who’s always complaining about something but is somehow still invited back.

The special effects have improved from the first movie, which isn’t saying much but is definitely something. There are flying sequences that don’t look like they were made on someone’s laptop during their lunch break. The magical transportation scenes are actually kind of fun, which is more than I can say for most modern CGI spectacles.

Bottom Line: A sequel that doesn’t completely embarrass the original is about as rare as a family gathering without an argument. Kurt Russell continues to be the saving grace of modern Christmas cinema.

Fun Fact: Kurt Russell apparently does his own stunts as Santa, which is either the most dedicated performance in Christmas movie history or a sign that he’s lost his mind. Maybe both.

Memorable Quote: “I’ve been doing this for a thousand years. I think I know what I’m doing.” – Santa, which is basically what I tell my grandkids every time they try to “help” me with technology.

Best Scene: The elf defense sequence, which is more strategic than most actual military operations I’ve seen in documentaries.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go tell my family that if they ever try to sabotage Christmas, they’ll have to deal with Kurt Russell. That ought to keep them in line.

Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover has been asked by his family to please stop comparing real-life events to Christmas movies. He continues to do so anyway.

Stars in the movie:

• Goldie Hawn as Mrs. Claus
• Kurt Russell as Santa Claus
• Darby Camp as Kate Pierce
• Judah Lewis as Teddy Pierce
• Julian Dennison as Belsnickel

Special Effects:

The special effects were the best part of this movie. The sleigh ride scene was fun to watch, and the elves were cute.

Music:

The music was again fun with Kurt hamming it up with Patti Labelle this time.

Rating:

I would give this movie 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

The movie starts with Kate Pierce, now a cynical teenager, who is reunited with Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. They are soon joined by a mischievous elf named Belsnickel, who is trying to cancel Christmas. Kate and Santa must work together to stop Belsnickel and save Christmas.

Along the way, they meet a lot of interesting characters, including a group of elves who are trying to get back to the North Pole and a group of reindeer who are being held captive by Belsnickel. They also have to deal with a group of criminals who are trying to steal Santa’s magic.

In the end, Kate and Santa are able to stop Belsnickel and save Christmas. They also learn the true meaning of Christmas.

5 Famous Quotes from the Movie:

1. “I’m not a regular dad. I’m a cool dad.” – Santa Claus
2. “I’m not a regular elf. I’m a cool elf.” – Belsnickel
3. “Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!” – Santa Claus
4. “I’m not a regular reindeer. I’m a cool reindeer.” – Blitzen
5. “I’m not a regular kid. I’m a cool kid.” – Teddy Claus

5 Interesting Facts about the Movie:

1. This movie is the second Netflix original Christmas movie.
2. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn star in this movie together for the first time since 1987’s “Overboard.”
3. The movie was filmed in Vancouver, Canada.
4. The movie was released on Netflix on November 22, 2020.
5. The movie has a runtime of 1 hour and 55 minutes.

Review by Ben Dover:
Rating: 3/5 Martinis (I needed extra drinks to swallow the plot holes)

Home Alone 2 follows the same basic formula as its predecessor. Kevin, left behind by his family on Christmas Eve, finds himself stranded in New York City. While navigating the big city, he encounters a pair of bumbling burglars, Harry and Marv, who are determined to rob a toy store. Kevin, using his ingenuity and a plethora of booby traps, sets out to foil their plans and save the day.

If the first “Home Alone” was a Christmas miracle, this sequel is like finding coal in your stocking – not terrible, but you know somebody’s just going through the motions. It’s 1992, and apparently, the McCallister family STILL hasn’t learned about basic headcounting or possibly investing in some child tracking devices.

This time, our pint-sized sadist Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) doesn’t get left at home – oh no, that would be too obvious. Instead, he gets on the wrong plane and ends up in New York City, which in 1992 was about as family-friendly as my ex-wife at an alimony hearing. Instead of ending up dead in an alley (which would’ve been a much shorter movie), Kevin checks into the Plaza Hotel with his father’s credit card. And people say kids today don’t have life skills.

The Plaza Hotel scenes feature a young Donald Trump in a cameo that aged about as well as my first marriage. But the real star is Tim Curry as the hotel concierge, who suspects Kevin is up to no good. Curry plays the role like he’s auditioning for a Broadway show about suspicious hotel staff, and it’s glorious.

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern return as Harry and Marv, now calling themselves the “Sticky Bandits” instead of the “Wet Bandits” because apparently, criminal rebranding is a thing. These two must have the same medical insurance as Wile E. Coyote because they endure even MORE physical trauma than in the first movie. We’re talking bricks to the face, electrocution, and a fall that would’ve turned normal humans into sidewalk pizza. Either they’re secretly superhuman, or this movie takes place in the same universe as “Unbreakable.”

The violence in this one makes the first movie look like “Sesame Street.” Kevin has clearly evolved from home defender to future serial killer, creating traps that would make Jigsaw from “Saw” take notes. There’s something deeply disturbing about watching a child gleefully inflict near-fatal injuries while Christmas music plays in the background. It’s like “Die Hard” for the juice box crowd.

Catherine O’Hara returns as Kevin’s mom, once again proving that the McCallisters are the worst travelers since the Donner Party. She spends the movie running around New York like a caffeinated squirrel, which is actually a pretty accurate portrayal of most tourists in Manhattan.

The movie does have its moments. The scene in the toy store (Duncan’s Toy Chest) captures some genuine Christmas magic, right before Kevin turns the city into his personal torture chamber. And I’ll admit, watching Kevin outsmart the hotel staff is more entertaining than it should be, probably because I’ve had similar fantasies about outsmarting my credit card company.

Bottom Line: It’s like when your kid asks you to tell the same bedtime story again – you know it won’t be as good as the first time, but you go along with it anyway. It’s bigger, louder, and more violent than the original, kind of like my second wife.

Fun Fact: This movie made $359 million worldwide, proving that lightning can strike twice, especially if you’re carrying a car battery through a flooded basement.

Memorable Quote: “Down the hall and to the left.” – Donald Trump, delivering what might be the most honest directions ever given to a lost child in New York.

Best Scene: When the bird lady teaches Kevin about second chances, right before he goes back to committing multiple felony assaults. Nothing says “Christmas spirit” quite like emotional whiplash.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go cancel my credit cards before my grandkids figure out how to book themselves into the Four Seasons.

Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover has been banned from the Plaza Hotel for asking too many questions about their security protocols. His wife says he’s no longer allowed to watch movies involving precocious children or creative uses of tools.

Synopsis: Home Alone 2 follows the story of Kevin McCallister, a young boy who is accidentally left behind by his family on Christmas Eve. This time, instead of being home alone, Kevin finds himself stranded in New York City. While navigating the big city, he encounters a pair of bumbling burglars, Harry and Marv, who are determined to rob a toy store. Kevin, using his ingenuity and a plethora of booby traps, sets out to foil their plans and save the day.

Plot Breakdown: The film begins with the McCallisters preparing for their Christmas vacation in Florida. However, in the midst of the chaos, Kevin accidentally boards the wrong plane and ends up in New York City. Left to fend for himself, Kevin checks into the Plaza Hotel and encounters a variety of eccentric characters, including the eccentric Mr. Duncan and the kind-hearted pigeon lady. Meanwhile, Harry and Marv, having just escaped from prison, are planning to rob a toy store on Christmas Eve. Kevin, unaware of their plans, befriends a group of pigeons and uses them to spy on the burglars. As Christmas Eve approaches, Kevin sets up a series of elaborate booby traps throughout the hotel to foil Harry and Marv’s plans. With the help of his newfound friends and his own ingenuity, Kevin manages to outsmart the burglars and save the day, just in time for Christmas.

5 Famous Quotes from Home Alone 2:

• “Keep the change, ya filthy animal!” – Kevin McCallister
• “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?” – Kevin McCallister
• “I’m not a kid, I’m a man with a plan!” – Kevin McCallister
• “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!” – Kevin McCallister
• “I’m not alone, I’ve got my friends.” – Kevin McCallister

5 Interesting Notes from Home Alone 2:

• The film was originally titled Home Alone 2: Kevin in New York.
• The film was shot on location in New York City, including the Plaza Hotel and Central Park.
• The film features a cameo appearance by Donald Trump, who plays himself.
• The film was a box office success, grossing over $359 million worldwide.
• The film was nominated for two Academy Awards, for Best Original Score and Best Sound Editing.

Trailer:

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York Trailer

Resourceful Kevin sets up elaborate booby traps throughout the house to thwart the burglars. Harry and Marv fall victim to one trap after another, suffering comical injuries and setbacks. Meanwhile, Kevin’s mother, Kate, realizes her son has been left behind and frantically tries to get back to him.

Kevin eventually encounters his elderly neighbor, Marley, who is rumored to be a serial killer. They form an unlikely bond, and Marley helps Kevin realize the importance of family. In the end, the burglars are apprehended, Kevin is reunited with his family, and he learns a valuable lesson about appreciating loved ones.

Review by Ben Dover:
Rating: 4/5 Martinis (One martini deducted for making me sympathize with burglars)

Here’s a movie that somehow turned child abandonment and aggravated assault into family entertainment. And you know what? It works better than my second marriage. “Home Alone” is what you’d get if “Die Hard” and “Dennis the Menace” had a baby and left it to fend for itself – which is exactly what happens in this film.

Let’s be honest, the premise is ridiculous. A family of what, twenty people, and not ONE notices little Kevin’s missing until they’re halfway across the Atlantic? And let’s not even get started on the intelligence level of these burglars. Marv, with his iron-clad skull, should be a walking concussion, and Harry… well, let’s just say he wouldn’t find his own head with both hands and a map.

But here’s the thing, despite all its flaws, “Home Alone” is undeniably entertaining. Macaulay Culkin, with his cherubic face and mischievous grin, is the perfect blend of adorable and annoying. You can’t help but root for the little guy as he outsmarts the crooks with his Rube Goldberg-esque traps. And let’s face it, the slapstick comedy, however absurd, delivers some genuinely funny moments. Who can forget the iconic iron-to-the-face scene or Harry’s encounter with a tarantula?

MaCaulay plays Kevin McCallister, a smart-mouthed kid who makes my grandchildren look like angels (and believe me, they’re not). When his family accidentally leaves him behind while rushing off to Paris for Christmas (something that would get you arrested faster than my ex-wife’s driving), Kevin lives out every kid’s dream and every parent’s nightmare. Though honestly, after watching this kid’s family, particularly that jerk uncle of his, I’m thinking he got the better end of the deal.

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern play the “Wet Bandits,” two burglars who make the Three Stooges look like criminal masterminds. These guys endure more physical trauma than a crash test dummy at a monster truck rally. Watching them get tortured by this pint-sized Rambo is like watching slapstick comedy directed by the Marquis de Sade. Pesci, who had just finished filming “Goodfellas,” had to replace his usual colorful vocabulary with “fridging” this and “fridging” that. It’s like watching your drunk uncle try to behave at a kindergarten graduation.

Catherine O’Hara plays Kevin’s mother, who realizes halfway to Paris that she left something important behind – no, not her passport, just her youngest child. Her mad dash to get home is like watching my first wife trying to get to a shoe sale, except with slightly less property damage.

John Hughes wrote this thing, proving he understood suburban warfare as well as he understood teenage angst. And Chris Columbus directed it like he was trying to create a live-action cartoon, which is exactly what it is. The whole thing is about as realistic as my hairpiece, but that’s not the point.

What makes this movie work is that it taps into every kid’s fantasy of being in charge and every parent’s secret fear that their kid might actually be better off without them (don’t pretend you haven’t thought it). Kevin doesn’t just survive; he thrives. He grocery shops, does laundry, and sets up elaborate torture devices that would make the Pentagon jealous. Meanwhile, I still can’t get my grandkids to pick up their socks.

The security measures this eight-year-old comes up with are more elaborate than anything protecting Fort Knox. Hot irons to the face, blowtorches to the head, tar and feathers – it’s like “America’s Funniest Home Videos” meets the Geneva Convention. And let’s be honest, we’re all rooting for the kid to inflict as much damage as possible. What does that say about us as a society? Don’t answer that.

Now, I’m not saying it’s a masterpiece. The sentimental stuff is laid on thicker than Aunt Marge’s Christmas fruitcake, and some of the gags are about as subtle as a brick through a window. But hey, it’s a Christmas movie! You’re supposed to turn off your brain and enjoy the silly ride. Just try not to think too hard about the long-term psychological damage inflicted on those poor burglars.

Bottom Line: Despite my better judgment (and several concerned letters from child protective services), I have to admit this movie is a classic. It’s completely ridiculous, totally implausible, and more fun than watching my neighbor try to parallel park his RV.

Fun Fact: This movie made over $470 million worldwide, proving that nothing sells tickets like watching two grown men get repeatedly assaulted by household items. The insurance premiums for the sequel must have been higher than my blood pressure.

Best Scene: The aftershave scene. That scream became the universal symbol for regrettable decisions, like my third marriage or that time I tried to fix my own plumbing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make sure my house is properly booby-trapped for the next time my grandkids visit. I’m kidding, FBI agents who might be reading this.

Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover has been banned from three different hardware stores for asking too many detailed questions about recreating Kevin’s traps. His wife has hidden all the paint cans.

Quotes:

Memorable Quote: “This is my house, I have to defend it!” – Kevin McCallister, future attorney for the NRA.

1. “Keep the change, ya filthy animal.”
2. “Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof!”
3. “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.”
4. “Look what you did, you little jerk!”

Notes:

1. The movie was filmed almost entirely in Chicago, Illinois.
2. The tarantula that Harry encounters was real.
3. The “Old Man Marley” character was based on a real-life experience writer John Hughes had as a child.
4. The film was the highest-grossing live-action comedy of all time until it was surpassed by “The Hangover Part II” in 2011.
5. Macaulay Culkin received a Golden Globe nomination for his performance.

Trailer:

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid!
A Yuletide Throwback: Ben Dover Revisits the Holiday Classic

Greetings, you holiday heathens! It’s your resident film cynic, Ben Dover, back to spread some Christmas “cheer” (or at least, my own unique brand of grumbling) with a look at the supposed holiday classic, “A Christmas Story.” Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ben, you old Scrooge, how can you possibly have anything bad to say about this beloved festive film?” Well, buckle up, buttercup, because I’m about to unleash a tidal wave of bah humbug on this overrated Christmas carol.

Released in 1983, “A Christmas Story” takes us back to the 1940s, following the wintry escapades of young Ralphie Parker and his dysfunctional family. Ralphie’s sole Christmas wish is to receive an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, but he’s met with the same tired response from every adult: “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!” Now, I’m not saying I condone giving firearms to children, but come on, a little BB gun never hurt anyone… much. Anyway, join me as I dissect this holiday “classic” and expose it for the overrated, saccharine-sweet, nostalgia-fest that it is.

Review by Ben Dover

Alright, let’s get this over with. “A Christmas Story” is the cinematic equivalent of a fruitcake: overly sweet, full of unwanted nuts, and nobody actually likes it as much as they pretend to. The whole movie revolves around this kid’s obsession with a BB gun, which, let’s be honest, is pretty pathetic. I had a whole arsenal of toys by the time I was Ralphie’s age: a slingshot, a bow and arrow, even a homemade potato cannon. This kid’s out here begging for a glorified pea shooter? What a loser.

Peter Billingsley plays Ralphie Parker, a kid who wants a Red Ryder BB gun more than I want these neighborhood kids to stop throwing their bikes on my lawn. His performance is perfect because he actually acts like a real kid instead of one of those Disney Channel robots we get nowadays who all look like they’re auditioning for a tooth whitening commercial.

And don’t even get me started on the Old Man. He’s a grumpy, foul-mouthed oaf who spends most of his time battling the furnace and yelling at the Bumpus hounds. His vocabulary consists mostly of grunts and obscenities, and his idea of a good time is fiddling with that infernal leg lamp. I’m surprised the whole house didn’t burn down with that fire hazard in the window.

The thing that makes this movie so popular though, is that it gets all the little details right. The tongue stuck to the flagpole? Been there. Getting a crummy present from your aunt? Got the scars to prove it. That department store Santa who treats kids like they’re invading soldiers? Still having nightmares. The pink bunny pajamas? Okay, mine were actually footie pajamas with cowboys on them, but the trauma is the same.

The narration by Jean Shepherd (who wrote the story this is based on) is like having your slightly buzzed uncle tell you stories at Christmas dinner, but actually entertaining. His voice-over work should be taught in film schools, if they’re not too busy teaching kids how to make movies about their feelings with their phones. He’s got a dry wit and a knack for storytelling that almost makes this whole ordeal bearable. Almost. But even his charm can’t save this film from its own mediocrity. It’s a predictable, sentimental slog that relies on cheap nostalgia and over-the-top slapstick to elicit a few forced chuckles.

So, there you have it. “A Christmas Story” is a holiday humbug. If you’re looking for a truly festive film experience, stick to the classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “Miracle on 34th Street.” At least those movies don’t make me want to shove a candy cane where the sun don’t shine.

However, this is still the Christmas movie all other modern Christmas movies wish they could be. It’s like catching lightning in a bottle, if lightning was made of childhood memories and casual swearing. And unlike most holiday classics, it actually gets better with age, kind of like my attitude problem.

Special Effects: Minimal. Unless you count the Bumpus hounds’ drool as a special effect.

Music: Forgettable. Though the film’s theme song is somewhat catchy, in an annoyingly repetitive kind of way.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover once got his tongue stuck to a frozen pole in 1972 and still refuses to lick anything colder than room temperature. His wife says this explains a lot about their marriage.

Synopsis

“A Christmas Story” follows the misadventures of Ralphie Parker, a young boy growing up in the 1940s. Ralphie’s sole desire for Christmas is to receive a Red Ryder BB gun, but he’s met with resistance from his parents, teacher, and even Santa Claus, who all warn him, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”

Throughout the film, Ralphie navigates the trials and tribulations of childhood, including schoolyard bullies, a triple-dog dare to lick a frozen flagpole, and his father’s obsession with a gaudy leg lamp. In the end, Ralphie does receive his coveted BB gun, but his Christmas morning doesn’t go exactly as planned.

Plot Breakdown

1. Ralphie becomes obsessed with a Red Ryder BB gun and embarks on a campaign to convince his parents to buy it for him.
2. Ralphie encounters various obstacles in his quest for the BB gun, including his mother’s disapproval, his teacher’s admonishment, and Santa Claus’s dismissive “You’ll shoot your eye out!”
3. The Old Man wins a “major award” – a leg lamp shaped like a woman’s leg – which he proudly displays in the front window.
4. Ralphie and his friends face off against the neighborhood bullies, Scut Farkus and Grover Dill.
5. Ralphie gets his tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole after accepting a triple-dog dare.
6. On Christmas morning, Ralphie receives his Red Ryder BB gun (much to his mother’s dismay).
7. Ralphie’s first shot with the BB gun ricochets and breaks his glasses, leading him to believe he’s shot his eye out.
8. The film concludes with Ralphie drifting off to sleep on Christmas night, reflecting on the day’s events.

Famous Quotes

1. “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”
2. “Fra-gee-lay. It must be Italian!”
3. “I triple-dog-dare ya!”
4. “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”
5. “Oh fudge!” (though Ralphie actually says a different word)

Starring:

• Peter Billingsley as Ralphie Parker: The BB gun-obsessed protagonist.
• Melinda Dillon as Mother Parker: The stereotypical doting mother.
• Darren McGavin as The Old Man: A grumpy, foul-mouthed curmudgeon.

Notes

1. The film is based on the semi-autobiographical short stories of Jean Shepherd.
2. The leg lamp was inspired by a Nehi Soda advertisement.
3. The Bumpus hounds were played by a pair of bloodhounds named “Plaid” and “Duke.”
4. The film was shot in Cleveland, Ohio, and Toronto, Ontario.
5. “A Christmas Story” was not a box office success upon its initial release but has since become a beloved holiday classic.

Release date: November 18, 1983
Director: Bob Clark
Story by: Jean Shepherd
Distributed by: Warner Bros., Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
Adapted from: In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash
Box office: $19.2 million

Trailer

Review by Ben Dover
Rating: 4.5/5 Martinis (I’m still drinking, but this time it’s to celebrate)

Look, I’ve seen enough Christmas movies to make Santa himself go into early retirement, but “Christmas Vacation” is the rare holiday film that actually gets it right. It’s like finding out your mother-in-law’s not coming for Christmas dinner – a genuine miracle.

Chevy Chase is hilarious as Clark W. Griswold, the world’s most determined family man since Ward Cleaver, but with none of the common sense. Chase, who’s usually about as subtle as a kick to the chestnuts, perfectly captures the manic desperation of a man trying to create the perfect family Christmas. It’s like watching my neighbor Steve try to outdo everyone’s Christmas lights display, but funnier and with less chance of a power grid failure. Beverly D’Angelo is also great as Clark’s wife, Ellen who deserves sainthood for putting up with his shenanigans. She’s always the voice of reason in a movie that has about as much reason as a caffeinated squirrel. Speaking of squirrels, that Christmas tree scene still makes me laugh harder than watching my neighbor Steve fall off his roof while hanging lights last year.

The genius of this movie is that it knows exactly what Christmas with family is really like. You’ve got Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) showing up unannounced in his RV, emptying his chemical toilet into the storm drain – which is exactly what the holidays feel like sometimes. And before you ask, yes, I have a Cousin Eddie in my family. We all do. If you think you don’t, you ARE the Cousin Eddie.

The supporting cast is perfect, from the snooty neighbors (who remind me of the jerks who keep complaining about my lawn) to the ancient aunt who wraps up her cat as a present. Julia Louis-Dreyfus plays one of the neighbors, years before she’d go on to “Seinfeld” and make way more money than I’ll ever see in my lifetime.

What makes this movie work is that it captures everything horrible about Christmas – the family tensions, the pressure to create perfect memories, the impossible expectations – and makes you laugh at all of it. When Clark finally loses it and goes on his bonus rant, I stood up and applauded in the theater back in ’89. My wife still hasn’t forgiven me for spilling my popcorn on the lady in front of us.

The slapstick is actually funny (unlike today’s movies where people just get hit in the groin for 90 minutes), the one-liners are quotable (“Sister, when you’re going to put on your robe?” still kills me), and the sentiment, when it comes, feels earned instead of shoved down your throat like that fruitcake nobody wants.

Sure, there are some parts that wouldn’t fly today. Cousin Eddie alone would trigger more Twitter outrage than a politician at a duck hunting contest. But that’s part of its charm. It’s like that ugly Christmas sweater your aunt gave you – inappropriate, but somehow perfect.

Bottom Line: This is the Christmas movie for people who hate Christmas movies. It’s like looking into a mirror of your own holiday disasters, but funnier and with less property damage. Watch it with your family, especially the ones you want to strangle with tinsel. You’ll feel better knowing the Griswolds have it worse. Overall, I highly recommend “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” It’s a hilarious and heartwarming film that is perfect for the holiday season.

Now excuse me while I go outside and make sure my own Christmas lights aren’t attracting aircraft.

Ben “Get Off My Lawn” Dover still holds the record for longest continuous string of Christmas light-related profanity in Connecticut (1992). His wife reports he watches this movie every year while muttering “That’s exactly what happened to me” under his breath.

Cast

• Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold
• Beverly D’Angelo as Ellen Griswold
• Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie
• Juliette Lewis as Audrey Griswold
• Johnny Galecki as Rusty Griswold
• John Candy as Uncle Buck
• Brian Doyle-Murray as Todd Griswold
• Diane Ladd as Aunt Bethany
• Doris Roberts as Aunt Norma
• Ian Roberts as Cousin Bill
• Julianne Roberts as Cousin Cathy
• Alex Morris as Cousin Billy
• Oksana Grigorieva as Cousin Olga
• Catherine O’Hara as Mrs. Stone
• Paul Gleason as Mr. Shirley

Best Special Effects

• The scene where Clark electrocutes himself
• The scene where the Griswold family’s Christmas lights go haywire
• The scene where Cousin Eddie’s RV breaks down

Music

• “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams
• “Jingle Bells” by James Lord Pierpont
• “Silent Night” by Franz Gruber
• “O Come, All Ye Faithful” by John Francis Wade
• “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” by Thomas Riley

Memorable Quote: “When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.” – Clark Griswold, speaking for frustrated dads everywhere.

6 More Famous Quotes from “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

1. “Cousin Eddie, you’re such a slob!” – Clark Griswold
2. “I’m gonna get that turkey!” – Clark Griswold
3. “Shiner! Shiner! Shiner!” – Cousin Eddie
4. “I’m not a bad guy. I just do bad things.” – Clark Griswold
5. “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!” – Clark Griswold
6. “Merry Christmas… Kiss my ass.” – Clark Griswold

5 Interesting Facts about “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

1. The film was originally going to be called “National Lampoon’s Christmas Blues.”
2. The film was shot on a budget of $27 million. (Probably less than what Clark’s electric bill would have been in real life.
3. The film was a box office success, grossing over $171 million worldwide.
4. The film was nominated for a People’s Choice Award for Favorite Comedic Movie.
5. The film is now a cult classic and is enjoyed by millions of people every year.

Review Notes:

I love the cute cartoon opening
Chevy is really kind of a old fashioned misogynist jerk here, ogling tits like he has never seen a pair and jeez his wife has the best pair in the business.
Now THIS movie is basically slapstick!
Randy Quaid is amazing in this.
Bad green screen in the sledscene

Trailer

Review by Ben Dover:
Rating: 2.5/5 Martinis (Because that’s what I needed to get through this)

Look, I’ve been reviewing movies since before Bill Murray had gray hair, and I’ve seen “A Christmas Carol” adapted more times than I’ve had hot dinners. But 1988’s “Scrooged” really takes the fruitcake when it comes to missing the point of Dickens’ classic tale.

Murray plays Frank Cross, a TV executive who’s about as warm and cuddly as my ex-wife’s lawyer. The movie tries to modernize the Scrooge story by setting it in the cutthroat world of television, which is about as original as reheating leftover turkey. Murray, who I usually enjoy more than my morning bourbon, seems to be doing his “Ghostbusters” schtick minus the charm. It’s like watching your uncle try to be cool at a Christmas party – painful, but you can’t look away.

The special effects look like they were done by the same folks who make those cheap commercials for local furniture stores. The Ghost of Christmas Past is a cab driver who probably learned his trade in New York City, given how violently he drives through Frank’s memories. The Ghost of Christmas Present is Carol Kane, who beats Murray senseless with various household objects this was my personal favorite thing to happen in this turkey. Very festive. Just what Dickens had in mind, I’m sure.

Now, I’ll admit there are moments where this turkey actually takes flight. Murray has a few scenes where he reminds us why he’s Bill Murray and not some hack from a sitcom. And Karen Allen (who I had a crush on since Raiders of the Lost Ark – don’t tell my wife) brings some actual heart to this cynical cash grab. But these moments are rarer than a quiet teenager at the mall. I feel bad because I know that I wasn’t supposed to be rooting for Bobcat, but I was.

The finale, where Murray’s character has his big emotional breakthrough, goes on longer than a DMV line. He literally breaks the fourth wall and starts preaching to the audience about the spirit of Christmas. Kid, I get my sermons at church, not from a guy who made “Meatballs.”

The movie’s message about the soulless nature of television is about as subtle as a punch in the face from the Ghost of Christmas Present (which actually happens in the film – several times). It’s like being lectured about healthy eating by Ronald McDonald.

The music is great though save one horrible cover that awful cover of “Put a Little Love in Your Heart” that plays at the end. It’s the kind of song that makes you wish the Ghost of Christmas Future would take you right then and there. I really hated the talking to the audience though as it was just stupid on streaming. The film features a number of classic Christmas songs, as well as some original compositions by Danny Elfman.

Bottom line: Is “Scrooged” the worst Christmas movie ever made? No, that honor still belongs to “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” Is it worth watching? Maybe after a few eggnogs, or if you’re stuck at your in-laws’ house and the remote is broken. Murray saves it from being a complete disaster, but just barely.

At least it’s better than those Hallmark Christmas movies my wife watches. Those things are scarier than any ghost Charles Dickens ever dreamed up.

Fun Fact: The budget for this movie was $32 million – apparently, most of it went to Murray’s salary and whatever they were smoking when they wrote the script.

Cast:

• Bill Murray as Frank Cross
• Karen Allen as Claire Randall
• Bob Hoskins as Harry Henshaw
• Alfre Woodard as Rachel Jacobs
• Paul Gleason as Brice Hallstrom
• Carol Kane as Carol Kane
• Robert Mitchum as Mr. Potter
• John Forsythe as The Ghost of Christmas Past
• David Johansen as The Ghost of Christmas Present
• Angela Lansbury as The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

Memorable Quote:

“The bitch hit me with a toaster.” – Frank Cross, speaking what we’re all thinking about Carol Kane’s violent Christmas spirit.

5 More Famous Quotes from “Scrooged”

• “I’m not a bad guy. I’m just misunderstood.” – Frank Cross
• “You’re a mean old Scrooge, Frank Cross.” – The Ghost of Christmas Past
• “You’re a selfish, greedy, miserable old man.” – The Ghost of Christmas Present
• “You’re dead, Frank Cross. You’re dead!” – The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
• “I’m a changed man, Bob. I’m a changed man!” – Frank Cross

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go yell at some kids to get off my lawn.

Cast

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown

Frank Cross is a mean and selfish television executive. He is so obsessed with getting ratings that he doesn’t care about anything else. On Christmas Eve, Cross is visited by three ghosts: the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. The ghosts show Cross the error of his ways and he is transformed into a kind and generous man.

5 Famous Quotes from “Scrooged”

• “I’m not a bad guy. I’m just misunderstood.” – Frank Cross
• “You’re a mean old Scrooge, Frank Cross.” – The Ghost of Christmas Past
• “You’re a selfish, greedy, miserable old man.” – The Ghost of Christmas Present
• “You’re dead, Frank Cross. You’re dead!” – The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
• “I’m a changed man, Bob. I’m a changed man!” – Frank Cross

5 Interesting Facts about “Scrooged”

• The film was originally going to be called “The Christmas Spirit.”
• Bill Murray was not the first choice to play Frank Cross. The role was originally offered to Michael Keaton.
• The film was a box office success, grossing over $60 million.
• “Scrooged” was nominated for two Academy Awards: Best Art Direction and Best Costume Design.
• The film has become a cult classic and is enjoyed by many people today, just not me.

Review Notes:

I would rather be watching “The Night the Reindeer Died”
Father Loves Beaver (OK not cool, funny, but not cool)
Boy Bobcats voice gives him away instantly although he looks quite nondescript.
I do kind of love diabolical Bill Murray, would be a better movie if he stayed that way.
Charles Dickens would want to see her nipples (So 1988)
This cab ride is going to give me a conniption fit.
Is it wrong that I really kind of want Bobcat to kill Bill Murray

Trailer:

This dark action-comedy takes Santa out of the North Pole and throws him into a world of government contracts, spoiled brats, and deadly assassins. It’s a wild ride that will leave you wondering if you should be laughing or cringing. One thing’s for sure, you’ll never look at Santa the same way again.

Review by Ben Dover: Goggins and Gibson Chew up the screen.
3 out of 5 Bad Santa’s

“Fatman” is a bizarre, offbeat film that somehow manages to be both entertaining and disturbing. This is a holiday flick for anyone who’s ever thought Santa could use a shot of whiskey and a night at the shooting range, namely Me. Mel Gibson, as always, delivers a solid performance, even if he does seem a bit too comfortable wielding a shotgun. The premise is ridiculous, but the film somehow pulls it off, thanks to some sharp writing and a talented cast.

The plot is as crazy as it sounds: a disillusioned Santa facing off against a hired assassin in a bloody showdown. And Gibson, with his gruff voice and “seen-it-all” demeanor, brings a weird sort of gravitas to the role of Santa. He’s not here to spread cheer; he’s here to get the job done and maybe punch a few bad guys along the way. It’s a bit of an odd choice for a Christmas movie lead, but let’s be honest—Mel Gibson playing a cranky, disillusioned Santa isn’t that much of a stretch.

Mel Gibson plays Chris Cringle, a bitter, downtrodden Santa who’s struggling to keep his North Pole business afloat. Turns out, kids aren’t exactly making the “nice” list these days, and with declining morale and profits, Santa has to take a government contract to stay in the black. Yeah, it’s that kind of movie—a Christmas story where Santa’s getting paid by Uncle Sam. And if that’s not wild enough, a spoiled rich kid hires a hitman to take Santa out after getting a lump of coal in his stocking. Who’s the hitman? None other than Walton Goggins, who seems to be having the time of his life playing a contract killer with a grudge against jolly old Saint Nick.

As for Walton Goggins, he’s the standout in this holiday spectacle. His character, Skinny Man, is a hitman with a personal vendetta against Santa, and he brings that special brand of Goggins’ manic energy to every scene. Watching him methodically hunt down Santa feels like a fever dream you’d have after watching Die Hard on repeat and eating too many candy canes.

Now, Fatman doesn’t exactly deliver the kind of warm and fuzzy Christmas vibes you’d get from It’s a Wonderful Life or Elf. It’s dark, violent, and more than a little twisted. But somehow, there’s a weird sort of Christmas spirit buried under all the blood and bullets. At its core, the movie’s really about finding hope in a world that’s lost its way—though admittedly, it finds that hope by way of high-caliber weaponry and a grumpy Santa who isn’t afraid to fight back.

The action sequences are surprisingly well-done, and the film has a dark sense of humor that will appeal to those who like their Christmas movies with a side of cynicism. However, the film’s biggest flaw is its uneven tone. It can’t quite decide whether it wants to be a full-blown action flick or a dark comedy, and it ends up feeling a bit disjointed.

It’s a twisted Christmas flick that combines action, dark humor, and a whole lot of “what the heck am I watching?” moments. Just don’t expect Santa to be spreading much goodwill—unless it’s with a side of buckshot.

Despite its flaws, “Fatman” is a unique and entertaining film that’s sure to become a cult classic. It’s not for everyone, but if you’re looking for something different this holiday season, give it a shot. Just don’t expect to see Santa and his reindeer flying through the sky anytime soon.

Starring

• Mel Gibson as Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
• Walton Goggins as Jonathan “Skinny Man” Miller
• Marianne Jean-Baptiste as Ruth Cringle

Special Effects

The special effects are minimal, but effective. The film relies more on practical effects and stunt work, which gives it a more grounded feel.

Music

The film’s score is a mix of traditional Christmas carols and more modern, action-oriented music. It’s an odd combination, but it somehow works.

Rating

3 out of 5 Bad Santa’s

Synopsis

A disillusioned and alcoholic Santa Claus (Mel Gibson) is forced to partner with the U.S. military to save his failing business. Meanwhile, a spoiled rich kid (Chance Hurstfield) hires a ruthless assassin (Walton Goggins) to kill Santa after receiving a lump of coal in his stocking. What follows is a violent and darkly comedic game of cat-and-mouse between Santa and the assassin.

Famous Quotes

1. “I’m not worried about getting on some naughty list. I’ve already been on every list there is.” – Jonathan “Skinny Man” Miller
2. “You think you’re the only one who knows how to deliver?” – Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
3. “I’m not what they say I am.” – Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
4. “It’s not about toys, it’s about work.” – Chris Cringle / Santa Claus
5. “He’s not what you think he is.” – Ruth Cringle

Notes

1. The film was shot in Canada.
2. The film’s original title was “Fatman.”
3. The film was released in theaters and on demand on November 13, 2020.
4. The film received mixed reviews from critics.
5. The film was a box office bomb, grossing only $4.3 million worldwide against a budget of $20 million.

Photos

Trailer

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ben, you old grump, it’s a kids’ movie, lighten up!” And you’re probably right. But even kids’ movies should have some semblance of logic and restraint, something this film throws out the window faster than you can say “Roast Beast.” Jim Carrey, bless his rubbery face, goes completely bonkers as the Grinch, turning in a performance that’s equal parts hilarious and exhausting. It’s like watching a hyperactive chimpanzee on a sugar rush try to perform Shakespeare. It’s colorful, it’s manic, and it leaves you with a headache and a vague sense of nausea. Entertaining, sure, but ultimately pointless.

Review by Ben Dover: “How the Grinch Stole Christmas and My Will to Live”
Rating: 2 out of 5 stars (for Carrey’s performance alone)

Let’s get this out of the way: Jim Carrey is the only reason to watch this movie. He’s like a cartoon character come to life, contorting his face and body into impossible shapes, delivering lines with a manic energy that would make Robin Williams look like a statue. He’s clearly having a blast, and his enthusiasm is infectious, even if his performance is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face.

The rest of the cast is…well, they’re there. Taylor Momsen, as Cindy Lou Who, is cute enough, I suppose, though her character’s wide-eyed innocence is enough to give you a toothache. The rest of the Whos are a bunch of garishly dressed, over-the-top caricatures who seem to exist solely to annoy the Grinch (and the audience). I swear, if I had to hear them sing “Where Are You Christmas?” one more time, I would have ripped my ears off.

The film’s biggest sin, however, is its complete disregard for the source material. Dr. Seuss’s original story was a charming tale about the true meaning of Christmas, told with simple rhymes and whimsical illustrations. This movie, on the other hand, is a loud, overblown spectacle that throws in everything but the kitchen sink. There’s slapstick humor, fart jokes, pop culture references, and even a bizarre subplot about the Grinch’s childhood trauma. It’s like they took a perfectly good children’s book and injected it with a gallon of Red Bull. It’s like they took that story, force-fed it steroids and crystal meth, then set it loose in a tinsel factory. The result is a Christmas fever dream that makes me wonder if someone spiked my eggnog. They have ass jokes constantly, a milf who wants to screw the Grinch, bullying, and all manners of BS spread throughout including shaming Cindy Lou which by itself is an unforgiveable sin.

The Whos down in Whoville are so creepy, I half expected them to start chanting and sacrificing small animals to their Christmas tree. Not only that Howard ruined the entire story by making them complete assholes. They are upset about the toys ,to them the whole Christmas story is about what they get and not the spirit, No one in this movie cares about the true meaning of Christmas. They are also the ones who bullied the Grinch in the first place, and they continue through most of the film.

And speaking of Whoville, it’s like Santa’s workshop had a baby with a acid trip. It’s so garish and over-the-top, I felt like I needed sunglasses just to look at the screen.

But you know what? Despite all this, despite the sensory overload and the ham-fisted attempts at heartwarming moments, I didn’t completely hate it. It’s like that ugly Christmas sweater your aunt knitted you – it’s garish, it’s uncomfortable, but damn it if it doesn’t have a certain charm. Carrey’s performance is undeniably entertaining, and there are a few genuinely funny gags scattered throughout. The special effects, while excessive, are also quite impressive, particularly the Grinch’s furry green makeup and the whimsical design of Whoville. And despite my complaints about the film’s over-the-top nature, I have to admit that it does end with everyone capturing the spirit of Christmas, albeit in a rather chaotic and noisy way.

In the end, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” is like a Christmas present wrapped in too much paper – there’s something good inside, but you’ve got to wade through layers of excess to get to it. It’s not the worst Christmas movie I’ve ever seen (looking at you, “Jingle All the Way”), but it’s far from the best.

So, if you’ve got a high tolerance for visual chaos and a soft spot for Jim Carrey’s rubber-faced antics, give it a whirl. Just don’t blame me if you end up with a migraine and a sudden urge to paint your house in nauseating shades of green and red. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go watch the original cartoon to cleanse my palate. Bah humbug, and get off my Whoville lawn!

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars (for Carrey’s performance alone)

Synopsis and Plot Breakdown:

The Grinch, a green, furry creature with a heart “two sizes too small,” lives in a cave on Mount Crumpit, overlooking the cheerful town of Whoville. He despises Christmas and everything about it, and he decides to steal all the Whos’ presents, food, and decorations to ruin their holiday. However, his plans are complicated when he encounters Cindy Lou Who, a young girl who believes in the true spirit of Christmas. Cindy Lou’s kindness and innocence slowly begin to melt the Grinch’s icy heart, and he eventually realizes the error of his ways, returning all the stolen goods and joining the Whos in their Christmas celebration.

Famous Quotes:

1. “Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
2. “Blast this Christmas music. It’s joyful and triumphant.”
3. “4:00, wallow in self-pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me – I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing…”
4. “Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely!”
5. “And they’ll feast, feast, feast, feast. They’ll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But that’s something I just cannot stand in the least. Oh, no. I’M SPEAKING IN RHYME!”

Interesting Notes:

1. Jim Carrey spent 92 days in full Grinch makeup during filming.
2. The Grinch’s dog, Max, was played by six different mixed-breed shelter dogs.
3. The Whoville set was one of the largest ever constructed for a film.
4. The film’s soundtrack features a mix of original songs and classic Christmas tunes.
5. The Grinch’s green fur was made from yak hair dyed green.

Photos:

Trailer: